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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Surname for baby...getting stressed.

44 replies

Emmiedarling · 14/07/2012 22:13

I am 27 weeks with my first. I'm not with the father, nor do I have the intention of ever being. He is interested in 'helping out' as a father but at the moment I barely see him (doesn't come to scans etc)

He is adamant that the baby, a boy, should have his surname. I'm adamant that there is no reason that should be the case (we're not married, and I will be raising the child) However I do think that the baby should have both surnames. And if sounds better with his, then mine.

Father is not happy about this and wants his to be the last one so that he can handily 'drop' mine.

What's making me more angry is that my mother agrees with him saying that the child always takes the fathers name.

Am I the one in the wrong? I just want to have the same name as my son.

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Original poster

Emmiedarling · 14/07/2012 22:14

Ps. Can I just mention that I was not ever in a long term relationship with this guy. No idea why I think that's relevant - baby is still half him!

OP posts:

Plaguegroup · 14/07/2012 22:16

My DC have my surname, even though DP and I have been in a committed relationship since long before they were born and he is an involved and loving dad.

I think, in your circumstances, it would be very odd to give him any surname but your own.

bessyboop · 14/07/2012 22:18

Same as Plague. My 3 DD have my surname, DP had no problem with this... You should do what you feel is right x

DharmaBumpkin · 14/07/2012 22:19

In your circumstances I would absolutely use my own surname, and I say that as a Mrs DH's surname... Had we not been married, any & all kids would have taken my surname, end of story.

Which is probably one of the primary reasons DH proposed

CharlotteLucas · 14/07/2012 22:22

Give the baby your surname, Emmie - in the circumstances, I can't think of a single good reason not to, particularly as the father seems far more interested in 'stamping' the baby with his name than in the actual developing baby. My new baby has both my and my husband's surnames.

Congratulations!

NellyBluth · 14/07/2012 22:24

I'm not married yet my DD has my DP's surname - but in your situation i would DEFINITELY be giving your baby your surname. I think its very decent of you to consider putting the father's name in there, given he is only interested in 'helping out'.

In the spirit of including the father, as you have said, I would have Firstname Middlename Hissurname Yoursurname (with DC known daily as Firstname Yoursurname). If the father than becomes more involved than you suggest he will be, there is then the option of your DC starting to use their father's name and becoming Firstname Hissurname Yoursurname.

Greybitch · 14/07/2012 22:24

My dd has my name. I knew that there would be no relationship, but I wasn't sure about how involved he would be. I'm glad that I gave her my surname as he hasn't been at all involved and she doesn't know who he is. His surname could always be a second middle name. Your should definitely be the primary surname, though.

sparkles281 · 14/07/2012 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustAnotherLlama · 14/07/2012 22:32

emmie It's important to think about how having a different surname can make things slightly more challenging for you.

A lady I knew had real issues taking her DS away as he had his father's surname on his passport. They were no longer together and the father made things awkward.

Keep in mind, he may not be as involved as you'd like and the child may not know him so a name connection could be meaningless and confusing when little.

Yama · 14/07/2012 22:33

Your name, your name and thrice your name.

Please do not listen to your mother - she is from a different era.

Fast forward to the future. Who is going to be the one constant in your child's life?

Original poster

Emmiedarling · 14/07/2012 22:38

Oh I'm so relieved by what you're all saying. So worried I was just being too demanding!

OP posts:

JustAnotherLlama · 14/07/2012 22:43

emmie You've said you don't ever see yourself being together and that he's not been overly involved so far, to me that means he has no right to claim the child should have his name! This is your child, you're carrying it, you will be the one that's always there, it should have your name. That is not demanding at all, it's sensible.

savoycabbage · 14/07/2012 22:47

I agree with everyone else. You should give your baby your surname in these circumstances.

Firstly for emotional reasons. He is your baby and you are his mammy and he and you are a family.

Secondly for practical reasons. Travel can be awkward like somebody said. In 15 years time you might not be able to take your son to New York (random example) because some bloke won't write you a letter giving you permission.

You are going to be explaining that you are his mother all the time. People in the doctors and the school are going to call you Miss Babyname as they will think its your name. I kept my maiden name when I got married for years and tht happened to me.

Many, many fathers fade out of their dc's lives as they get older. Even those that were married. Your ds could be left with a surname that means nothing to him whereas he could share a name with the person he is going to love more than anyone in the world.

savoycabbage · 14/07/2012 22:49

PS your mother is talking PANTS!

Don't do it!

cbmum · 14/07/2012 22:52

Another vote for your surname both on a personal and professional level! Also, remember if you're note certain of a first name when baby is born it will be called 'baby yoursurname' on any paperwork!

monsterchild · 14/07/2012 22:53

Absolutely baby should have your surname. It's madness to say Dad's name needs to be anywhere on there. the only reason the dad surname is there is to let you know who the dad is, because we all know who mothers are, but "it's a wise child that knows it father."

the dad just wants a little piece of immortality without the cost of raising a kid. I think it's hard for kids to not have the same name as their main parent, which is the primary reason I changed my name when I married. DP's name and mine together sounded like a disease, and was waaaaay to long. I did try to combine them, but the results, while funny, were not acceptable!

Your DM needs to untwist her panties, and be happy her dgc will have her name too!

AThingInYourLife · 14/07/2012 22:55

You would be crazy to give your baby this man's surname.

"baby is still half him!"

Bullshit.

The baby is entirely its own self.

Your body has made this baby with a tiny bit of help from this guy, and you will be raising the baby alone.

There's no reason to glorify his contribution to this. He's basically a sperm donor that you know.

Maybe he'll turn out to be a decent dad. But maybe he won't turn out to be any kind of father at all.

Your child deserves to share the surname of the only parent its certain to have.

kickingKcurlyC · 14/07/2012 23:20

Your name. It'd just be too awkward to have a different name to your baby.
Maybe if you were planning to get married to the father, it'd make sense, but here for you it wouldn't make sense at all!

steppemum · 14/07/2012 23:25

please do not feel pressured to use his name. It would be different if you were together, but he is only vaguely involved.

You and your dc will be the family unit and need to have same name. (I have dh's name, as do our kids, so I am pretty conventional, but cannot imagine in your circumstances using the father's name0

Ham69 · 14/07/2012 23:26

Please, your surname. Stay strong.

sashh · 15/07/2012 03:11

Another vote for your surname.

WhyMeWhyNot · 15/07/2012 03:26

Baby automatically has your surname on all paperwork, notes, wrist-bands etc. whilst in hospital after birth so why alter it later. Much more straightforward to just leave as it is.

Is the father going to be named on the birth certificate? Would he be happy with just that?

Badgerina · 15/07/2012 06:25

In your circumstances I would never EVER in a million years give my child the father's name. NEVER.

Morally, ethically and philosophically the child NEEDS to have your surname.

You could give him/her the "father's" surname as a middle name if you felt especially kind or generous, but you're under no obligation, and nor should you feel pressured by him and certainly not your own mother.

My child has his father's surname, with mine as a middle name. We are no longer together and I have married (and opted to take my husband's surname) DS is 7, loves his dad (and step-dad), and is counting the days until he can add my married name as his surname (by deed poll)

saffronwblue · 15/07/2012 06:28

Put the father on the birth certificate and give the baby your surname.

Leftwingharpie · 15/07/2012 06:39

Absolutely 100% your surname. Don't even consider using his. Ignore your mother, she is, as someone upthread said, from another era. If you regret it, or change your mind in the future, it will be the simplest thing to change to the father's name. Not so the other way.

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