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Original poster

Double barreling surname?

29 replies

PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 15/08/2019 22:06

Me and DP arent married, its something I want eventually now! but hes very settled and he said he will get married one day but is fine as we are, which is absolutely fair enough, no rush! But I cant shake the feeling that he just isn't marriage type. Hes happy as we are and says that often, he used to say marriage was just a peocee of paper and didnt really see the point. So I think he only says he will one day because he knows it's something I want.

But im 18 weeks pregnant now and im thinking if we never get married I would ideally like some form of name connection to our child..

I grew up with divorced parents and I always felt a little dampened by the fact I didnt share a name with my mum also.

So I'm thinking of talking about double barreling her name, is this reasonable?
Can it be changed to just my name when/if we eventually do get married? Is it easy enough?

I just dont know what to do but it makes me feel abit sad and if I'm honest a little but sick ag the thought of never having the same name as my baby :(

Am I just being silly?

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IsobelRae23 · 15/08/2019 22:28

Ds1 has dads name, and ds2, (different dad), has mine and dp’s name. I done it more because he didn’t like just his surname, and my surname is his grandmothers family name, so there was a link there. But oddly my surname, is the surname of my mums first husband, my brothers dad. She wanted me and dbro to have the same name. So I’ve always hated it with a passion! Because I don’t belong to that family. It also caused a lot of problems with my dads side of the family over it- understandably as far as I’m concerned.
So I say do it. I can’t see any negatives about it. If you get married to could both change your name to the same as your son? Just an idea.

Cabezona · 15/08/2019 22:43

It's only my opinion but a man that hasn't given me his name doesn't get a child named after him. I'm double barrelled and so is DD. My parents were never married and we will never be but I want my name in there too. Generally one is picked for every day usage. We don't have the hyphen. Just two names after each other as surnames.

Cabezona · 15/08/2019 22:44

The old fashioned way from when people kept names because they meant something...

I also felt a little sick at not sharing a name with DC so I think that's perfectly understandable x

BlueBilledBeatboxingBird · 15/08/2019 22:46

In your position I would seriously consider giving baby your name.

KatherineJaneway · 15/08/2019 22:48

Won't make a bit of difference if you split up unmarried.

clapperboard · 15/08/2019 22:49

I feel really strongly that children shouldn't automatically bear the name of the father and the parents should discuss and agree on what surname the dc have. Ditto when marrying the couple should discuss and (hopefully) agree on whether one or both parties want to change surnames. It seems very outdated that the assumption is the child gets the paternal name or the wife automatically takes the husband's surname.

DH and I could never agree, I didn't change my name on marriage (I preferred how my maiden name sounds to his) so our DC are double barrelled, no hypen as a compromise.

EgremontRusset · 15/08/2019 22:53

DS has both our surnames. It’s a good solution. For example it means we can both travel solo with him if needed - I’ve heard of people not being allowed to travel with their child without the other parent’s say-so, if they don’t share a name.

Original poster
PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 15/08/2019 22:53

I was fully prepared to be told to shut up and stop whining. But it seems this is a common worry.

I'll speak to DP but part of me feels abit mean. Almost like no matter how I word it, hes going to feel pressure, or like I'm giving him a subtle ultimatum.

OP posts:
Solonelywastheballard · 15/08/2019 22:53

I'm doubled barreled and so are the kids and I regret it.

It's too long. Often both names don't fit on a form so I only use one. Then i don't know what name I have used. It takes ages to fill names in on forms. People don't understand and think the first surname is my DS middle or first name. It's just a complication that I wish I hadn't bothered with.

If I could go back, I would give DS my surname as his middle name and I would have just taken dh name.

MidnightMystery · 15/08/2019 23:00

I have a double barrelled surname and I love it.

My daughter has one half of my surname and my boys have their dads name. I'm not married.

It's completely up to you, the way I see it is that my kids are mine I carried them so there's no reason why they can't have their dads name alone or yours.

If you ever got married you can all change your names x

SockMachine · 15/08/2019 23:03

You don’t have to take your husband’s name even if you are married.

Our Dc have both names, hyphenated. It works well.

Give the baby your surname or double barrel. If you give god baby your name and he wants to share a name with the baby he can change his surname to yours.

It’s the C21st!

But to be honest, the changing of name (or not) is potentially the least of your worries.

Will you continue working or will you give up work / go part time? Because if so you do need the protection of marriage . You will giving up your financial independence, compromising your future earning power and your pension with no security or rights at all!

Is the house in both your names?

BlueBilledBeatboxingBird · 15/08/2019 23:06

Maybe he should feel some pressure. Marriage is obviously very important to you and with a baby on the way it is time to stop fobbing you off.

Snoopy90 · 15/08/2019 23:16

I have double barrelled my kids surnames. We're not married and it didn't feel fair that they didn't get my name. I'm not sure if I did the right thing. It feels fair but people seem to find it confusing. Some people think first surname is middle name. I think this is mostly because the names aren't hyphenated. I also don't think the two names go particularly well with each other. At the moment (children are still very young), I'm writing both surnames on things like registering at docs but just using my surname day to day.

I was told when registering my daughter that when you marry, you need to re register any children in the marriage and you can then change their surname. Or you can change surname via deed poll at any time. I'm not sure what the difference between these two methods.

I would say if the names sound good together then definitely go double barrelled.

diddlediddle · 16/08/2019 07:28

Of course your child should have your name (both yours and your partners) if you want it to.

Your oh has no claim over the baby only having his name so you shouldn't need to be worried about broaching it with him.

It's perfectly reasonable and sensible.

SnuggyBuggy · 16/08/2019 07:32

I'll get flamed for this but some double barreled names are too long and sound bloody awful together

BertrandRussell · 16/08/2019 07:35

Either give the baby your name or hyphenate.

99bb · 16/08/2019 07:37

If we weren’t married, baby would have my surname, end of discussion. I don’t think you’re remotely unreasonable on the double barrel.

BertrandRussell · 16/08/2019 07:37

“I'll speak to DP but part of me feels abit mean. Almost like no matter how I word it, hes going to feel pressure, or like I'm giving him a subtle ultimatum.“

Why? “What last name shall we give little Murgatroyd? Just mine, or shall we hyphenate?”

BertrandRussell · 16/08/2019 07:39

Oh, and you also need to have a conversation about money- what’s going to happen during any period you aren’t earning. And you need to make wills and make sure that you and your baby are secure should you split up or if he dies.

Cookit · 16/08/2019 08:12

You should use your name or hyphenate definitely.

I don’t think it’s at all a strange request and it would say A LOT about him if he were to think it unreasonable.

burritofan · 16/08/2019 08:21

My parents are married, both kept their own names, we children are double-barrelled, no hyphen. Im unmarried and our daughter has a brand-new surname rather than mine or DP's or a double/triple barrel, to put a stop to the name lineage thing.

It does sound as though your DP calls all the shots in your relationship. Marriage is just a piece of paper but it's an important piece of paper that protects you financially should you give up work to be a SAHP, or take a career/pension hit on returning to work, for instance. (I haven't married DP because I'm the one with all the money 😜 also I can't be bothered.)

Traditionally babies take the mother's surname; it just so happens that often the mother has already taken her husband's name. Double-barrel your baby!

NameChange30 · 16/08/2019 08:23

You are not being silly or unreasonable.
Of course a mother should share a surname with her child.
You should give your child your surname by itself or both surnames.
And if you do eventually get married (sounds unlikely) you don't have to change your name! Or your child's name! You would have to re register the birth though.

whattodowith · 16/08/2019 10:08

It’s perfectly sensible to give your child both surnames, all of my DC have both surnames and I am very pleased. I kept my own surname when we married anyway.

SconeofDestiny · 16/08/2019 13:58

My step DC's have double barrelled names and they're just too long for everyday purposes so they chose to use their mum's shorter name.
I gave my DS his dad's surname simply because I preferred it to my surname. We got married when DS was 3.
I have never much liked my surname so I even considered making up an entirely new surname if I had kids but as it turned out, I genuinely like DH's name.

Kanga83 · 16/08/2019 14:02

Go with a double barrel and then if you do get married you can double barrel to, as can he if he chooses.