“Stealing“ a name - cardinal sin? (From potential stealer)

[Changedname81]

Nine years ago my close friend was pregnant and discussing baby names with me - she wanted my opinion and the name she had I said “oh that’s been my favourite name since I was 11 and started getting into Greek mythology”. Of course she chose the name.

Nothing particularly special or unique to many - Phoebe . To me this name just sparkles and I LOVE it. Call me dramatic but it’s the name I’ve wanted for almost 30 years.

I was pregnant at the beginning of the year and she asked me about names. I said I was going to wait until baby was here (not strictly true). Long story short I sadly miscarried at 11 wks.

So whilst admittedly it’s not an issue at present I will hopefully in future be able to carry a healthy pregnancy (wish me luck lovely ladies) and if it’s a girl I’d love to use “my” name...

What tack do I take?

Sit down and have a chat about it and get her feelings?
When ( 🤞🏻) I get pregnant again and she asks about my names say “well as you know, Phoebe is my fave girls name...” and let that start a convo
Or just not announce and introduce? (My anxiety will probably not let me do this)

I realise this is all speculative, I might not get pregnant again/ it might be a boy.

One thing is for sure though, this is the name I love and to not use it on a girl would make me feel so sad.

(If you’re having a bad day and want to come on and be mean, is there any chance you could not cause I’m 4weeks out of a m/c and still feeling pretty fragile.)

Hope you’re all doing ok and keeping safe.

I'm sure it will be fine to use the name you love. Your children are very different ages and if they know each other might quite like being big and little Phoebe.

So sorry for your loss. '

How often do you see her? I mean...if it's a really good friend and you see her often, don't you feel rather as though the name isn't 'yours' anymore? But rather her DDs? Don't you equate it with her child?

I think most people would....

I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with it...using the name...I've never been someone bothered by that. A friend of a friend stole my newborn DD"s name for hers and openly admitted it and I genuinely didn't care a bit.

If she's a good friend but you don't see her much, use the name. If she's the sort to get annoyed...to the extent she might not be your mate any more...well, is that really someone you WANT to be friends with anyway?

Just in conversation I’d she ever asks ‘oh I like simple names like Jane, phoebe, Emily or William Edward and Percy’
Put it in a list and see if she an unreasonable reaction to it.
A friend of ours chose our ‘second choice’ name 5 months after ours was born, I wouldn’t care if they had the same name! They’ll meet another namesake at some point unless you old or unique!
Good luck for a healthy future pregnancy!

It wouldn’t bother me if my good friend did this, id appreciate them letting me know before the baby arrived rather than just getting a birth announcement text or whatever with the name on, but I wouldn’t be upset. No one owns a name and Phoebe isn’t unusual so plenty of people use it.

My Mum's best friend named her middle daughter the same name as mine (it's a top 20 name). I think there's c.8 years between us and I was overjoyed she was named after me

My Mum didn't mind at all, perhaps if we were the same age and likely to be at all the same schools etc it might have been an issue.

There will be plenty of Pheobes in the world, I don't think she would be being reasonable to forbid you to use it.

You're clearly a very anxious person to be giving this so much thought, and your miscarriage () has probably made your anxiety far worse, understandably. But if you are worried enough about how to raise this with your friend now, I think I'd advise you to choose a different name, as it's likely to send your anxiety sky-high however you handle using the name with your friend (who is, I imagine, highly unlikely to remember you saying that Phoebe was your favourite name since the age of 11).

Do you have a spouse or partner? Is he or she equally enthused about Phoebe?

a friend of mine named her DD the same name as mine, they are born just weeks apart. I take it as a compliment.
I'd just casually mention how much you still love the name. If she's a friend, she will not make an issue out of it.

I think if she asks tell her "well I have always loved Phoebe for a girl" and see what she says. If she gets all "my child is phoebe and it's her name and no one else should be called it" I'd calmly point out you told her when she was pregnant it was the name you loved.
A decent friend won't ruin a friendship cos you picked the same name as her

I don't think she'll mind luvvy, go for it!

So very very sorry for your loss, I've suffered 3 in 2 years and am now nearly 33 weeks, don't give up hope and give yourself lots of time to heal x

We 'stole' a fairly unusual name from friends of friends. We asked them what they would think about us using the name before we knew if we were having a boy or girl. They were really enthusiastic about it so I'm very glad we asked - it's meant that we have a bit of a bond with them instead of me feeling a bit guilty when I see them. I'd chat about it with your friend so that you don't need to feel awkward but I don't see a problem with using the name, especially since your friend's daughter is quite a bit older.

I wouldn't bother me but my children's names aren't that unusual. Though I did discount a name off my list because a close friend had used it, but it was one of several and it was an easy way to cut the list down.

If you are set on using the name don't present it as a question like you're asking her permission, but maybe give her a heads up on what you're planning once you know you have a girl. If she does mind then you'd have to choose between using the name you love and your friendship. Could you use it as a middle name if you can find another you love for first name.

I think it's fine. Might be different if you were due around the same time. Good luck on your future pregnancy

So sorry to hear about your loss. I would be honest with her and say it’s always been your favourite name and how strongly you feel about using it. She might not remember having that conversation 9 years ago - and she was the one who mentioned the name first, rather than you mentioning it and her then using it. It might seem odd if you just announce your baby Phoebe one day.

As you say, you might have a boy, so might not be an issue! Good luck

Could you use the tack of your know I've always loved the name, Phoebe, and watching your Phoebe, doubly so, as she's so lovely/kind/pretty etc and I'm going to name ours Phoebe ?

Sorry for your loss

I hope you have a healthy pregnancy in future, and if it's a girl, my personal preference would be not to say anything to her - if she asks about names just say you're keeping it secret until the birth. If you really don't want to do that, I think you should just tell her in a matter of fact way. "As you know, I've always loved the name Phoebe, and I haven't changed my mind, so that will be her name."
Don't ask her permission or opinion, don't imply that your Phoebe will be named after her Phoebe (she won't!)

And if you have a favourite boy's name don't tell anyone

I'd just be honest. If she asks what names you're thinking of just tell her. Go from there.

Be honest. Wouldn’t bother me especially as they are, what, 9 years apart?

You're overthinking this. Just use the name. She doesn't own it and your children won't even be close in age.

That’s not name theft - at worst it is naming your daughter after hers.

Name theft is you telling her what you are planning on calling your unborn child, and her giving birth two weeks earlier and using the same name with no previous mention of liking it. That's out of order, because it then makes the originator of the name look like the copycat.

Nobody is going to mind somebody’s baby having the same name as their tween.

I wouldn't discuss names with your friend at all. Just announce your daughter's name when she arrives.

Sorry for your recent loss.

Some v v close friends named their child the same as ours (born a year or so apart, god-parent level of closeness between families!) and when they told us we just though ‘fab name! 😁’ and now the kids are buddies and all is still well in the world. When the time comes, go with your favourite name. It’s lovely by the way.

Use the name you love for your baby. I would hope your friend wouldn’t be upset about it and I absolutely don’t think you need your friend’s permission to name your child. Also, I’m so sorry to hear of your miscarriage, I also had one last year and am still working my way through the grief. Sending you lots of love

Use the name - they will be 9 years apart so hardly likely it will confuse confusion but be prepared that your daughter will likely always be called little Phoebe when your two families are together. Or perhaps one of them may get Pheebs like in Friends.

I think it depends how close you are to her Phoebe. If it was my best friends kid, I love them so much and spend a lot of time with them and they are who I think of when I hear their names.. So it would be a no from me for that reason.

Any other friendships I'd say fine, especially as the kids aren't the same ages so probably won't be spending that much time together.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, hope you're holding up OK.

To add, I would definitely tell her before you use it rather than just announce it when she's born.