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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

When DH vetoes your favorite name

34 replies

Lampy123 · 28/02/2019 15:47

What do you do when your DH strongly dislikes your favorite name? A name you always wanted to name your girl. But due to people in his past or family members he had a bad association with, he doesn't want the name, in fact is using his one "veto" for it. If I strongly urge him then he will say okay, but then there's always knowing he doesn't like the name.

What are your thoughts? What would you do? Will he possibly get over the bad association once he has bonded with the baby?

The name is Catherine (or any variation of it like Kate, Katherine, etc.)

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Teatreealoe · 28/02/2019 15:48

I would choose a different one or have it as a middle name. But it's up to you. It was important to me that we both liked the name we went with.

Bobbiepin · 28/02/2019 15:49

You both have to agree on the name. Find a new one. You might get a compromise of a middle name.

Out of curiosity, why does he only get one veto? We discounted hundreds of names for DD.

Original poster

Lampy123 · 28/02/2019 15:54

The "one" veto is not really one, we can veto as many names as needed actually. But we both get one veto for the name the other absolutely adores, no questions asked, no discussion. Since this veto, he has vetoed other names I like too (and I've vetoed some of his too)

OP posts:

Gazelda · 28/02/2019 15:54

Choose a different name that you both like. To pressure him would be very, very unreasonable.

RiverTam · 28/02/2019 15:55

You choose a different name

Imagine if he chose a boy's name (for example) that was the name of your abuser. Would you be all right with that?

Quintella · 28/02/2019 15:58

You have to let it go I'm afraid. Especially since in his case the name has a bad association with someone from his past, rather than it just being a case of 'nah, don't like the sound of that name'. There are certain names that I just could not be persuaded to use and no amount of cajoling would change my mind.

Bobbiepin · 28/02/2019 16:01

That's more reasonable.

I wouldn't want my DH thinking of someone else when looking at DD, especially someone who has caused him pain.

Original poster

Lampy123 · 28/02/2019 16:01

RiverTam - whoa, that's not the case and if it was obviously this wouldn't be a question. It's more innocuous than that, he just doesn't like his family members with that name or somw annoying girls he knew in high school.

OP posts:

RiverTam · 28/02/2019 16:05

ah OK - sorry, drew the wrong conclusion from 'bad association'. Still, it's clearly a longstanding negative association.

You have to have a name you both like.

strawberrypenguin · 28/02/2019 16:07

What do you do - you choose a different name.

icannotremember · 28/02/2019 16:08

We didn't use any names that we weren't in agreement with. For me that meant names I loved (Thomas, Keir) became no-no's, as DH disliked them. Similarly, some names he suggested, I disliked, so we didn't use those either.

We have three sons and we managed to find six boy's names that we both like, and which work in both our cultures and first languages. Funnily enough although we never had a daughter, we were always in complete agreement as to what we would have called one.

Original poster

Lampy123 · 28/02/2019 16:11

Bobbiepin - exactly my thoughts. But I feel like there are no names left! He has vetoed my top names: Catherine, Isabella, Rebecca and Elizabeth and I vetoed a bunch too. Now I'm making up names basically!

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BlueMerchant · 28/02/2019 16:14

I used the name I wanted for Dd as a middle name as OH didn't like it. He wasn't too keen on her first name either but likes it now. This wasn't due to him associating the name with someone he doesn't like though. Imagine it's quite different. I'd still push for having it as a middle in some form.
OH chose ds name. I'm still not keen 9 years on...

dreichuplands · 28/02/2019 16:15

You have to work together to come up with a name you are both happy with, you will think of one at some point.

Quintella · 28/02/2019 16:16

There are squillions of names left.

Download the lists of all names used in England and Wales in 2017 and work your way through it. You'll find some common ground!

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/livebirths/datasets/babynamesenglandandwalesbabynamesstatisticsgirls

Original poster

Lampy123 · 28/02/2019 16:19

Quintella - hahaha I know but it just seems like it! Never thought it'd be so hard finding a name we both love.

OP posts:

emilybrontescorsett · 28/02/2019 16:24

I think you have to choose a name you both like, rather than a name one of you adores but the other dislikes.
Could you use Catherine as a middle name?
It's one of my all time favourite names btw.

greendale17 · 28/02/2019 16:27

Choose a different name that you both like. To pressure him would be very, very unreasonable.

^This. Also I wouldn’t name my child a name someone in our family already has.

Bobbiepin · 28/02/2019 17:49

Our DD is the only name in a baby book that my DH didn't have some snarky retort to (that's a strippers name etc). Literally the only name.

CarlGrimesMissingEye · 28/02/2019 18:22

We went practical. We each went through a name book and drew up a long list of names we either loved or liked. The. We shortened our personal lists down to about 15. Then we compared lists and any that overlapped were contenders. We had a couple on there.

Boulezvous · 28/02/2019 18:28

Choose another one maybe use your fave as a middle name. We did this with my DD. My H had a very silly reason not to like the name I always thought I'd give my daughter.

And on the other hand my H wanted the name Sophie but I couldn't face it because there was a girl at nursery with that name who always was wetting herself!

So silly reasons or associations are normal. They just get in the way. We ended up picking a really pretty name that out now talented DD totally owns.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/02/2019 19:04

I had this with ds3. We had used three of my favourite boys names between ds1 and ss2’s first and second names, and we struggled to think of boys names when I was pregnant with ds3.

I liked Dominic but dh vetoed that - he just didn’t like it. So I accepted his decision, and in the end he came up with a first and second name combination that used a name I liked as the second name, and one I hadn’t even thought of as the first name.

When he suggested these names, it all fell into place for me - they were exactly right - so right I’d have been a wee bit disappointed if ds3 had been a girl (I didn’t know what I was having).

Long story short - if your dh really dislikes the name, I think you have to accept that - and you will know when you hit on the right one.

Original poster

Lampy123 · 28/02/2019 21:33

Thank you all for sharing your story about how you had to pick a name other than your all time favorite. It's helpful.

Bobbiepin- my DH has done the exact same thing. I was shocked he could come up with such silly ways to twist a name. Ugh. We are down to 2 names we both like, TWO out of hundreds! Lol and I don't LOVE either name, but they are okay - aren't we supposed to LOVE the name we give our kids??

OP posts:

SallyWD · 01/03/2019 10:49

You can't choose a name he doesn't like. Imagine if he insisted on a name you didn't like. I had to choose international names for my kids as my husband is from an Asian country. Their names are not even in my top 20 list of names!! Maybe not even my top 50 but they're nice enough names and I do like them.

llangennith · 01/03/2019 11:22

I loved a certain girl's' name and was determined from when I was very young that if I had a daughter she'd be called that name. Fortunately DH liked it too but if he hadn't I'd have insisted.
Your DH's reasons for not wanting to use your choice of name are spurious. Once you've called DD the name, he will no longer associate that name with another person but with his own child.

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