Would you not use a middle name to please your partner?

[ArchieandLouise]

Hi,

My partner has diagnosed OCD. There are various things in life that cause an issue. He is perfectly fine though, has a good job, functions fine, etc.

We are expected our first DC and I'd love for him to have the middle name George. It has very strong connections with my family tree. Plus, my dad passed when we were TTC and it was his name (along with his dad's middle name, etc.)

DP says we really can't give him a middle name because it will stress him out. He gets quite upset at the thought because he knows it will really affect him.

Would you go with no middle name?

I don't have a middle name and my mum said it was difficult enough to think of one...I felt I wasn't even worthy of the effort of thinking of one..

However most people I know don't like there middle name.

The OCD..One big thing I learnt living with my now EXh that I did a lot to enable the OCD and so I in a way made it worse.

I know I haven't really answered your question but thats because I do feel quite on the fence.

I have OCD, so I definitely sympathise... Some of these comments

It's a tough one... I don't know what I'd do. I'd say it's completely different to school choice/vaccinations, etc. as those choices would have an effect on your child, so you'd have to put your child first. A middle name doesn't - people choose not to give their children middle names... People wouldn't choose to send their child to an inconvenient school. IYSWIM?

Ultimately, I don't think I would.

@ArchieandLouise I'd say keep your strength for bigger battles. Right now you are both miserable over a name,and a middle name at that.
I know it has a big meaning for you,but is it really that important and essential?

Gosh, the impact on my DP would be far more important to me than my child having a bloody middle name. He has an illness and giving one will aggravate his illness. Have some compassion. That goes to the many posters who seem to think he has any control of this and think the OP wanting a middle name is more important.

No I don't think you should give your child a middle name if it is going to cause problems for your DH.

I don't see the point of middle names anyway. I have one and it's a perfectly nice one but I never use it. I don't even put it on forms usually only the occasional official one.

DH doesn't have a middle name and it's never bothered him

I would go without a middle name but insist the first name was George.

Whilst you can't control OCD, it is vitally important to develop coping mechanisms to ensure it doesn't spiral out of control. Particularly when facing a big life stress - like having a baby.

Whilst avoidance can be an effective one, it's not the most constructive. The DH should IMO have effectively explored other coping mechanisms before saying no to the middle name.

Yes, I agree with Olivia, above.

The compromise my husband and I reached over middle names was none on the birth certificate but would be Christened with middle names of my choosing.

DD1 is actually happy with the arrangement. She can choose to use her middle name as and when it suits her and if she wants it enshrined as her legal name we'll support her choice.

DD2 doesn't really understand the concept at the moment (only 4) but will give her the same options.

@Batteriesallgone - how do you know he hasn't?

I don't know what his problem is with the middle name and I don't think you should give one if it's a problem for him.

However, unless both first and last names are unusual, I'd give a third or fourth name, which could be a surname (double barreled, whatever), because otherwise it will be easier to get your DS confused with other people with the same name.
Particularly if he would want to become a scientist, then it's always useful to have an extra initial to use to make sure his work is recognised as only his own.
You really have to think ahead, you know?

Because the OP said he's had very limited interaction with trained professionals. Ability to deal with OCD isn't really something you can do effectively on your own without decent therapy.

Can you use George as a first name, is the idea of any middle name or this name that's the problem?

Would he be happier with a double barrelled first name? So officially "Fred-George" rather than "Fred George" ? Or would that not work either?

Would he be happy with an additional middle name between the names, or would this not help?

OP from what you've said I wouldn't use George as a mn in fact I wouldn't mention the name at all knowing the impact it has on your H.

@Batteriesallgone - I read that he's had CBT, etc.

Aren't middle names a religious thing? Your baptismal name? Are you getting the baby Baptised?

I would say, to help with your DH's condition, to not give the child a middle name. They never get used anyway.

Well everyone's different. I wouldn't consider one 12 week course to be sufficient to cover everything. Particularly given the challenges and changes of parenthood ahead.

@BrandNewHouse why would he or OP have to lie? No one asks me why I don't have a middle name,much less expects me to justify the lack of it.
It's a frikking name, that barely gets used anyways. DD has one and even her school doesn't use it.

@Batteriesallgone - she later said about how 'therapists' didn't get it and was referred to a psychiatrist and how it's been happening since childhood.

Well if my comments are irrelevant OP can ignore them.

If his illness is impacting long term decisions regarding his children, and he isn't in a place where he and OP have discussed this long and in depth enough to render a thread like this unnecessary, my suspicion is that he could probably do with more help.

I had years and years of therapy, plus perinatal support in all my pregnancies. HV support has been hit and miss tbh. But every service has been clear that my history of OCD is considered 'high risk' regarding new parenthood. Obviously it's different for me being female as I am the one actually experiencing the pregnancy. Also I have other compounding traumas. So maybe as I said my comments are irrelevant, but I don't think I've been actively unhelpful.

Generally additional help is a good thing IMO.