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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Sensitive subject...thoughts?

42 replies

Buchanon08 · 14/09/2013 18:46

Have found myself in a tricky situation...after months of trying to find a name for dc3 we finally found one we agreed on! Is of similar origin to our other dcs names, is unusual but not unheard of, great nn etc...were very relieved as not got long to go. Then-it occurred to me that while a very different name, it has the same prefix as a friend's child, who died. Don't want to out myself by saying exact names but for example 'Christian' and 'Christopher'. I plan to speak to friend about this but not sure what angle to take. I don't want to upset her but not sure if I can agree to not use it. Or should I not use it if she feels very strongly?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

everlong · 15/09/2013 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZingWantsCake · 15/09/2013 12:33

tondelayo

good post

everlong so sorry to hear about your loss

fuzzpig · 15/09/2013 14:02

I think if it's anything like Christopher and Christian it isn't really that similar, they are different names.

However, I think I just wouldn't use it. There are thousands of names and it's just not worth potentially hurting a friend - and even if it doesn't occur to her you will still possibly be worrying about it for years to come. You will surely find something else you both like :)

fuzzpig · 15/09/2013 14:03

I also agree you should not mention it to her. Just cross the name off the list and move on, knowing you've done the kindest thing.

dramajustfollowsme · 15/09/2013 14:15

I had a little boy who was stillborn at 26 weeks. We had a funeral and it was common knowledge what hid name was.
A few months later, the day that I had been due to start maternity leave. A colleague had a baby boy and gave him the same name.
I have to say it hurt a lot, for many reasons. Not helped by other insensitive gits at work saying that I should be happy for her, it isn't an unusual name, my baby didn't really count...
I was extremely upset for a few weeks but eventually I don't now, associate the two together.
I think I would have been ok with just the same prefix though.
Thank you op for considering your friend 's feelings. I wish you lots of luck with your bundle of joy.

fuzzpig · 15/09/2013 14:59

Your baby didn't really count?! What the actual fuck! That is disgusting. So sorry somebody said that.

mootime · 15/09/2013 19:57

As someone who lost a baby and was very upset by someone else using his name a year later, I really don't think that you are over thinking it. Do talk to your friend, but obviously be aware that she may get upset. I really struggle hearing our sons name, and still haven't been able to meet the child in the family that was given the same name a year later. On the other hand she may be fine with it, especially if it is similar and bit the same. Hope that helps!

PrincessFlirtyPants · 15/09/2013 20:12

drama that is just awful. I'm so sorry someone said that, how thoughtless.

My aunt had a baby boy who was born with a condition that was incompatible with life and he died within a few hours. My father (her brother) asked if he could use the same name to remember his uncle who had passed away (also had the same name, very popular in our family) when my brother was born, she said it was ok.

I suppose it depends on how you think your friend would take it, if you thought it would upset her then I don't think I could use a name that would stir up those feelings for a friend. I wouldn't want to feel that I had made her grief any more painful that it already is.

If you think she wouldn't make the association then it's probably not worth bringing it to her attention or you risk her making the association.

Original poster

Buchanon08 · 15/09/2013 20:55

Really appreciate all your thoughts, particularly those of you who have suffered losses, it has been very insightful. I think we'll go back to the drawing board for now and hope we find another name we love as much! Dh doesn't really understand as he thinks the link is so tenuous but I think we should make the effort to avoid any upset. Thanks again, xx

OP posts:

PrincessFlirtyPants · 15/09/2013 20:57

I think you are doing the right thing, OP.

everlong · 15/09/2013 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRunawayTrain · 15/09/2013 23:46

I think you are doing the right thing. I don't know how I'd feel if someone used the name/prefix of DS1 but it would be a hard position.

WeAreSeven · 15/09/2013 23:57

I think you are doing the right thing. My dd's name was unusual in these parts and I dread meeting another child with her name but never have yet. Our original choice for a girl was much more common and my SIL inadvertently "stole" it for her dd for her dd three years before we had ours. I'm glad now that she did because I would have encountered lots of them and would have found it difficult to cope with.
I suspect that my cousin may have wanted to use dd's middle name as her own dd's middle name. Her dd was born a year later. But she chose a different middle name and I'm very grateful to her.

mootime · 16/09/2013 12:45

I also think you are doing the right thing. Xx

nilbyname · 16/09/2013 12:50

Just wanted to add that I thought ever long had it right, and op I am pleased you are going to go back to the drawing board with the name.

MERLYPUSS · 16/09/2013 20:16

My nephew was killed when I found I was expecting my twins. I aksed sis if I could use his name as a middle name for one of mine (regardless of sex). She said she would be pleased as it meant he would be 'kept alive' (her words) in another generation, kind of. Her son was mid 20's.

Michellephant · 19/09/2013 19:28

If the link is tenuous like your OH says then maybe you are overthinking it?

My 1st baby was born asleep and I called her Poppy. My ears prick up any time I hear the name. I'd be a bit confused if a friend wanted to name their baby something too similar, not necessarily upset. I mean, you clearly think of your friend's dead child when you think of that name so does that not put you off anyway?

I'm pregnant with a 2nd girl now and I definitely don't want a P name or a name that sounds too similar to Poppy's name in some way.

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