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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Sensitive subject...thoughts?

42 replies

Buchanon08 · 14/09/2013 18:46

Have found myself in a tricky situation...after months of trying to find a name for dc3 we finally found one we agreed on! Is of similar origin to our other dcs names, is unusual but not unheard of, great nn etc...were very relieved as not got long to go. Then-it occurred to me that while a very different name, it has the same prefix as a friend's child, who died. Don't want to out myself by saying exact names but for example 'Christian' and 'Christopher'. I plan to speak to friend about this but not sure what angle to take. I don't want to upset her but not sure if I can agree to not use it. Or should I not use it if she feels very strongly?

OP posts:

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CruCru · 14/09/2013 19:38

Honestly? If it only has the same prefix then I would use it. However, if it is a variant of the same name (e.g. Isobel, Isobelle, Isabelle, Isabella) then I wouldn't.

Chottie · 14/09/2013 19:39

Agree with CruCru

mrspaddy · 14/09/2013 19:40

Maybe by mentioning it, it could make more of an issue of it.

Hard call but ask a mutual friend who is very honest perhaps.

Lizzylou · 14/09/2013 19:43

Umm. It's tricky. The child that died, were they known by the prefix, so, for instance Ben, but full name Benjamin and you name your child Benedict.....which invariably will end up Ben, if they weren't then not so bad.

ChazzerChaser · 14/09/2013 19:45

I'd speak to her and not use it if it would upset her. Surely that's more important than a name?

Original poster

Buchanon08 · 14/09/2013 20:31

Thank you all for your input. Obviously the friendship is more important than the name. I suppose I was hoping to gauge her likely reaction before mentioning it. The name is similar in prefix only and the child vehemently wasn't known by it so am hoping it won't be an issue. I can't tell if I'm over thinking it but then clearly it's a subject she is going to be sensitive over...

OP posts:

ChazzerChaser · 14/09/2013 21:08

I don't think you're overthinking. I think she'd appreciate that her son is on your mind.

everlong · 14/09/2013 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aturtlenamedmack · 14/09/2013 21:13

I agree with chazzer I think she would appreciate you caring enough q discuss it with her.
Saying that, you know your relationship with her best, so you are best to judge how she will feel if the subject is broached.

Saffyz · 14/09/2013 23:07

I'd speak to her and not use it if it would upset her.

The problems is that even if it upsets her, she might not feel able to tell you so.

Retrofairy · 14/09/2013 23:17

If youre in doubt don't use it. Its just not worth having any anxiety or potential bad feeling around your new arrival. there is no one perfect name. I also think the PP is completely right and she will probably not tell you even if she was bothered. my sister lost a baby and I would not pick a name that even began with the same letter. Its a situation In which its always better to be over sensitive.

Viviennemary · 14/09/2013 23:25

I don't think I would mention it. And I'd try and find another name. It would be by far the best thing to do IMHO.

elcranko · 15/09/2013 00:28

I would try to find another name tbh. It's not worth upsetting your friend over.

looki · 15/09/2013 01:20

I wouldn't ask your friend to decide whether its appropriate or not. Its putting her in an impossible situation. I would use a different name.

ZingWantsCake · 15/09/2013 01:31

to be honest whatever name you choose people will have an association.

a friend's adult DD died a few years ago- same first name as me.
another friend name their baby the same name as our DS5 (hers born 7 months later) but their little boy died when he was 3 months old.

I have other examples too. you can't help it.

DSIL chose a name for one of their kids that we liked before we had a chance to use it and our eldest niece has my favourite girl's name - both kids with same surname as us, so tough luck, couldn't use either as a first name!

it's lovely of you to think of your friend, but it is your child so if you want that name choose it, but if you are not comfortable then opt for something else.

think it through - if your friend said "no, please don't use that name" how would you truly feel? would you mind not using it?

everlong · 15/09/2013 06:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZingWantsCake · 15/09/2013 09:41

you can't help meeting people who will have the same name as the child you lost.

unless it is a very rare name.

I had a miscarriage and we called the baby Yasmin.
every time I hear that name I feel like I'm kicked in the gut, but then it feels strangely reassuring also, like she is around.

I don't own that name and if a close friend or even my own sister wanted to use that name I'd be ok with it.
amd even if I wasn't and they used it anyway it would be nothing to do with the baby we lost and there would be nothing I could do about it

and the OP is not planning to choose the same name anyway, only something similar.

ZingWantsCake · 15/09/2013 09:53

and I never said she should be in a position when she is asked about her opinion, because I wouldn't ask.

as I said it is a sweet thought to care for the friend's feelings and wanting to discuss it, but it should be OP and her Dh's decision and not based on whether friend gives permission or not.

I'm not advocating either choice. I get why she feels it is a sensitive issue.

maybe the best option is to use the name as a middle name

everlong · 15/09/2013 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZingWantsCake · 15/09/2013 10:17

everlong

do you read posts all the way?
I stated my opinions but you seemingly ignore everything but what you have a problem with.
It's boring to try to explain anything to anyone that they won't listen to.

good luck with whatever you choose to do, there are different suggestions here.
also good luck with the birth.

everlong · 15/09/2013 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoNickedMyName · 15/09/2013 10:48

Choose the name or don't, but don't put that decision onto your friend.

Personally I think you're over thinking this, but even if your friend thought you were over thinking and didn't mind you using the name, by asking her permission, you are linking the name with her dead child, even if the name is different, iyswim?

tsw · 15/09/2013 12:05

Having lost a child, I agree about not approaching your friend. Every time I see my son's name or anything relating to it I cry. It's a horrible reminder that other people with that name were lucky & my son wasn't.

If I was asked, I would probably be so shocked that my friend was still eager to use something that will remind me of that that it would take me a while to reply. It isn't even just the name. I cried whenever I saw someone pregnant or with a new baby so naming a new baby something similar will really hit her where it hurts I'm afraid.

ZingWantsCake · 15/09/2013 12:12

tsw so sorry to hear

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 15/09/2013 12:15

I think it would be kind if you chose another name.

It may not occur to her that the names are related but it has occurred to you and it would always be an association every time you mention your DC in front of her.

It also would be putting her in an awkward and upsetting position if you asked.

There are millions of names but there are few good friends.

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