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Baby names

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Original poster

Would you not use a middle name to please your partner?

72 replies

ArchieandLouise · 04/09/2017 00:14

Hi,

My partner has diagnosed OCD. There are various things in life that cause an issue. He is perfectly fine though, has a good job, functions fine, etc.

We are expected our first DC and I'd love for him to have the middle name George. It has very strong connections with my family tree. Plus, my dad passed when we were TTC and it was his name (along with his dad's middle name, etc.)

DP says we really can't give him a middle name because it will stress him out. He gets quite upset at the thought because he knows it will really affect him.

Would you go with no middle name?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

AdalindSchade · 04/09/2017 08:05

ifyougo yeah but do your kids feel the same way about them? I doubt it

Batteriesallgone · 04/09/2017 08:06

Hmmm. I have OCD. I don't know how I feel about this. I would be keen to find a workaround to my distress if it was me, but I have had years and years of therapy so am pretty good with my coping techniques.

It sounds like he hasn't had enough therapy tbh. Can you afford private therapy?

How about he finds a private counsellor who would be willing to work on this with him as a priority? After 6 weeks (or so) either he can cope with it or he can't.

Also I don't suppose you could mention his condition to the midwives, see if there is any mental health support for fathers to be? It won't be offered at the same intensity as perinatal mental health services obviously, but you might find the midwife is able to get the GP to fast track him for more counselling.

This in itself isn't a big issue as such, I just wonder if it's a cover for deeper issues that might emerge once the baby arrives and he'd probably benefit from some therapy to figure that out.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 04/09/2017 08:08

Ada they are I. Their twenties now and absolutely love their middle names. They are all family names.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 04/09/2017 08:09

*in their 20s

timeisnotaline · 04/09/2017 08:09

I would wonder what else re parenting will cause these issues which are less superficial than middle names, it sounds like there will be many much larger problems coming your way. Children don't follow regular rules much less prescriptive rules designed to support someone's mental health.
Agree with pp who said if you both have middle names and he copes with that...

Chaffinch4 · 04/09/2017 08:12

I would day that in any situation it is important that both partners agree on a child's name(s). There are some I would love to use (family names) which DH has vetoed because he doesn't like them, which isn't as good a reason as being mentally affected by it. I think you both need to feel happy with the named you choose.

GriswaldFamilyVacation · 04/09/2017 08:12

Is t all possible he's just looking for a reason not to use George a middle name? The world and it's nan have each names.

GriswaldFamilyVacation · 04/09/2017 08:12

Have middle names!

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 04/09/2017 08:13

Actually Ada, DD1 has two middle names, DD1 only one. DD2 is rather upset about the unfairness of this and as a teenager wanted to change her name by deadpoll, in order to give herself another middle name.

bridgetreilly · 04/09/2017 08:26

When you say 'to please your partner' you mean 'because the child's other parent who has equal say in the matter prefers not', right? You aren't the one making the decision, you both are. And while it sounds as though you would be disappointed with no middle name, he has actual mental health issues to consider. So I think you would be very unreasonable to insist on overriding his wishes on this matter.

GeorgeTheHamster · 04/09/2017 08:32

Is it really about the middle name or is this actually a focus for his worries about a new baby? If so the worries will transfer to something else, surely.

RebelRogue · 04/09/2017 10:30

I would as long as I got the first name i wanted .

Jinxis · 04/09/2017 10:35

The people on this thread are shocking.

"I don't see how it will affect him?" What?????? You don't know what his OCD is.

@GriswaldFamilyVacation you stood out.

Original poster

ArchieandLouise · 04/09/2017 10:37

I've already said, he can't explain his OCD, it's very complex. He was referred to a psychiatrist as regular therapists didn't get it. This is going way back into his childhood. He isn't just making it up to not have George (he likes the name and gets upset and says he's sorry and wishes he could).

I think the reality is, we will need to go without one.

OP posts:

Jinxis · 04/09/2017 10:39

OP, there is such an assumption that OCD is as easy as "not liking uneven numbers" "needing it clean" it's literally obsessive compulsive disorder... It can affect you in any parts of life.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 04/09/2017 10:39

I can't quite believe that you are actually considering going ahead and registering your baby with an uneccessary middle name, when you know that to do so will make your DP's condition worse.

If using the name George is very important to you (and I understand why it would be), then use it as baby's first & only name.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 04/09/2017 10:46

i always feel sorry for people with no middle name. I think children need a minimum of 2 middle names

Save your pity for children who actually need it! It didn't occur to is to give Ds a middle name and years later no one gives it second thought.

I don't know what the answer is OP but your dh needs to seek more help.

minipie · 04/09/2017 11:02

Your DS is not going to care about middle names for years.

So I would say, don't give him a middle name now, hopefully in future your DP will be better and you can add it then.

I do agree with the concerns of pp that there are going to be other issues caused by his OCD though. There are so many decisions involved in bringing up a baby/child and in some cases you will have to do what is best for the child regardless of his OCD. If you have any avenues for more therapy it would be a good idea. Sorry I know it's not easy

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 04/09/2017 11:10

A middle name isn't going to have any significant impact on a child one way or the other, it really isn't. It's a 'nice to have' rather than essential, and if you're worried your child may later decide they want a different name to use then they can choose one. It seems likely your dp suffers badly enough that sooner or later something will come up that will significantly impact your child and you may have to insist for your child's sake. May be worth picking your battles.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 04/09/2017 11:11

I'm assuming like a lot of obscure ocd stuff, no reason can be given, it just "is"
But can he explain at all what is "wrong" with a middle name?
Ie if son was registered with only 2 names but his middle name was unofficially added, would that still upset him?
Or vice versa, register middle name and then ignore its existence?

Lemonnaise · 04/09/2017 11:12

I don't have a middle name and I didn't give my DD a middle name. It has never been a problem.

DressedCrab · 04/09/2017 11:12

How would he feel about 2 middle names? I'm sorry he's ill but you can't let his illness run your life or that of your child.

FilledSoda · 04/09/2017 11:15

Is not worse to allow the OCD to win?
Does living by these rules not actually make the condition worse?
I'm not being goady , I honestly don't know but it would just feel wrong to me for compromises to be made on my child's behalf to temporarily sooth a mental health problem.
Going forward I wouldn't want my child to miss out on anything because of a parents illness.
You love your dh of course and wouldn't want to cause him distress but it isn't just about him anymore.

MagicMarkers · 04/09/2017 11:22

Middle names aren't that important, but what if his OCD comes up against something really important, e.g. choice of school, vaccinations, medical decisions? There will be something where you'll have to draw a line and say that your child's welfare is more important.

Batteriesallgone · 04/09/2017 11:26

Referral to a psychiatrist isn't unusual, especially as the initial diagnosis ought to come from a suitably qualified doctor - which means a psychiatrist.

There should be routes open to him to explore more involved treatment. The usual route that I have experienced is a psychiatrist overseeing the treatment provided by a suitable therapist, often in combination with online therapies which I believe have a good success rate with OCD (haven't done any myself as have always been a priority referral for various reasons).

I definitely think this is worth mentioning to midwives and seeing if there is any support available there.

It is always a good idea for people with pre-existing mental health conditions to access help during their pregnancy / their partners pregnancy. Much like if you had a pre-existing physical condition you would think about how a pregnancy and baby might impact that condition. I didn't really appreciate this in my first pregnancy, and although I got an automatic referral and counselling which was handy as I developed AND, I still didn't appreciate how much my mental state would impact on us once the baby had actually arrived. The impact of having a baby in the house on someone with OCD shouldn't be underestimated!!

This has the potential to affect much more than just whether or not baby has a middle name.

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