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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

ADVICE ON THE SURNAME...

36 replies

FirstTimeMumma · 13/08/2012 19:31

Hi all.

Im 34+5 and haven't been with babies daddy since the beginning, although he has been to scans but that's about it. He very rarely asks anything about the pregnancy, and has had fun enjoying his life to the full every weekend while i'm going through all this on my own. He even went a "lads" holiday for a fortnight in June. I hate to constantly moan about him as he is no longer anything to do with me therefore i cannot dictate how he lives his life but i can't help it! This was an unplanned pregnancy( as you can probably tell ) , and i have huge trust issues with him and his family.

Problem is, i really don't feel comfortable with the baby having his families name. After all, she will be living with me and i don't feel like he has earned it? Am i being silly? His second name is Higgins, and mine is Hamilton.. So i was thinking about having Higgins-Hamilton?

I hate confrontation, and his family are known for being very confrontational and i see them causing me a lot of problems in the future. To be fair, i have said from the beginning that she can have his second name, so i now feel as though i can't go back on this but it really does upset me as i have gave up everything for my daughter and he hasn't gave up a thing.

What do you all think i should do?

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TerracottaPie · 13/08/2012 19:35

I would give the baby your surname only.

No matter what his family may be like or what you may have said before now.

effingwotsits · 13/08/2012 19:44

I wouldn't give the baby daddy's last name.

I had my mothers name as was only natural as she was the one bringing me up.

Original poster

FirstTimeMumma · 13/08/2012 19:46

Thankyou Terracotta. How would you go about doing this, should i wait till baby is here to bring it up again? I just don't see the point in her having his name if we are not together.

OP posts:

Beamur · 13/08/2012 19:49

Will he be coming with you to register the name?

I'm not married to DD's father but she does have his surname, but if we had been in a relationship like yours, then I would have probably simply registered her with my surname.

VolAuVent · 13/08/2012 19:52

Just use your own surname.

Original poster

FirstTimeMumma · 13/08/2012 19:59

apologies Effingwotsits didn't see your post.

I assume he will be coming to register the birth, he has said the full way through he wants to be involved and i have given him oppertunity to do so, but DD isn't here yet so don't know how things will pan out when she arrives... I know this will cause a huge argument but it's what i really want as i will be doing most of the work even if he is involved. Thankyou Beamur Effingwotsits and VolAuVent for your advice!!

OP posts:

LittleWhiteWolf · 13/08/2012 19:59

I wouldn't even mention it. If he does, just say "she will be having my name."

LittleWhiteWolf · 13/08/2012 20:00

If you are not married (I'm guessing you are not) I think he will have to come along to your DDs registration in order to be named on the birth certificate.

Beamur · 13/08/2012 20:03

I do find it a bit odd sometimes when I have to give both of our names and they are different. My reasoning for our choice was more about the children (DD has half brothers/sisters) having the same name so they would feel more like a family.
Could you offer him the choice of middle name, or even use his surname as a middle name?

McPhee · 13/08/2012 20:05

My Dd has my surname.

I don't live with her dad, so it seemed logical. Especially as I'm the one that will be dealing with official things. I also wanted her to 'belong' IUKWIM.

Thankfully Dp understood my reasoning, and I've told that if if one day he makes a commitment to me, we can talk about changing it.

Eggward · 13/08/2012 20:07

Give her your surname. You can add his later if you want, but he can stop you changing it from his if you start out like that.

TerracottaPie · 13/08/2012 20:10

I would go with the don't mention it until he does too.

Although maybe mention it before going in to see the Registrar if he is coming to register the birth with you?

Maybe something along the lines of 'Well as we aren't married and aren't in a relationship I feel it is important for DD to have my surname. That doesn't change me wanting you to have as much involvement as possible though.'

Is he going be at the birth?

Congratulations btw! Won't be long for you now :)

ekupeg · 13/08/2012 20:13

You surname only

catsrus · 13/08/2012 20:21

your name and don't let him come with you to register the birth, just go along one day and do it! They don't have to have the father's name even if you're married so why should they have his when he is not interested? Keep it simple, you will be caring for the child, it should have your name... I don't know anyone who regretted giving a child their surname but I know quite a few who regretted giving them their waste of space biological father's

Original poster

FirstTimeMumma · 13/08/2012 20:31

No we are not married. I am still considering having his name as a middle name as i don't want to seem completely horrible to him or his family. We have had 4d scans of the baby and when they asked which name we would like on the scan picture i said Higgins, so it says 'baby higgins' on the corner in them, i really regret this decision. Im naming my daughter Amelia Grace, would Amelia Grace Higgins Hamilton be too much?

McPhee i totally agree, she will be living with me, i will be taking her on holiday, signing all official paper work etc. I have also heard that if your child has a different name to you when you go on holiday it can cause problems in the airport because of the passport differences? Not sure though.

Terracotta i agree completely. I think i'm going to have to speak to him before she arrives, to make it clear of my wishes.. I do want him to be involved, as i want my baby to know her daddy but i don't understand why he should have the second name. IMO there is no point whatsoever if she i am the one bringing her up! As for the birth, he was supposed to in the beginning along with my mother, but after considering this i have came to realize that he will cause more stress than i need, especially in labour, and i know for a fact i even looking at him will annoy me especially in that sort of environment. So i'm having my mother only as my birthing partner, she's been through it before after all and has been my support along with my father throughout.

Thanks everyone for your advice, can always rely on MN! Feeling much better now and think i'm going to have to man up and tell him what's happening and take his family as they come at me with there insults!

OP posts:

mumofjust1 · 13/08/2012 20:33

Hamilton only.

No question about it. He hasn't earned the right to give your little one his surname going by what you've said here.

Baby should have your surname without a doubt.

Original poster

FirstTimeMumma · 13/08/2012 20:35

Thanks castrus! To be fair, he hasn't been the worst as i have seen other fathers not be involved at all and also seen legal battles which turn out horrible. ( I'm a nursery nurse ) I just think he is very naive and young minded, he has no clue about what is about to happen! Although he has definitely been a knob

OP posts:

Original poster

FirstTimeMumma · 13/08/2012 20:39

Thanks mumofjust1 i completely agree!

OP posts:

McPhee · 13/08/2012 21:49

It might be an idea to not put your whole name on here, you never know who's reading

TerracottaPie · 13/08/2012 21:57

Agree with McPhee maybe ask MNHQ to edit out the names?

Also your surname is the nicer of the two ;-)

babyblabber · 14/08/2012 12:23

It's worth the fight, give her your name but do tell him beforehand. You can use Higgins as a second middle name.

Ephiny · 14/08/2012 14:11

Why would you even consider giving her his name in these circumstances? It's your choice either way, do not be pushed into anything by him or his family.

Your name is much nicer btw, and goes beautifully with the first/middle names you've chosen.

MoonHare · 14/08/2012 17:15

Be very careful.

Give baby your surname only. To include his is likely to cause more problems in the long term than it solves in the short term.

Do not tell him when you are going to register the birth. If he is there too you will feel only under pressure to add his name in somewhere.

Don't feel guilty about this, fast forward 18 years - do you think he'll be in the picture by then? From your description of the current situation it seems unlikely.

You have to do the best thing for you and your daughter's future.

Good luck and best wishes. Stay strong.

ThePieWhoLovedMe · 15/08/2012 21:13

DO NOT GIVE YOUR CHILD HIS NAME !!

mumzy · 15/08/2012 21:57

There is no legal problem with her having only your surname. My friend has a beautiful unusual surname and her do has a bog standard surnameso both their dds have her surname even though they've been together for 25 years

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