Husband wants baby (if boy!) to have his name

[ELW2006]

Hi everyone,

I have a little (potential) dilemma.

My husband and I have been married for ten years and after ttc all this time we have finally been blessed and I am just over 12 weeks pregnant.

We are both absolutely delighted, albeit still very cautious as our scan isn't until Monday (although did have early scan at 7 Weeks and seen heartbeat) but I just can't get the niggling issue of boys names out of my head.

My husband wants to name it after him and whilst I don't dislike his name particularly I really don't like the thought of our (possible) son having the same name.

My husband is a wonderful man and usually when we don't agree on something we will find some common ground to settle it but on the subject of boys names he will not budge at all!!! He reminds me that he has always said he has wanted to call a boy the same name and the conversation basically ends there. My husband was named after his dad but I feel that's more of a tribute than a tradition as it's just been passed down once.

We are going to have a gender scan at 16 Weeks so this may not even be an issue however how would you go about trying to get your husband to at least open himself up to considering different names if needed?

xXx

How unimaginative

Sorry to sound like a complete snob, but the only people who I have ever met who have done this have also been a certain "type" - loud, rude, covered in tattoos, very "look at me" personalities.

Another one saying I don't get this tradition of first names the same down the generations - how boring, and confusing. I like names which run through families as first name/middle name though and suggest you do that.

My husband is something like the 6th James "Surname" in his family. He really wanted DS1 to be called James but I couldn't cope with having DH, FIL and DS1 all the very same name I offered middle name instead but apparently it had to be first name or bust. So DS1 has a different name entirely. We had DS2 (hahaha was hoping it might be a girl just to avoid this whole sorry saga again!) and this time DH decided he was happy with James as a middle name Although when I tell people DS2 is James after his dad, DH says "no, after his grandad" Argh.

Ps my dad has same name as his nephew. Even with that distance in the family it still causes tremendous confusion and nephew gets called first name middle name which he detests. Give your child his own identity.

(Sorry Flip not cross post as i should have read yours before posting mine! Just posting from my own experience that having constant identical names in families is hard from identity pov but glad it works for you! )

My DH was named after his grandfather (first and middle name) when his Grandad died his grief was made harder because he kept seeing his name on the death certificate, he had to focus on year of birth. Even now after over 15 years he still finds it hard to visit his grave because he sees his name.

My cousin got round this by agreeing to James as the first name but insisting the child was known by his second name - Paul. She just refused to compromise despite heavy pressure from her DH's family. In the end he caved.

Every time one of DH's relatives tried to undermine her by using the first name she corrected them and she also returned presents and cards with the wrong name asking for them to be correctly addressed.

Both parents are entitled to veto any name.

My DB is the umpteenth with his first name and he has two DDs. My DS also has this first name. However we use nicknames or middle names so there are no two alive at the same time.
So great grandfather: full name
Grandfather: odd traditional nickname that bears little resemblance to the name.
My DF: fairly normal nickname
My DB: known by middle name
My DS: uses the full name.

I'd say yes, as you can see, but use his middle name, or a variant (though I see that's harder! Noah?)

snuggly My DF family are not like that. Naice intellectuals, doctors and the like to a man.

My narc ex did this. I refused and said i agreed to a middle name of the family. But only if it was double barrelled with my fathers. I suggested a first name early on and he wouldn't have it. Then came up with it line it was his idea with weeks to go

I just wouldn't budge. Tell him you're not doing that.

My brother, father and grandfather all share a name, and DB wants to pass the name down if he ever has a DS. None of them are loud, rude and covered in tattoos by the way.

I met a South African couple who had a DD and a DS who they named after themselves, with their old fashioned names, so e.g. Keith and Sheila and mini Keith and mini Sheila. What was worse was when I politely said "oh you've called them after yourselves" they gave me this look hmm and said that they hadn't done that, they just liked the names confused.

That's absolute gold. I can imagine them now. ' Erm, no - it's pure coincidence. Our two favourite names in the world just happen to be our own names.'

Ffs!

I'd really resent his entitled attitude. You don't like it so it has to be something else that you both agree on. Relationships need compromise, he doesn't get to dictate anything. As stubborn as he is, is as stubborn as I would become.

What does he propose to do if you are blessed with a further boy in the future? Noel Junior Squared?

He is being ridiculous and needs to compromise - a name is a joint effort not a done deal because "I said". Childish.

His position manages to sound vain, patriarchal and absurdly unimaginative. I have a strong dislike of calling babies after family members, anyway -- it sounds more like an obsession with Maintaining the Family Line than an interest in giving a child a name that isn't a secondhand version of one that's already in the immediate family in your case. Obviously no name is unique, unless you've invented it, like those twee house names made up of bits of the names of the owners, but why would you voluntarily engineer a situation where two people closely related and living in the same house for 20 years or so have identical names?

I say this as someone who grew up in a household where not only did my brother and father have identical names, but for a period of about eight years, my great-uncle and my grandfather also lived with us - and yes, two more of the same, exact name.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP, but really, knock this one on the head. Apart from anything else, Noel is not something that's going to work easily for a child born in 2017. It would be like calling a baby Malcolm.

I'd maybe show him this thread btw OP. spots comment sounds bang on to me "patriarchal, vain and unimaginative".

DH is named after his father and we planned to name DS after him. However when I was pregnant we bumped into one of his cousins who called DH "Wee James" DH said he'd forgotten how much he disliked being called "Wee James" to distinguish him from his father James, and decided that he didn't want that for his son. So DS has James as his middle name.

How did your DH's family distinguish between your FIL Noel and your DH Noel? And how does your DH suggest you distinguish between him and your DS Noel?

Oops sorry coulibri not spots!

I can't imagine my DH ever being like this and if he was, I wouldn't stand for it. the conversation basically ends there OK, so end the conversation there...for now,

If you have a girl, then the issue doesn't come up. If you have a boy, revisit the conversation with the fact that you are equally adamant and his wishes don't trump yours. Wait to decide once the baby arrives.

Congratulations by the way, don't let this cloud your pregnancy., names can be such a tricky topic, but people change their minds all the time

FIL and BIL are both called the same. I can testify that it is PITA and because it's a PITA then BIL was called by his middle name for his childhood years, which rather defeats the egocentric purpose anyway.

It's also terribly unimaginative and both parents should reach agreement over the name chosen and not feel bullied into it.

I think you should insist the baby gets your name if a girl. See how he likes it.

Tricky one! I always loved Jacob but DH has vetoed. We've decided on Alfred (if a boy), we both love it (was top of both our lists when we did them separately) and both our GFs were called it.

I like previous suggestions of Leon or using DHs name a middle name. I think you do need to sit him down and lay it out though. Provide him with a different perspective - you have every right to veto a name too, you are growing the baby and your say doesn't diminish if it's a boy, you have to call the baby by his name too, and the confusion thing.

Good luck!