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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Isabella renamed Isabel by older aunt

69 replies

mummananna · 06/04/2018 00:41

My granddaughter who I have under Special Guardianship, so is in effect my daughter, is called Isabella. Although popular it is a pretty name but we tend to call her Bella although we know she wants to be called Izzy (which we had tried to avoid!) The thing is an older relative (great aunt on my partner's side) keeps calling her Isabel and today on a family visit presented her with a table mat with Isabel on it which she bought from the gift shop at a farm we visited today. I am feeling very sensitive about this as my gd is sensitive but has learned to be polite and not say anything. Now she has a table mat (which she doesn't have to use and probably won't) with the wrong name on it! She had to pretend to be pleased with the present and not therefore be honest. Throughout the evening I referred to my gd as Bella and then tried saying pointedly Isabella. I don't know if she got the message but am hoping she did! As no child likes to be called the wrong name! Do you think I am being too sensitive?

OP posts:

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SleepingStandingUp · 06/04/2018 10:33

I've just never known any child have to give a notice period for a NICKNAME, let alone a 3 year one.

She WANTS to be called Izzy, you know this but you're letting her do this whole weird thing or waiting til secondary school before she can be called something she wants. It wouldn't take a lot of effort to call her Izzy and Bella and Isabella. Lots of people have more than 1 nickname. And at 8 if she goes in to school and tells her mates she wants to be called Unicorn Poop they'll go ok!
She's subjugating her needs for yours because Granny has more say and more importance than her

Floralnomad · 06/04/2018 10:37

The way I see it moving forward you and family should call her Isabella and she can tell her friends / teacher to call her Izzy or whatever she wants . Stop using Bella altogether as she obviously doesn’t like it . Tell your SIL that her name is Isobella not Isobel and in future tell your granddaughter that she is allowed to correct people / family not just smile politely .

SherbertLemon2011 · 06/04/2018 10:37

If you know the farm shop can you take the placemat back and ask to exchange it? Your dd could also write a Thank you letter signed with the name she chooses

colditz · 06/04/2018 10:39

You're already calling her the wrong name. She wants to be Izzy and you're insisting on Bella.

Ted27 · 06/04/2018 10:41

I'm an adoptive mum. My son is dual heritage and has a very distinctive African first name. We also kept his birth surname as a middle name.

His name has become a huge issue for him. For many months he wanted to be called Geoff, just a random name he came up with. We have arrived at a compromise that he is just about ok with, because I don't want him to make a permanent legal decision whilst he is angry with his birth family.

A lot of his issues are about choice, he didnt choose his early childhood, to be fostered, to be adopted, to have a different name. It was all done to him.

Your daughter has obviously had a less than ideal start to life. She may be happy with you now, but I assume she has been through a lot.

You are talking about a nickname, not her full name. Personally I wouldnt make her wait until secondary school. Its a long time. I'd give her back a little bit of control in her life.

colditz · 06/04/2018 10:41

PS you can't expect her to stand up to her aunt about her name not being Isabel, You've already taught her she's not allowed to stand up to adults about what her name is, and that her name is decided by other people, not her.

TittyGolightly · 06/04/2018 10:41

Get a sharpie and add “la” to the placemat.

And let the child be called what she wants to!

SleepingStandingUp · 06/04/2018 10:42

I am fine with the change

If you were then when she said "Granny I prefer to be called Izzy but I'll wait till I move schools, probably with many of mummy current friends, before anyone actually uses it" you'd have said "don't be silly, if you want to be called Izzy that's fine, that's what we'll use although Granny might forget someone's" and that's what you'd do. Sometimes you'd use Isabella, sometimes Bella and sometimes Izzy until Bella stopped being habit. And then other people would pick up on it and she'd feel able to tell get friends she likes to be called Izzy now.
It's a nickname change not gender reassignment, it shouldn't be this big a deal!

As for Great Aunt, just keep correcting her. Event single time and give your granddaughter permission to politely do the same

lou1221 · 06/04/2018 10:45

I'm sorry, but what is the big deal? If she wants to be called Izzy, just let her, you don't need to do anything official, and wait until she goes to secondary. Please allow her to have the right to be named how she wants to. If you really insist on calling her Bella, then maybe just leave it that you call her that and everyone else calls her what she wants.

Slowtrain2dawn · 06/04/2018 10:48

My daughter chose a shortened version of her name that I don’t particularly like but it’s her name and her choice so I had to adapt. It is hard though! Maybe try to embrace the new nickname now, it will be harder the longer you leave it. The aunt/ placemat thing is a non issue really, what will be more important to your daughter is how you respond to her wishes as her mother. Lots of relatives got my name wrong when I was young, it was tiresome but when I made it clear which version of my name I preferred my parents always stuck to that.

Redlocks28 · 06/04/2018 10:49

Is this about what you want or what she wants?

You want her to be called Bella.
Your aunt wants her to be called Isabel.

But, she wants to be called Izzy!

we know she wants to be called Izzy (which we had tried to avoid!)

This makes for rather unpleasant reading to be honest. She wants to be called Izzy-why don’t you bloody just call her it instead of making her feel so horrid about it, she agrees to wait 3 (!!) years-presumably to keep you happy!

Poor kid.

Becles · 06/04/2018 11:02

Tbh it's likely that the only option in the shop was the spelling chosen.

BrownTurkey · 06/04/2018 11:07

But isn't this what great aunts and uncles are for? To only vaguely know your name and frequently buy odd presents? Surely you just have a laugh about it. Over reaction.

NerrSnerr · 06/04/2018 11:16

You need to stop calling her Bella and tell her that she can call herself Izzy. What is wrong with Izzy?

Original poster

mummananna · 06/04/2018 12:20

Ah thank you for that. You do understand our situation then which is similar to that of an adoptive family also with mixed race (my gd's mum is Thai, so she is half Thai). You sound very understanding and a wonderful mum. Thank you for that. It was her idea to wait. But I will make the transition to encourage her granddad as he finds it hard to change. Meanwhile, I am calling her by her full name so as to lose the "Bella"! Thank you very much, that was very helpful :-)

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Original poster

mummananna · 06/04/2018 12:22

Hi, no I was not with my sister in law when she did her shopping as she was mainly buying presents for her grandchildren. My gd is ok with the mat now. Thank you for your comment.

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Littlechocola · 06/04/2018 12:30

You sound so lovely op!
How about having the same conversation with the aunt about nn?

Original poster

mummananna · 06/04/2018 12:44

Thank you. That is helpful, but it does change as they get older.

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Original poster

mummananna · 06/04/2018 12:47

No, she is not a poor kid. I think maybe my original post was written too late at night and was unclear to many. I am new to Mumsnet. Thankfully some positive and helpful responses. And yes, I overreacted.

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Original poster

mummananna · 06/04/2018 12:49

Thank you, Littlechocola, much appreciated! I will bring it up some time when appropriate.

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Original poster

mummananna · 06/04/2018 12:52

Redlocks 28. Sorry this is unpleasant reading for you. My gd was always happy with her names until fairly recently when she is confronted by a choice of shortened versions. We are not forcing her to adopt any particular name. The reason I changed shortened version to Bella at age 16 months and avoided Izzy was because the foster carers chose to call her that. But now she is older it is different. She can choose what she wants, sorry if it was unclear.

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Ted27 · 06/04/2018 12:53

just to add, my son was 8 when he came to live with me. He is 14 now.

The idea of 'Geoff' crops up from time to time, Geoff couldnt be further away from his name if you tried.

What its really all about is identity, a lot of adopted kids have issues around this, sometimes its about is the name, sometimes its other things. My son also has issues about his hair (afro) and skin colour.

You might find it helpful to find support from a kinship adopters/carers group, and possibly also look at transracial adopters/carers.

Good luck!

Original poster

mummananna · 06/04/2018 12:54

BrownTurkey, Yes, I'm sure you're right.

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Original poster

mummananna · 06/04/2018 12:58

Ted27, yes, you are right. I should have posted on a kinship group. There has been a lot of misinterpretation here but some have appreciated the issues due to kinship and difficult start. That is such a good idea about transracial adoptive groups. I have never thought of that. Glad I shared now even if my post came across as confusing for which I apologise. Thank you.

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blueskyinmarch · 06/04/2018 13:07

Children can be very flexible about their names and who calls them what. My DDs (age 20 and 25) both have names which can be shortened in a variety of ways. They know who calls them what and respond to all variations of their names (except one which DD2 hates and she will correct anyone using it).

Your GD can be Izzy to her friends, Bella to you, Isabella for formal functions, Isabel to her great aunt. They are all variations on her name and none are 'wrong'. If she hates Isabel then she can correct her great aunt or just accept that that is what she calls her. My FIL has spelled my DD1s name wrong for 25 years. She used to comment on it but now just accepts it as his quirk.

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