ADVICE ON THE SURNAME...

[FirstTimeMumma]

Hi all.

Im 34+5 and haven't been with babies daddy since the beginning, although he has been to scans but that's about it. He very rarely asks anything about the pregnancy, and has had fun enjoying his life to the full every weekend while i'm going through all this on my own. He even went a "lads" holiday for a fortnight in June. I hate to constantly moan about him as he is no longer anything to do with me therefore i cannot dictate how he lives his life but i can't help it! This was an unplanned pregnancy( as you can probably tell ) , and i have huge trust issues with him and his family.

Problem is, i really don't feel comfortable with the baby having his families name. After all, she will be living with me and i don't feel like he has earned it? Am i being silly? His second name is Higgins, and mine is Hamilton.. So i was thinking about having Higgins-Hamilton?

I hate confrontation, and his family are known for being very confrontational and i see them causing me a lot of problems in the future. To be fair, i have said from the beginning that she can have his second name, so i now feel as though i can't go back on this but it really does upset me as i have gave up everything for my daughter and he hasn't gave up a thing.

What do you all think i should do?

"her dp"

you should know (although you may already) that if he goes with you to register the birth, he will acquire equal parental rights and responsibilities. Either way, you can give your child your surname only.

Thanks everyone! You've helped make my decision much easier for when DD arrives. Appreciate all the replies!

Definitely yours only and just do it.....

Use your name. And think VERY carefully before you take him with you to register the birth. Being named will give him parental responsibility which has all sorts of legal implications. I'd get advice about that iiwy

Your surname and yours only.

Sod his confrontational family, once you have your child you will find whole new depths of kick ass strength. I never fail to be baffled by fathers who show no interest in the pregnancy or the child but are adamant that their surname will be the baby's surname. It's purely about ego.

Give Baby your name. You've earned it, I imagine you'll be 99% responsible for her care. Hamilton is a much nicer surname.

MammaT

Gook luck! I hope you manage the minefield ok.

My friend had "sex with his ex" and got her pregnant. He has always been a caring and involved parent who has managed to keep a good relationship with his ex. She chose the first name and her surname. He picked the middle name. Although this is not a name of equal importance, the middle name is an opportunity to use a name with a strong family connection, or a "statement" name, and you could offer this compromise to him if you wanted to.

Give your daughter your name only. I was brought up by my mother, and she gave me my father's surname (different times..). I changed it back once I was old enough. Save your child the bother!

If he cannot be a responsible parent, it seems entirely reasonable for you to forgo the presence of his surname in your lives.

What a pity that your daughter will not have a loving father in her life. What's done is done. It's easily possible that one day that you might meet a decent man who will love your daughter as the biological father should have done but he would need to be the best of men and not a 'fly by night' or it will confuse her further.

You and your daughter can still have a great future without this man or any man. Forget being intimidated by his family, they are probably part of the problem of why he is the way he is. Concentrate now on making a secure life for her and ensuring that you are eventually financially independent, meaning that getting childcare organised and finding a good job should be a prime goal if you don't already have one. Please don't give her a life where you just live on welfare whether that be housing, benefits or anything else. Fine if you are finding your feet for a year or two but in the long run you will need to demonstrate to your daughter that you have great strength and that you can stand on your own two feet. She may want to see him when she is older and you may have to watch her being confused by his antics; if you refuse to let him see her, she may rebel so however hard it will be all you can do is explain what the situation was like and let her decide for herself. Chances are she will draw the same conclusion that you have in the end.

Hamilton sounds far preferable to the other alternative. Good luck with it.