Is it wrong to not use chosen name, as they're stillborn?

[Dovie]

This is a really sensitive subject, so obviously I don't mind you saying it is/isn't wrong, but just don't be really spiteful

We had a name picked out, from the day we knew he was a boy.

Would it be wrong to now not use this name, just because he was stillborn? It seems like I don't love him doesn't it?

I totally get this OP having seen a close friend go through exactly the same dilemma. She chose a different name and it was the right decision for her. I'm struggling to word this sensitively but I think it's about the name you'd chosen being connected to the hopes and dreams you had for your baby and trying to come to terms with the loss of those hopes and dreams. It doesn't mean you love him any less, of course it doesn't, for my friend I think it was just too painful to give her baby the name she'd originally chosen. I'm so sorry for your loss OP, you need to be kind to yourself and do what feels right to you now

I am so sorry , I am sure whatever name you choose to give your little boy it will be right and won't change how much you love him

It's not wrong at all. We spent ages choosing a name and imagining our DD as a baby, then a little girl, then a teen, a young woman etc..we wanted a name we could imagine through every stage of her life.

Keep your chosen name and choose a name that is special for this little one.

Heartfelt sympathy to you x

Absolutely not. You use the name you want. If you had a name and you don't want to use it for him then don't, find another.

We went with the names we'd picked for dd2 and ds as that's who they were to us already, I loved the names and I knew I wouldn't have been able to use them for another baby. As it is im glad I did because we are lot having any more.

Saying that I did dither a little with dd2 as I wasn't sure I wanted to use it. As it was she arrived and it was just her (we had a tfmr with her and ds died in utero so we knew before both arrived that they were dead)

for you. Stillbirth and baby loss is heartbreaking

so sorry for your loss. Teddy is a beautiful name. please chose whatever feels right for you and be guided by what you are feeling. God bless you

Such a sad choice. I don't think anyone should criticise what ever you choose to do, but I still think that using the original name might be better. You might regret not using it later, and there are lots of other nice names to choose if you have another boy. Sorry if this sounds awful, but I don't think I would change his name just because he died.

We had a name picked out, but then chose a different one. The new name we chose had a special meaning for us. Also, we were going to use a family middle name, but didn't as that might have been upsetting for the person we were going to name after. Instead we went back a further generation and used the name of a great grandparent as the family middle name.

Of course you love him; and whatever name you give him will be the name you treasure in your heart.

Whatever you do will be ok.
I love the idea of Teddy, how beautiful.
But if you go with your original choice that will be fine too.

There is the option of using your first chosen name as a middle name. My DD died when she was 14. I had two babies after she died and I the masculine versions of her name as their second names (William and Billy).
This doesn't work for everyone but it might be a compromise?

I am so sorry for your loss. Truly sorry

Teddy is a gorgeous name. I am so sorry Dovie. There are no words. But no, not going with your original choice has no bearing at all on your love for your darling boy. Whatever you want to do here is the right thing. and a gentle hug.

I'm so sorry Dovie. I've also had a close friend who went through this. She decided to use a different name for her stillborn DD to the one she had originally picked out, and went for a bit less mainstream name. Some years on, she hasn't had another DD but says that her DD now couldn't be anything other than her name, and also choosing something unusual means she isn't constantly confronted with other children with the same name.

Thinking of you and your precious DS.

I had a fairly similar situation when my son was born, because he was born extremely prematurely and wasn't expected to survive. I'd had one boys' name and one girls' name picked out since I was a teenager. It did cross my mind that I shouldn't use the name because I'd always intended it for a living child - but the thought of maybe never having another chance to use it, and not having another name in mind for my son, meant that he got the name I'd planned. We were then extremely lucky and he eventually pulled through. I do now have a second son but, in hindsight, I don't think I'd have felt comfortable giving him that name if I hadn't given it to DS1.

Do what you want to do and what feels right. Sending very un-MumsNet-y hugs to you.

So sorry you are going through this

Which ever name you chose will be perfect, you may find both names end up being part of your memories of your little one.

I have found as time goes on the memories and associations I have of my tiny stillborn girl continue to grow, like links on a chain. I think it is my way of keeping her memory alive.

You do what is right for you.

I am so sorry for your loss. When our little girl was stillborn she was so small and delicate that the name we had thought of didn't seem right for her so we chose another one. Later when we had another DD we chose another name altogether. Whatever you chose to do will absolutely be OK.

Sorry for your loss

I don't think there's a right or a wrong here.

We wondered this when we lost our twins. In the end we did give them our 'top two' names. We felt they were precious to us and should have those names. When dd came along years later it didn't cross our mind that she could have had our first two girls names'. She was a different child and we had different names for her. But these decisions are very personal and there is no right or wrong. You have to go with how you feel.

As an aside, my niece has the same name as one of our twins. My sister did ask us first and we spent some time considering how we felt (this was 5 years later). For a while that felt odd but now it is ok.

PS Teddy is my favourite boy name.

I always post this link on baby loss threads. It's a safe place for babylost parents and it's amazing I share it in the hope you might find some comfort.

You don't have to rush on the name decision-take some time.

Absolutely your call sweetheart.

We didn't have a chosen name anyway, but in the end we went for one we wouldn't have chosen for a living baby. We went for quite a young name (Charlie) without a formal long name as that felt more apt.

I am so so so sorry for your loss, there literally are no words to make it better. I so wish there were. 9 1/2 years later it is much easier so time has helped.

Much, much love. Xxx

Sorry to hear of your loss OP 💐

When our first born was stillborn a few years ago, we planned to call her Emily when we found out it was a girl and we stuck to that when she was stillborn

Teddy is a wonderful young name

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know of someone who chose to use a different, quite unusual, name instead on the basis that she didn't want to use a name that she was likely to hear shouted out in the playground or the street.

So sorry for your loss.

I had a second trimester miscarriage a few years ago. I already had a couple of names in mind before she died but hadn't settled on one or the other. In the end I felt that one name was more appropriate than the other and called her that. I had another daughter a year later and gave her the other name.

My good friend's twins were stillborn. The names she and her husband had previously chosen were not the names they gave the stillborn children. They went on to have another child and used one of the previously chosen names for this child. It was absolutely fine.

So sad for you. Thinking of you this evening and wishing you well.

I'm so sorry for your loss
We couldn't use the name we had chosen (mc not stillborn) for DS as it was too bittersweet. We are using the name as a middle name though.
Only you know what is right for you and your family but maybe use it as a middle name for both this DS and the possible future DS as a way of carrying the name on.