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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Surname?!!

47 replies

dollytutu · 13/09/2019 23:06

I know this will sound terrible before I post but I don't want my partners surname for our baby, one I don't like the surname and I also don't want our baby to be named after his family!
He openly admits his family are awful long story short they are not great people he left home at 16 to get away from them! My two other children (not his) have my surname which is also my ex husbands, they don't see their dad or have anything to do with him I just decided to keep the surname so I had same name as my kids nothing more than that!
When me and my partner have talked before pregnancy he said it's just a name and he doesn't mind me using my surname , however now I'm pregnant with his baby he's changed his mind (understandably) so he wants me to either double barrel or use his as a middle name! We are having a baby girl and I just like simple names my kids have their first name and them surname no middle names or long names, I want this for my baby too but I understand his upset, but I just don't get why he would want the family name who he doesn't particularly get on with, and to me it has negative implications in our village x

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Original poster

dollytutu · 13/09/2019 23:06

Ah sorry yes so any advice/opinions Bratley received 😭🥰👶🏼💗

OP posts:

hazel67 · 13/09/2019 23:10

To be fair I think he's being quite reasonable. I would give his surname as a middle name, it won't ever really get used anyway but it will mean he can feel like your baby has both your names.

bubblesandfun · 13/09/2019 23:13

Fair enough (he's a saint for letting baby have your exes name!) use his as middle name and then it'll never get used if you don't put it on any forms etc.

june2007 · 13/09/2019 23:14

I think a middle name or double barrelel is the way to go. Compromise.

Iliada · 13/09/2019 23:16

Glad to hear he’s not intending to make you or your baby use his surname if you don’t want to. He sounds nice!

I mean, having a middle name probably isn’t going to make a lot of difference as no-body uses them (unless kid is in big trouble!)

I guess, if you can, try to think of the name as this your partner’s name, not his family’s, just as he probably thinks of your name as yours and not your ex’s?

I’m sure you’ll both work something out.

thebakerwithboobs · 13/09/2019 23:20

You could see if your partner wants to take your surname? Perhaps he just wants his baby to have the same surname as him to connect him-I the only people he shares a name with are arseholes maybe he wants a connection to someone lovely, like his child. Long shot maybe but worth a go? Or a mash up of two surnames to make one?

Original poster

dollytutu · 13/09/2019 23:25

Yep agree to all of these! My only worry with the middle name is it's not really a "middle name" it's a definite surname and for a little girl to have a random middle name seems strange, and when we double barrel them they sound stupid 🤣 my surname is a very common simple ok (if a surname can be ok) lol and he knows it's literally because of my bond/link to my kids and knows it's nothing toward my ex who isn't in any of our lives anymore, I did say the possibility of using his first name as a double barrel surname but he wasn't keen he rather the surname, as to the key who suggested he take the same surname as me he did mention this pre-pregnancy and was ok with it however I think reality hit really now I'm pregnant and he's changed his mind x

OP posts:

MildThing · 13/09/2019 23:40

His surname is his own, distinct from his family, just as yours is yours now, not your exes.

So middle name of double barrel for his name would seem to be the way to go.

All this would be so much simpler if women just kept their names and gave their kids their names or hyphenated both parents.

LOL at all these comments about how as a middle name it will be reassuringly forgettable: usually it is the woman’s name that is the middle name, and is supposed to be a fair compromise for the child having the father’s surname. As if!

MrsBertBibby · 14/09/2019 00:50

he's a saint for letting baby have your exes name!

WTF!?

Cookit · 14/09/2019 06:44

Honestly I think it’s a fair enough request. His surname should be the middle and your kids should all have the same surname - yours.
It’s not that odd to have a surname as a middle. Your daughter never needs to mention it or use it, or she can, up to her. It also doesn’t take away from your surname being the surname as in all forms it won’t go in the surname bit.
Don’t make it into a big deal.

AverageMummy · 14/09/2019 06:49

I think he’s being extremely reasonable letting the baby have your surname and only having his as a middle name. I’m sorry to say this but I think you’re being very unreasonable - it’s his baby too.

Astronica · 14/09/2019 06:51

I do think that his surname as middle name or double-barrelled surname is the way to go. Even if it's not a girl name I don't see an issue with middle name. I know of a couple of families where all the chidren, boys and girls, have (in these cases mum's) surname as middle name. Just another thought, is using his first name or a female version of it, a possible middle instead? I know you said you want simple names and to be like the older children, but having a middle may be the compromise you need to make here.

IVflytrap · 14/09/2019 07:32

It's his own name, belonging to him and signifying him, not simply his family's name. I would put it as the middle name. Your child will still have a simple name. The majority of people in Britain have middle names, so she won't be any different to most people in having three names. 99% of the time, her middle name won't even be used.

(he's a saint for letting baby have your exes name!)

It's OP's surname now. She said that in her post. Men aren't saints just for "letting" their partners give their children their own name, it's the bare minimum of what women are usually expected to do without complaint.

crazymuseummumtobe · 14/09/2019 07:47

If your ex is no longer is your other children's lives, why don't you all change your surname to something you all like? Your maiden name? A double barreled of a name from your side and a name from his?

NoSauce · 14/09/2019 07:51

You should compromise somewhere. I think you’re being unfair actually expecting him to accept his baby will have your ex’s surname, absolutely madness. It doesn’t matter that you don’t like his family, it’s HIS name too and you love him, right?

MildThing · 14/09/2019 07:53

“I think he’s being extremely reasonable letting the baby have your surname and only having his as a middle name”
As are the millions of women who only pass on a middle name when their children are given the father’s name.

MildThing · 14/09/2019 07:57

“. I think you’re being unfair actually expecting him to accept his baby will have your ex’s surname, absolutely madness. It doesn’t matter that you don’t like his family, it’s HIS name too and you love him, right?”

The complete double standard.

So the name he has is HIS and it doesn’t matter where it came from or who it is associated with, while her name is her ex’s?

So men can independently own a name, women only borrow and are re-branded to match the next man?

Yeahnahyeah1 · 14/09/2019 07:58

I think he’s actually being very reasonable. The best option is to have his surname as a middle name, and your surname as the baby’s surname. People have all sorts of weird and wonderful middle names and more often than not, you don’t even know what other people’s are. You’re overthinking it.

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 14/09/2019 07:58

But it’s not just his family’s name. It’s HIS name. And understandably, he wants his child to have his surname. You have kept your ex husbands surname just to have the same name as your children!! So surely you can understand how he feels?! If you don’t double-barrel the name you would be very, very unreasonable. How could you even consider expecting him to give HIS child your ex husbands surname? That’s really awful and cruel. Your feelings on his family are irrelevant. I’m guessing you’re not crazy about your ex yet you still have his name!

Yeahnahyeah1 · 14/09/2019 07:59

@NoSauce it’s not her ex’s name, it’s hers. Ffs. Definitely agree with pp re ‘rebranding’

NoSauce · 14/09/2019 08:00

It’s not a double standard at all. The OPs name isn’t hers but her ex’s, if it wasn’t then I would have no problem with the baby being named after her.

NoSauce · 14/09/2019 08:02

And where do you think she got that name from? Unless her ex changed his name to hers then it’s NOT her name it’s her ex’s name.

Verily1 · 14/09/2019 08:03

In Scotland it’s the norm for girls to have surnames as the middle name.

Usually a grandmothers maiden name.

Chitarra · 14/09/2019 08:04

I think his name as a middle name is a good compromise. I understand it wouldn't be your first choice, but it does seem fairer.

MrsBertBibby · 14/09/2019 08:07

NoSauce, in the nicest possible way, you sound a bit nutty.

It is literally the OP's legal name.

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