Surnames

[jellybelly85]

My DP and I are expecting baby #1 in June. We're unmarried - that might change in the future - but I don't think either of us would change our surnames as a result. We're currently looking at different options to include both our surnames for baby.

I'm considering having one surname as a middle name and the other as a surname. But the question is which one do we put where?

There seems to be a convention of using dad's surname. Some argue it's more difficult for dads to convince others of their parental rights if they don't share the same surname (e.g. travelling, hospital appointments...etc). However the feminist in me thinks that's not a good enough reason to prioritise his name over mine!

We both have to spell our surnames out for people (neither are particularly common or apparently easy to spell). Mine has one syllable and his has 3. Double-barrelling would be quite a mouthful so not something we're considering...

Have any MNers been in a similar position and care to share their advice?

People will always assume which is why I would like all our family to have the same last name and the fact my last name can be used as a name made up my mind really

McFarland-Holmes is lovely. It does sound weird when you double barrel your name with someone else's-DP and I wrangled over surnames for years- but once we settled on the surname, it felt right. A nice thing about double barrelling us that it gives you a family identity. I am Ms Damerel, DP is Mr Lanyon, the children are the Lanyon-Damerels, and when we talk about ourselves as a unit, we are the Lanyon-Damerel family. It feels as though we all have an equal stake.

You don't have to double barrel it to use both surnames.

We're a two-mum family. Rather than double-barrel, we've gone for non hyphenated surnames - so our daughter is Firstname Middlename MYSURNAME DPSURNAME, to be known as Firstname DPSURNAME for everyday purposes.

That looks awfully complicated, call her Sarah Jane McFarland Holmes for your purposes, to be known as Sarah Holmes for "every day." But with the McFarland as the first surname, not a middle name. So at nursery, GP etc she's Sarah Holmes although her surname on her passport and birth certificate is McFarland Holmes.

Does that make sense?

We are married but don't share a surname. We both have two syllable names. Our baby is hisname-myname as it sounds best that way round. It's a bit clunky but I'm sure she will get used to it. I suspect his parents are not that keen but that is not my problem!

I live in Wales and have Welsh-speaking friends who don't give their children either parent's surname. Instead the kids have two names - the name they're known by and their father's first name (the patronymic system used to be the norm in Wales until well into the 19th century). Or one, or the boys, will have that and the others, or the girls, will each have an individual second name like a birth month name (Mai, Medi) or a place name or another first name. Especially as usually the wife hasn't changed her surname on marriage, it means the family all have different "last" names, but then the same is true of Icelandic families. As some of them have had to point out to immigration officers on the way back from holidays.

Some of these children are now grown up and in respectable jobs, and no-one seems to have a problem with it.

Made up example - Dr Anwen Mai, the daughter of Dai Jones and Bethan Williams... Or Gwyn Aled, their son.

I am married but didn't change my name. When it came to a surname for DS I agreed to give him my husbands name because (in no particular order):
A) it's nicer than mine
B) I am estranged from all of my family of origin so don't really want him to have a link to them.
C) my husband cared about it more than me.

It's no issue that I have a different surname to DS but I do get a little internal smile when people give him my surname by mistake. Perhaps because of B) above I like having a family member with the same name for a little while. If I had known I would feel this way then I might have pushed for him to have my name.

This is no help to you, sorry, but I guess I'm telling you to think about it thoroughly and imagine the two names in use. You might feel differently than you expect.

Oh, and DS doesn't have my name as a middle name. I ummed and ahhed on that one but I thought it might lead to confusion with people thinking it was meant to be double barrelled.

My dsis did that. Her DS ended up first name - our surname - dp surname
Not double barrelled, all separate names. Our surname does sound like a boys name though (similar to Williamson)

FWIW my grandma was Scottish and following tradition, had her mother's maiden name as a middle name. Which was Desmond :)

Thanks for your suggestions, everyone. A few new ideas to think about.

Laura Mipsum I hadn't thought about 2 surnames, definitely an option to think about!

Jasper I do like the idea of having a name which brings us all together as a family.

Magpie I'm very keen to include both names somehow - just think we don't have a good reason to leave one out (plus might make it easier to deal with any queries if a parent is travelling with baby/child alone but they don't share the same surname).

I understand your thinking but I have flown with my son and nobody batted an eyelid. I think, these days, it's very common for one parent to have a different name from their child.

If I could go back I would give DS mine as a middle name and just correct people who think it's double barrelled.

I think McFarland-Holmes works perfectly. It flows nicely. Slme surnames really don't work together (mine and XHs were both one syllable and actual words for example.)

I don think you need worry about syllables particularly. Alexandra McFarland-Holmes seems to flow nicely and has lots of syllables - it probably depends more on the stresses in the name and the sounds.

The registrar made our minds up

Said fathers name always last.

We went for the hyphenated version because otherwise I feared much confusion over filing of hospital notes, confusion over whether the first surname was a middle name or a surname etc.

Scoop: Did the registrar believe that to be a 'rule ' or were they repeating what they generally saw as a custom?
In any case they were wrong!
'Father's name last' sounds suspiciously like 'the last name is the real surname' to me!
Surely people do it the way it sounds best? We did and my name is last.

Sexist registrar would not be naming my children.

Some argue it's more difficult for dads to convince others of their parental rights if they don't share the same surname

Yes, well women are such dirty, lying slappers that you do need to be careful about their claims of paternity 😂

I love the two non-double barrelled solution suggested above. Seems like the Spanish system.

Blu

We aren't married and I wanted dd to have both of our surnames names which we decided to hyphenate.

She only has one Christian name as both surnames are quite long. They actually sounded better with fathers name last. Dp for some reason thought the double barrel sounded better with his name first. I asked the registrar what would be 'correct' as I had a strong feeling she would say fathers name last.

It worked

Dd name sounds far better this way.

Scoop: oh I seeee. That was definitely you choosing , then. [Grin]

DP had a sudden temporary onset of patriarchal naming panic (driven by his parents) and wanted to reverse our plan to use HisName-MyName. My priority was the flow, rhythm and scan of the name. How it sounded. One way it sounded great, but especially with the first name, to put DP name last sounded like a tongue twister.

I said that I was surprised he wanted his name last as if it went first DC would always be in filing systems under his name...

This made him re-consider immediately.

(His mother still leaves my surname off DC's name, though. But she would use DP's name alone whatever we did )

our names sounds like Holmes and McFarland. So would be Holmes-McFarland or McFarland-Holmes. Just seems like a lot of letters and syllables for a surname to me. What do you think?

The names sound good together, it's only 4 syllables nothing cumbersome about it at all. You're just not used to hearing them as a combo. I think either way works but perhaps McFarland-Holmes sounds marginally better.

Definitely use both surnames, either hyphenated or not.

'Patriarchal naming panic'

We are married but neither of us changed our names. Baby is being double barrelled (no hyphen) even though it is a bit of a mouthful. As our child grows up, I'm sure they'll naturally start using one or the other, which is fine. Legally and officially we both wanted baby to have both names though.

Thanks everyone. I think we've decided to go for two surnames on official paperwork (order to be determined by what sounds best with first name, and not double-barrelled) and will use one surname for every day.

Now, just the first name/s to decide... !

Thanks for updating!

That sounds like a good plan :)

Us som tried and tested methods..

Toss a coin. Heads is yours first, tails is his.
Alphabetical?

Can you make a word or name from initials?

Eg Daniel Anderson nightford would give dan.

Or even use some...

Sticky e button.

Something I often ponder, when reading these threads where lots of people say neither parent wants to 'give up' their surname and they want the child(ren) to have both, is how the next generation will cope.

So, if you and your partner name your child Jayden Taylor Davis, and he meets Lily-Mae Williamson Green, does their future child then have to become Bailey Taylor Davis Williamson Green, or will our dc all go back to the idea of a family taking one name together ?