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Original poster

awkward

67 replies

rach2019 · 12/01/2019 10:08

So I'm 12 weeks and recently at a family party my SIL came up to me and told me I can't use the name "violet" if its a girl, however it was the name me and partner had already chosen if its a girl.
Obviously I dont want to upset her by using it but I had my heart set on that name.
I know this is only applicable if it is a girl, but they are not even going to try for a baby for another 2 years and she might have changed her mind by then?
How can I go around this?

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NatashaRomanov · 12/01/2019 21:32

She is being ridiculous. No one can lay claim to a name like that.
Ignore her. If you and your DP love the name, use it.

Smile19 · 12/01/2019 21:34

Oh dear. Good luck OP. If you like it. Use it. Like I said you may change your mind later, or have a boy...or as other posters have said she may have boys or change her mind. TBH if she loves it so much she can technically also use it and you can both have a different NN (i.e. Lettie) so it's not the end of the world.

Take care and don't let this cloud your pregancy experience :)

doodleBugdoodle · 12/01/2019 21:35

What a carry on. Crying over a name for a hypothetical baby. Congratulations op and Violet is a lovely name.

ReaganSomerset · 12/01/2019 21:39

Are you going to find out its sex at ultrasound or are you waiting?

Lemoneeza · 12/01/2019 21:40

Hoping you have a girl so you can use it! Tell her to start a thread on here if she feels upset about it Smile

lunar1 · 12/01/2019 21:41

She sounds delightful!

elasticfantastic · 12/01/2019 21:45

I understand both sides. I can't have children but since forever I have had the name of my daughter picked out. All of my close friends and family know that's the name I've always dreamed of calling my daughter. When my SIL was pregnant it came up in conversation that she was considering using the name. I didn't say anything at the time and put on a 'brave face' , but when I got home I sobbed! I know it sounds ridiculous, but it felt like they were stealing the child I wanted!!

However, you told her straight away that it was also your chosen name, you showed her proof of this, I understand why she's upset but she should understand that you too already have an emotional attachment to the name and needs to suck it up if you use it.

Lots of people will tell you that no one owns a name blah blah but it's normal that people form emotional attachments to names... the fact that you still want to use it proves that. Go with your gut instinct.

frazzledasarock · 12/01/2019 21:52

Just because you’re using it doesn’t mean she can’t when/if she has a daughter.

There’s so many scenarios here, she might not have a girl, she might change her mind if she does have a dd, she might not have dc with your brother and it won’t matter, she might not have dc at all. Does your brother like the name and want to name his as yet not conceived hypothetical dd this name?

mummabubs · 12/01/2019 22:17

Use Violet if that's what you want OP. (I love the name and it was high up on our list if DS had been a girl!)

My sister and I both loved the name Rowan and had always said we'd like to call our DS' that- we had a shortlist of 3 names when DS was born and just decided to go with another name. My sister then had a boy and called him Rowan a year later. Even if we'd ended up with 2 Rowans we'd both have respected each other's right to use the name.

I'd go ahead and use Violet, then if your SiL ever ends up having a baby and if they're a girl then she can make the choice as to whether to name them Violet too.... there's no law against it!!!

(And congratulations on your pregnancy) 😊

BackforGood · 12/01/2019 22:30

What frazzled said.

She is clearly being ridiculous. Don't start giving in to emotional blackmail now, or it will just continue for the next 50 years (if they stay together).
All that said, wait and see - no need to use the name just because you want to prove a point, if other names come up over the next 6 months that you might prefer, or if, once the little one is here (if it even is a girl) you might change your mind at the time. If you still want to though, just use it - it is her issue to deal with, not yours.

DinoMamasaurus · 12/01/2019 22:34

Oh dear. As previous posters have said there is definitely no reserving names for hypothetical babies. Just not reasonable.

If you have a girl you should give her the name you love and you choose for her and not second guess yourselves at all.

It seems to me like this is probably about more than just the name for her. But knowingly or unknowingly she’s got hung up on it and making things about her for whatever reason. Maybe she’s feeling insecure about where she’s at/waiting to TTC/a bit jealous of you. Whatever it is she’s needs to accept that when her time to name a baby comes she can choose whatever she likes (including gasp a name someone else has already used). But for now it’s your choice and you can’t not use the name you love because someone else may or may not use it in the future.

Bagadverts · 12/01/2019 22:40

It is her issue to deal with. You may want to talk to your brother about whether there is a particular reason. Still definitely use the name if you want to but you may want to tread more lightly/understand the reaction, eg it was name of close relative of sil who has died.)

Astronica · 13/01/2019 03:56

I'm sorry she's upset, but she is also being unfair. First come, first choice on names. I'm glad your OH stood his ground.

jessstan2 · 13/01/2019 07:15

Why on earth does she not want you to call your child, "Violet" ? I cannot imagine in a million years telling someone what name they cannot call their baby, or taking any notice if someone else tried to dictate same to me. It's quite bizarre.

What does she have against the name?

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 13/01/2019 07:27

How would you feel if in a few years they have a dd and call her Violet? As long as you are fine with that then just point out that you can both have dd called Violet. They will be in different year groups, presumably with different surnames. Do you have many shared friends? I might give my dd a middle name that goes well with Violet so for family occasions they can go by first name middle name if indeed she ever has a dd with your dh. Saves being big Violet/ little Violet.

BinkyandBunty · 13/01/2019 07:34

My aunt did this to my mum. They were both pregnant but I was due first.

Mum chose a different name, and my aunt went on to have a boy! Neither had more children so the name was never used.

I'm in my 40s and mum's still peeved about it.

E20mom · 13/01/2019 07:40

Good for your OH. You've gotta nip this kind of nonsense in the bud.

Zoflorabore · 13/01/2019 07:42

I've said this before on here that my mum has 2 sisters and both of them have a ds with the same name.

What is odd though is sister 1 had her ds first and used the name.
Sister 2 had a ds around 10 years later and used another boys name and gave her second ds ( born around 3/4 years later ) the name of her nephew.
It's bloody weird and the name is awful anyway Barry

waywardfruit · 13/01/2019 07:47

This is what happens when people tell family and friends their list of name choices before the baby is born.

Everyone has an opinion.

If you have a girl and decide to use that name, then do it and if SIL complains then just say that what with baby brain and all that, you forgot she said anything.

HJWT · 13/01/2019 08:07

@rach2019 oh gosh she sounds a bit childish to be thinking about having children.

My nephews GF had a girl name picked out for her son when pregnant that I loved for a girl. I didn't tell her not to use it if she was to have a girl!! Now DD has that name and she named her DD something different in the end anyway! (Not that we speak anymore but different story lol)

abcriskringle · 13/01/2019 08:23

She can't own a name. Is she even pregnant?! I have a friend who was told in no uncertain terms that she wasn't allowed to use two names (a boy and a girl one) as her sister had loved them since being a child blah blah. So she didn't use them, even though the boy's name was her favourite and she had a boy. A year or so later, sister falls pregnant, finds out it's a boy...and chooses something totally different because she's 'gone off' the first name! Friend was livid. I vowed at that point not to let anyone dictate name choices to me!

planespotting · 13/01/2019 08:54

Utterly ridiculous
She is not pregnant and not even ttc
I have the same name as my cousin and I love it anyway
Having children is a huge thing, it seems so childish to me when people obsess about a name
Ignore her she sounds spoilt and childish

StylishDuck · 13/01/2019 09:19

FGS why do some people think they can reserve a name for future use? My DB and SIL had a boy one week before my DD was born. When they told us they had two names they were choosing between I realised one of them was the only boys name DH and I had agreed on. I bit my tongue though, because it wasn't my name to bag. Luckily they chose the other name in the end and we had a girl. But then I had DS 3 years later and used the name. Not a single eyebrow was raised. Use the name if you want to. SIL will get over it. She's not even pregnant FFS.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2019 15:40

I have a VERY strong feeling you will have nothing but trouble with your SIL, regardless of the name situation. She's proper hard work.

Cazastrophe · 13/01/2019 15:41

She probably saw it on your list and then decided she wanted the name as she sounds a bit weird!
Use the name!

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