Ex wants daughter to have an African name

[Jade7392]

Me and my ex are very much separated but trying to remain civil for babies sake and still talking and planning that side of things. I'm 30 weeks with a girl.

Originally I liked the names Lily, Emily and Rosie he liked the names Naveah and Paris neither I was keen on. He said that he didn't want an all English sounding name like Emily and lily for the baby. In the end we agreed on Nalah which is an Arabic variation on the African Nala.

I wanted her middle name to be Elizabeth after my great nan but he doesn't like it and wants her to have his mums name as her middle name which is Atinuke. He is Nigerian. He also wants her to have his second name which is a very African sounding one.

So her name will sound very different and African which will contrast my other children's name which are Austin and Liam Brown.

Am I being unreasonable or harsh if I tell him I don't want her to have that middle name?

[JeanGenie23]

I have a couple of contradictory feelings on this.

1. You compromised with first name so he should with second name.
2. If you are not together, and will not be together I would use your surname not his.
3. Perhaps this man just wants to be involved and fears he won't be so is being abit OTT clutching at straws
4. She could have two middles names and be Nalah Elizabeth Atinuke (your surname)

You don't want to fall out over this, you will need this man more than you may care to think about right now. And had you stayed together surely she would have had a Nigerian name anyway, or at least in part?

[SavoyCabbage]

There was a Nigerian girl in my class at school called Elizabeth.

Elizabeth is a great name as there are so many ways to shorten it. Are there any of these shorter versions of Elizabeth your ex would be happy with?

[NameChangeEr]

Nalah is lovely.
If you and your children have the surname brown, then you definitely need to give her the same name, she needs to feel equal, especially if her father isn't going to be around.

You sound very compromising in the name, when legally you can register without him and without his name in the birth certificate.

I think the suggestions for Nalah Elizabeth Atinuke Brown are good. Or other way round middle names.

Children won't be bullied for middle names, they don't come up that much.
Is the father going to be around much in her life?

[SoupDragon]

Nalah Elizabeth Atinuke Brown

I think this works just fine. No one will use the second middle name, you get two name choices each and they alternate his/yours.

[MamaLazarou]

Nalah is such a beautiful name! Could she have two middle names as a compromise? Of course you will then have to argue about which comes first.

[Jellybeam]

Definitely choose her names. What's he going to do if you don't give her an African name? My DD has my XPs surname and he wouldn't compromise on the first name I liked. And I regret not sticking to my guns by giving her the name I lik and my surname.

He has no say now that you are separated

[Branleuse]

please dont give her his surname. Youre not together, youre not married. It will cause countless issues if you want to travel with her and you have different surnames.

Whatever the hell first name you want to give her, you need to give her your own surname. He needs to back off. Its admirable to want to stay civil, but it sounds like youre bending over backwards and he sounds very controlling

[Stompylongnose]

I have a y5 son and he only
Knows the middle name of a couple of his friends. (He's been in the school since y1)

The sort of names that have made my children snigger are Regina (too close to vagina) , the name Phuc (think it's a middle name) , a child with the initials BJ and people who share a name with a celebrity or teacher. I can't see Atinuke a name that's remotely funny.

I would use
Nahla Elizabeth Atinuke Brown personally.

[TheEmmaDilemma]

Nahla Elizabeth Atinuke Brown personally.

That. It's fair.

[Olbersparadox]

In my experience Nigerians usually prefer their own names. Nahla is not a Nigerian name but if you have agreed that's fair enough. I do not think you should disguise your child's heritage because you feel like they will be bullied for having a Nigerian name. If I were the father I would still insist on the child using my last name but would gladly compromise on it being mine-yours, and you can each have a first name / middle name.

[Jesabel]

I would definitely give your child your surname - better all round for her to have the same surname as the family she lives with.

Nahla Elizabeth Atinuke Yoursurname is a great name.

[juneau]

I would give her an English first name, African second name, Brown. Why not call her Elizabeth Atinuke Brown?

[juneau]

Or Nahala Elizabeth Atinuke Brown?

I have two middle names and its not a problem. I think he'd be having his cake and eating if he gets to choose the first and surname. Better for all your kids to have the same surname IMO.

[kaymondo]

But Olber, he can't insist on his surname - OP can register her daughter without any input from him if she wants.

Compromise on the middle names if you want to, but def use your surname, why should your DD be the only one in your home with a different name?

[Cuttheraisins]

Loads of kids have two middle names.

It's lovely to have mixed heritage names and/or names that work well in two cultures.

However, what I find odd in our op is that your ex wants to choose the first name, the middle name AND the surname. A bit much don't you think. Just state a few options, let him have say, but you veto. If you are not together anymore your DD should have your surname in my opinion.

[Kewcumber]

I think the bullying is a red herring. But I would not give one child out of a family of 4 a different surname particularly if you are the resident parent - it's way easier having the same surname.

How about Nahla Elizabeth Hisname Brown?

[Kewcumber]

Not double barrelled just his name in the middle like the Spanish do with mothers surname father surname

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

Your surname for sure. Ive heard of where there's one kid with a different surname it can cause all sorts of problems, whether going on holiday and customs or just the child feeling different from siblings.

[Solasum]

My DS has Slightly unusual foreign name, English name, my surname, DP surname, no hyphen. I take him to appointments as DS My surname, his other grandparents use other name. Both on passport. No issues so far

[MamaLazarou]

My son and I have different surnames on our passports. I have travelled abroad alone with him, no questions asked.

[lozengeoflove]

Bit off topic here but I teach many Nigerian students, and most of them are known by an English name even thought that's not the name on the register.

FWIW I think that you should call your baby what you want to call her. Not only because you are going through pregnancy and birth on your own, but also because you will always be in her life, your ex might not!

[HopelesslydevotedtoGu]

If you are separated and likely to remain so, give her your surname. She will then have the same surname as everyone she lives with. Daft to consider giving her his surname just because that is what people did in the past. Plenty of unmarried mums give their children their surname.

I would try and reach a compromise on the first name, and chose a middle name each. Nalah is very pretty, do you both feel happy with the choice given that it is neither English nor Nigerian though?

If she will grow up in a rural English area speaking English as her first language and living primarily with her English relatives, then I would find it odd to give her a Nigerian first name tbh. Choosing an English name that would 'work' in Nigeria too makes more sense- there are lots of English names used in Nigeria, either as Christian names or nicknames. A traditional Nigerian middle name would be a good acknowledgement of that side of her heritage.

You are carrying this baby, delivering her and will do the lions share of caring for her as a newborn. He doesn't get to overrule you! A compromise is best, but if he won't compromise I would make a reasonable decision yourself and register her with that name.

[TwoMag314s]

Your choice!!!
He is your X

Howevrr lily and niamh are two ver white choices somehow. Niamh is irish. Lily has white hanging in the air after it. But you should choose. Most black people dont have african mames so your child will not feel robbbed of half her culture if she doesnt have an african name

[toastyarmadillo]

Definately use brown as the surname, it's a nightmare trying to travel with a child with a different surname. He's an ex for a very obvious reason.

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

Another vote for Nalah Elizabeth Atinuke Brown