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Original poster

Naming a child's middle name after deceased relative

32 replies

Gemmamummy86 · 07/10/2017 16:26

Hi. I think my scenario might be pretty unique to some but just wondered what other mums think and whether my feelings are a bit harsh or not.
We already have a little girl and her middle name is Vida (female version of David) and means "life" after my dad passed away very young at only 51. We are now expecting a little boy and my husband has decided he would like Peter as a middle name after his dad. His dad is very much alive and whilst I love him as my father in law I can't help but think it detracts from what we chose to do with our little girl.
We want to find something meaningful as a middle name for him but I don't really like the name Peter and think it's a bit harsh on any relative we have that's alive as we haven't honored them!
What are your thoughts? Am I being unreasonable?

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Emotionalweek · 07/10/2017 16:27

Yes yabu.

It doesnt detract at all.

BelleandBeast · 07/10/2017 16:29

Well he won't live forever will he?

YABU. Honour parents, dead or alive.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/10/2017 16:29

I think it's fine, and fair for your dh. If it is we'll known that Vida is for David. Both grandfathers have been honoured. No one is left out.

0hCrepe · 07/10/2017 16:30

I think it would be a lovely gesture to have his middle name after his grandad and very appropriate. He is alive to appreciate it too.
My ds is named after my late brother and his middle names after his grandpas my dd has both grandmas' names for her middle names as do I. I'm sorry I can't see how it's not special.

BikeRunSki · 07/10/2017 16:31

Every family and baby is different. Calling a child after a deceased relative does not devalue the importance of other relatives!

My nephew has 2 middle names, named for relatives who died before he was born. He hates that his, in his words, "name is full of ghosts".
DS has two middle names, both after people who are still living. This has given him a particular closeness to them.
DD also has 2 middle names - one a traditional family girls name, one a place name. No deceased relatives. It's still a lovely name, a

BikeRunSki · 07/10/2017 16:32

Posted too soon...
.... it's still a lovely name, and meaningful to us.

Treat each child individually, for that is what they are.

ImListening · 07/10/2017 16:33

Of course YABU! You cannot name after one & not the other. Dead or alive.

0hCrepe · 07/10/2017 16:34

It is not harsh on other relatives either, he's his closest male relative after his dad and it fits the pattern of your dd's name. It's perfect. I'd be upset if I were your dh or Fil tbh!

Bazinga1234 · 07/10/2017 16:35

I have two children who have middle names after deceased loved ones - my dad and DHs great-nanny. They actually flow very nicely so it works well.

We are pregnant again, we don't know the gender. We will either use a random middle name or won't bother at all.

I wouldn't name a child after someone alive, purely because my other two have a name in memory of someone.

longestlurkerever · 07/10/2017 16:36

What about two middle names - David and Peter? Would that work for you?

harlandgoddard · 07/10/2017 16:37

I don’t think it would detract at all.

Although I don’t think YABU to say no if you really don’t like it, but then you could say ok if you get to pick the first name or another middle name for example.

SoupDragon · 07/10/2017 16:50

YABU I'm afraid.

Lozmatoz · 07/10/2017 16:51

Don’t follow your logic at all. It won’t detract from anything, it just means both your children will have links to their grandfathers. Just because some isn’t dead yet, doesn’t mean they are not as important.

Oly5 · 07/10/2017 16:52

Yabu, how lovely your DH wants to use his dad's name for your son.
You're not being fair.
In no way does it devalue the name you gave to your daughter

Floralnomad · 07/10/2017 16:57

If you don't like the name don't use it , I assume your dh liked the name your dd was given . My ds is has his deceased grandads name as a middle name and it never crossed our minds that we would have to 'even' it up with the second child , which we didn't . Peter is one of my dogs middle names but it goes ok with his other names .

AJPTaylor · 07/10/2017 16:59

yabu. we have 3 dds, one each named for our sisters(lucky to only have 1 each!) bonus baby middle name after eldest neice. all alive.

Flossy1978 · 07/10/2017 17:00

YABU.

ilovesushi · 07/10/2017 17:02

Not sure what being alive or dead has to do with it. I think it is lovely to pass on names of beloved family members to the new generation. My DS' second name is his granddad's/ my FIL's (alive) and also my grandfather's (dead) so has a double significance. My DD's second name is after my grandma (dead). I like that fact they both have middle names of their great grandparents and the fact my FIL shares one of those names is even better. The fact that he is alive means he is totally chuffed about it and maybe it even had some impact on forming the fantastic bond between him and my DS.

insancerre · 07/10/2017 17:04

Yanbu
I've done the same
Ds has my brothers name as his middle name
My brother died age 17 in a car accident on the day I found out I was pregnant with ds
When dd was born I couldn't give her a middle name
I get exactly where you are coming from

steppemum · 07/10/2017 17:11

we have used a name from each of our dcs 4 grandparents in some way in our dcs names.

3 of those people are still alive
One is dead.
We have also used a name that is linked to both my Grannies.

Honouring people can be done if they are dead or alive.
As you used a version of David that sn't the actual name, you coudl do the same for Peter, search for variations of Peter in other languages etc.

AnxietyStrikes · 07/10/2017 17:14

My mum's sister died in a tragic car accident jist before i was born, so my middle name is her name. It's something that has always been very special in my family for a much loved and missed family member who is no longer with us.

I think it's a lovley way to keep that person's memory alive

heateallthebuns · 07/10/2017 17:15

Sounds fair enough of your dh tbh. Both grand parents get remembered (they'll both be dead eventually!)

Youcanstayundermyumbrella · 07/10/2017 17:19

Between them my children have six names and four are those of dead relatives. One is for a living relative and one we just liked. The relatives are (to them) two great grandparents, a great uncle, a second cousin and a great aunt.

Everyone in our family has appreciated the meaning behind what we've done and no one on either side has minded how equal things are. I think YABU unreasonable not of include your FiL because he is still alive.

greendale17 · 07/10/2017 17:25

YABU- I don't understand your logic at all

MrsHathaway · 07/10/2017 17:26

I agree you're overthinking.

My eldest has a middle name directly honouring an opposite sex family member - like OP we had to do some jiggling but everyone knows that's why his middle name is that.

DC2 then has two middle names: one is DF's name (very much alive) and one is GFIL who had died only a few days before DC2 was born.

With DC3's name we then honoured the last two quarters of the children's heritage by using FIL's name and a name that's in every generation of my mother's family.

We have honoured those living and dead, directly and indirectly. Each child's name doesn't affect any of the others' - though DC1 sometimes grumps about not having two middle names.

I think naming after a living grandparent is a lovely thing to do (obviously, as I've done it twice). I would only avoid doing so if I thought the name was objectively unusable e.g. Adolf, or if I really disliked the person.

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