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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Surname?!!

47 replies

dollytutu · 13/09/2019 23:06

I know this will sound terrible before I post but I don't want my partners surname for our baby, one I don't like the surname and I also don't want our baby to be named after his family!
He openly admits his family are awful long story short they are not great people he left home at 16 to get away from them! My two other children (not his) have my surname which is also my ex husbands, they don't see their dad or have anything to do with him I just decided to keep the surname so I had same name as my kids nothing more than that!
When me and my partner have talked before pregnancy he said it's just a name and he doesn't mind me using my surname , however now I'm pregnant with his baby he's changed his mind (understandably) so he wants me to either double barrel or use his as a middle name! We are having a baby girl and I just like simple names my kids have their first name and them surname no middle names or long names, I want this for my baby too but I understand his upset, but I just don't get why he would want the family name who he doesn't particularly get on with, and to me it has negative implications in our village x

OP posts:

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GaraMedouar · 14/09/2019 08:07

OP - YANBU - Your surname is your name now, you changed it legally, it's not your exes, it is yours and your children 's.

His suggestion is great - first name, his surname as middle name and then your surname. Job done. People don't walk around using middle names generally. My DD has 2 middle names and I bet practically no one knows, knows what they are or cares for that matter.

MarigoldGlove · 14/09/2019 08:07

@crazymuseummumtobe you can't just change the surnames of the other dc. You have to go to court and have permission from the dc's father and even then the judge might not allow the change.

I'm a big believer in babies having the same surname as their mother. It's a good compromise to have your dp's surname as a middle name. Even if it's obviously a surname. It's was done in the upper classes when two people from big name families marry so that both surnames are included.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 14/09/2019 08:10

@NoSauce by that ‘logic’, surely it could be argued no ones name is ever truly their own?
OPs surname has been her surname for a period of time, it’s her name, it’s her children’s name, and I can see why she would want all her children to have the same name as her, and the same as each other, which I think would be important for them to feel like a unit and limit the ‘them and us’ potential.

NoSauce · 14/09/2019 08:10

Of course it’s the OPs legal name. It doesn’t stop her current partner feeling upset that her name belongs to her ex though and why he wouldn’t be happy with his baby being named it.

Nothing nutty about that, but thanks for the compliment.

NoSauce · 14/09/2019 08:12

it’s her name, it’s her children’s name, and I can see why she would want all her children to have the same name as her, and the same as each other, which I think would be important for them to feel like a unit and limit the ‘them and us’ potential

What about the father of the baby? Should he change his name to that of his partners ex so he’s included too?

Windydaysuponus · 14/09/2019 08:12

My ds has his df's first name as his surname...
I didn't want to be the same as mil so mine is too!

Yeahnahyeah1 · 14/09/2019 08:17

@NoSauce I would suggest double barrelling but given the op’s feelings, and the fact her DP has suggested it himself, his surname as a middle name seems a good option too.
If he felt inclined to change his name to his partners name and that of his child and stepchildren, well, that would be fine also. But OP hasn’t mentioned marriage so I was assuming that wasn’t on the cards for now.

India999 · 14/09/2019 08:19

I'm in a very similar position and don't think you're unreasonable!

I am married and have kept my surname. Sexism etc is part of my decision but I wouldn't be averse to changing my surname if I was close with my husband's family, but we don't see them much and we/he isn't close with them at all. Plus his parents have different surnames, as do his siblings. So it's not really a 'family' name in my eyes! Whereas my entire family have the same surname and we are incredibly close.

We are having our first child soon. Why would we give that child his family name? Makes no sense! He agrees.

Cyberworrier · 14/09/2019 08:24

I have a surname as a middle name, keeping some family name alive or something... I have first name, normal middle name, surname as middle name, actual surname. Never minded! Much prefer it to actually being double barrelled, even though that’s probably what future babies will end up with.

MrsBertBibby · 14/09/2019 08:57

Should he change his name to that of his partners ex so he’s included too?

To his partner's name, you mean? Sure, why not? If he wants to, of course.

ERS25 · 14/09/2019 09:05

It's probably less to do with his family and more to do with the connection to him. It's still his last name, and I don't think it's unreasonable to ask to double barrell.

NoSauce · 14/09/2019 09:12

If he was ok about changing his name to his partners then he’d be ok with his baby taking her name, which apparently he isn’t.

BNV1 · 14/09/2019 09:19

In some cultures like India and some African cultures, a father's first name becomes the child's middle name or surname. Would you both be open to considering this instead?

MrsBertBibby · 14/09/2019 09:33

which apparently he isn’t.

Except that he is. He's asking for his surname to be a middle name, which seems fair enough unless it's a really awful name.

Pcosmama · 14/09/2019 09:36

If your ex is no longer is your other children's lives, why don't you all change your surname to something you all like?

Because even if he has no parental responsibility, if he is named in the birth certificate he would need to give permission. I had to wait until I was 16 to legally change my surname even though I hadn't seen my abusive father since I was around 5.

Original poster

dollytutu · 14/09/2019 10:35

Wow! This really has caused some debate haha! So he's my ex is on both my children's birth certificates however has no parental rights to the children (through court and his choice ) so I wouldn't legally need to get his permission, however my children are 16 and 11 and I would never ask them to change their names, because however called me disgusting and unreasonable ok thanks for the opinion! However I am reasonable as I understand his need for our baby to have his name! However was looking for ways around how to do it as I don't like the names together, my name is thomas so like a said very common simple name .

OP posts:

NoSauce · 14/09/2019 11:16

Double barrel his and your surname.

Enko · 14/09/2019 11:16

OP my children have a surname as their middle name it causes no worries so don't worry about that part likely your Dd will be something like Olivia R Thomas not actually use the name as such.

ColdCottage · 14/09/2019 13:17

Could you all change your name to a new one perhaps?

ColdCottage · 14/09/2019 13:18

Used as a middle name is fine. I know a few families where a very clearly surname name is used for all children as a middle name.

MildThing · 14/09/2019 15:04

“But it’s not just his family’s name. It’s HIS name. “
Followed by
“How could you even consider expecting him to give HIS child your ex husbands surname?”

Er because it is HER name!

So many posters in this thread buy into the idea that for a man, a name is status: as head of the tribe he named his wife and his children after him, named them with his name, and it would be an insult for his child to bear the name of another man.

But this runs on the idea that a woman’s name is never her own. She temporarily has her father ‘s name (and her mother’s, but her mother has been renamed) while he is head of his tribe . Then she is re-named with her husband’s name. If she divorced her husband it is no longer seen as her name, but his.

Patriarchy.

OP: give the baby your surname but include the father’s name as you and he think best.

My Dc have hyphenated surnames. It sounded so much better Hisname-Myname so that’s the order. Total of 5 syllables. A third of their primary school class had hyphenated surnames,

Original poster

dollytutu · 14/09/2019 15:13

The funny thing is his surname is actually his mums surname she never gave them their dads!! And I actually love his dads surname and he is much more involved in our family! While the others sit taking crack in the house all day! But he doesn't want his dads name which I find strange!
Don't get me wrong we don't argue over it, we just talked and listened to each other's feelings!
I'm thinking it's going to have to be first name hissurname-mysirname Thts best way I see

OP posts:

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