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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Naming baby after living relative

26 replies

RuggerHug · 09/06/2017 19:57

First DC is due in the next few weeks and still not able to agree on a name with DH. I made a few suggestions and asked him to think about any he might like. The only one he had was after his DF. Now his DF is a lovely man and it's nothing at all against him but I can't use the name. I've said as a middle name or the Irish version of it but neither of these 'count' according to DH

He has now started saying either his DF name or his DBs name are his only suggestions as it's 'to remember them by and pass on'. No one else in his family has these names so it's not a tradition or anything like that but he is adamant these are the only ones he wants. I never thought 'to remember' someone names were used when they were all still alive, am I the only one who thinks this?

To make things worse I'm 90% sure this isn't even his idea, it's his DM who is pushing for it. I overheard her on the phone to him earlier asking if we has decided which of the names we were using and asking why we hadn't yet

Am I the only person who thinks that you don't use the exact names of very close family when they're still around or is that a good enough reason I can use? (Besides the obvious I don't want those names reason).

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Original poster

RuggerHug · 09/06/2017 19:58

Christ that was a lot longer than I intended it to be, apologies!!!

OP posts:

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 09/06/2017 20:02

I did. DS2 has FILs name. He died last year when DS2 was seven. It just suits DS2 down to the ground because he is a stubborn awkward bugger like his namesake

Cheerybigbottom · 09/06/2017 20:12

My parents named one child after themselves each, it's very indulgent. I 'had' to include my fathers name as sons middle name as it's now tradition apparently.

Your DH would be wise to stop discussing potential names with family. Name only declared when baby is here. Keep discussing suggestions. If you agree to a name you dislike you will regret it, keep your mind open and I hope baby's dad will too.

Original poster

RuggerHug · 09/06/2017 20:24

Ah ok, just me so. Think it's because in my family any names that are repeated have a few generations of a gap and they're never around at the same time.
Oh and Cheery I didn't know he was discussing it with his DM until I overhead that. She has already 'decided' what school DS will be going to (like fuck!) so I'm sure she has just said the names she wants thinking it'll just happen

OP posts:

Jooni · 09/06/2017 20:26

If you don't want or like these names, especially as first names, that should be the end of the discussion IMO. Both parents need to be on board. Compromises like the ones you've suggested are one way round the issue, but if he won't agree to that then that's his choice.

I wouldn't personally name a child directly after a living relative but I don't think it's a big no. But if you don't want to, that's that. He needs to accept it and open himself up to discussing other options.

IWillCrushYouLikeABug · 09/06/2017 20:27

I don't think it's weird if you really like the person (and love the name). I wouldn't be pushed in to it though. Have you got a relative with a crap name? Say you've come round to the idea and want to name it after uncle Bob now.

CaptainBraandPants · 09/06/2017 20:30

DS1 is named after my still living Dad. They both seem to have the same stubborn traits as well.
However, DH was happy with this and I wouldn't have gone ahead if he wasn't happy.
It's not fair of your DH to pressurise you to use names you don't like.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 09/06/2017 20:31

I haven't heard anyone being named after a living relative, only a deceased one. Except in the US where they do the "junior" thing. I find it odd - surely leads to confusion, and why do you need to remember someone who is still there? I also wouldn't like being named after a living relative myself - annoying if you don't like them, or if they do something bad later (imagine if Dh's father took off with a younger woman and the family ostracized him), or just irritating in your teenage years when you want to carve out independence.

We asked a relative to suggest some names from the family tree and they suggested..... Their own name. Right.

BellyBean · 09/06/2017 20:44

At the end of the day, even if some do and I don't think it's that common - middle name much more usual - it's your choice. If you don't like it your DH shouldn't trump your choice.

UsaNayme · 09/06/2017 21:33

For me, honour names should only be middle names, because they only suit 1 parent. Also, it lets the child have their own identity.

You need to confront him about feeding information to his mum in secret

IWillCrushYouLikeABug · 09/06/2017 22:15

Oh I just remembered my relative Sally suggested Sara after herself "as they're the same name, but I like Sara better" Well they're not. Also you don't suggest your own name even if they were the same name!

I agree with your husband that the Irish version of someone's name isn't their name. If you name something after someone it should be heir actual same name. Not that you should of course!

ItsNachoCheese · 09/06/2017 22:18

I gave my ds my dads name and my grandpas name as middle names. Said id always name a boy after my grandpa then when ds arrived i told my dad he was named after him too. He was thrilled as he had no idea. Ds is his first grandson and first boy on his side of the family for 30yrs

choli · 09/06/2017 22:22

Probably at least half of Irish people of my generation were named after a living relative. Every one of my siblings was, only I was named after a deceased relative. It doesn't seem strange to me at all.

bojorojo · 09/06/2017 22:22

It is quite often courteous to use it as a middle name or third name but I think it raises the issue of a dynasty! Would it be John I and John II like Davis Love III? You don't need a name to remember someone by. Having said that, I have the same name as my mother and it is very unusual! It is not a good idea!

BackforGood · 09/06/2017 22:32

I'm with you OP.
I mean, I know there are some families that do it (I believe quite a lot of Irish families in particular), but to my mind, it is a really odd thing to do.
You don't need another person to have your name to be remembered, even if you have passed away.
When you are still relatively young and not even expected to be pooping your clogs anytime soon, it is just odd. Means lots of confusing conversations with people having to check which 'John' you are talking about. Seems to put some kind of pressure on the child to 'follow in the footsteps of...{Grand dad / Uncle}' which seems odd.
You should find names you both like and use them.

29Palms · 10/06/2017 00:13

It used to be very very common, even the norm.

I don't really get why you would think the relative needs to be dead for a child to be given their name. It's a compliment often appreciated by the living.

Pallisers · 10/06/2017 00:19

It was/is very common. My nephew was named after my dad - alive. If I had another boy I might have named him after dad too - he was a fab person. My children all have middle names after various dead and alive relatives.

But the thing is that it is common doesn't matter at all. What matters is whether you are happy with the name. If you aren't then it is off the table. Tell your dh that FIL and BIL's names are not contenders so back to the drawing board.

I bet you are giving your baby your dh's surname - right? So why should he also get a first name after a close paternal relative too - fine if you love the name, not at all fine if you don't.

Just tell your dh you need to come up with another list. And if he says anything about his mother or father look him in the eye and say "I do hope you aren't waiting for approval of names from your mummy and daddy - we're the grown ups now"

Pallisers · 10/06/2017 00:21

I know a family where every single generation is called Robert. And every single one of them uses the shortened version of Rob - no Bobs, Roberts, or Robbies. So you have Big Rob, Junior Rob, Little Rob etc. Startling lack of imagination.

SuperBeagle · 10/06/2017 00:33

I don't like it, personally. I share a first and surname with an aunt (wasn't named after her - was named after my deceased great grandmother) and I couldn't despise her more. I hate that I have to share a part of my identity with her. My parents were going to go with the name Amelia - which had no family significance - and I remain a tad resentful that I'm not named that for this reason.

So none of my children are named after family, with the exception of DS1 who is named - indirectly - after my dad who passed away when I was very young. He doesn't share his exact name (because, again, he was named after his living dad, who was an utter dickhead and who deserves no respect). My dad had a nickname completely different from his given name and the nickname is what we called DS1.

There's an inherent risk in giving your child the name of living relative, IMO/IME.

MimiSunshine · 10/06/2017 11:08

Next time he says it's to remember them by, look puzzled and say "they're not dead or are you hinting at an upcoming murder?"

Then tell him you're happy for one of those to be a middle name (but only if you are) but the baby deserves his own name.
If he says it's first name or nothing then tell him okay nothing as you were willing to compromise a s clearly he isn't.

My friends husband tried to insist on only his name choice by refusing to only consider his preferred 3 names, she spent weeks coming up with alternate lists that he kept saying no to as he only liked X, Y and Z and that she could pick which one of those the baby had. She didn't like any of them so stood her ground that it needed to be a short list they both decided on

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 10/06/2017 11:11

Please don't 'give in' to giving your child a name you don't like just to keep the peace.

I did 3 weeks ago and I don't like it. I can't bring myself to call DS by his name, he just gets 'baby'.

And your DH has said 'that or nothing' so he's given you an option: nothing.

You both need to agree.

kel1234 · 10/06/2017 11:24

If it's what both parents (if they are both involved of course) want, then it's fine. But it shouldn't be up to parents or anyone else.
My husband and I decided that middle names would be after our closest friends. Was our first baby, and chose not to find out the sex, so if we had a boy his middle name would be dh's friends name, and if we had a girl, her middle name would be my friends name. We both agreed that, and asked both friends if they would object to this.
We had a boy, and he is (middle) named after dh's friend. If we have a girl next, she will be (middle) named after my friend, as agreed.

llangennith · 10/06/2017 11:41

Lots of families include a family name as a middle name but I definitely would not choose as a first name the name of anybody at all unless I REALLY loved it. And certainly not to indulge any relative!
Stand firm OP and be as stubborn as your DH.

OwlsinTowls · 10/06/2017 14:32

I wanted to name DD after my GM somehow, even though she is still alive. She wasn't a fan of her first name, so we used her middle ad a middle for DD instead. GMs middle was her own GMs first name.

OwlsinTowls · 10/06/2017 14:33

*as

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