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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Surname for baby...getting stressed.

44 replies

Emmiedarling · 14/07/2012 22:13

I am 27 weeks with my first. I'm not with the father, nor do I have the intention of ever being. He is interested in 'helping out' as a father but at the moment I barely see him (doesn't come to scans etc)

He is adamant that the baby, a boy, should have his surname. I'm adamant that there is no reason that should be the case (we're not married, and I will be raising the child) However I do think that the baby should have both surnames. And if sounds better with his, then mine.

Father is not happy about this and wants his to be the last one so that he can handily 'drop' mine.

What's making me more angry is that my mother agrees with him saying that the child always takes the fathers name.

Am I the one in the wrong? I just want to have the same name as my son.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

CailinDana · 15/07/2012 06:50

I agree with everyone else. The child having a different surname will cause very annoying hassle for you at various points in the child's life. Apart from that, he is your child as much as the man's and as you are the one doing the hard work it makes sense that you give him your name.

If they mention the name thing, nod and smile, then do what you want when the time comes. This is one of many things that people will stick their beak in about and you don't need to listen to one word of it.

cbmum · 15/07/2012 06:58

Please be aware that by adding his name to your baby's birth certificate he will automatically have Parental Responsibility. Maybe he will be involved and be a great father or perhaps he will be a fool and use PR as a way to cause problems later on.

You can agree to PR by signing an agreement and sending it to the Court at any time. Why not say yes he can have PR when he has shown he is committed and wants to be involved? Make sure you are aware of the legal issues involved too.

Pickles77 · 15/07/2012 07:01

Hi,
I am in the same predicament as you. Im trying so very hard not to be a cow but my baby will take my name or our family name won't be continued
Just an idea- is that the same in your family. It could make him back down slightly.

Also it's your baby too! Don't let them push you Into something!

Beamae · 15/07/2012 07:05

Definitely your own surname. A friend of mine has a different surname to her children and it causes no end of bother with travel or official stuff.

AThingInYourLife · 15/07/2012 07:39

You should also be mindful of what an utter twat this issue is showing him up to be.

He is barely involved with the pregnancy, but thinks he gets insisting rights on anything?

A decent man, one who would make a good father, would not even consider asking that the child have a different surname from his primary carer.

This man is a childish, selfish bully.

I'd be pulling way back from him before he starts with any more unreasonable demands.

(hint: he has no rights regarding being present at the birth or in the hospital. None. Just like he has no say in the baby's name.)

Mama1980 · 15/07/2012 07:49

Another vote here for your surname definitely. Both children have mine, incidentally I wouldn't change my name if I married my partner either and he is fine with that.

BabyStone · 15/07/2012 10:36

Hey Emmie, I agree with most people. The baby should have your surname. I have my mums surname (my parents were still together until I was very little and never married). Actually my dads family ended up bringing me up and not once did my surname cause any problems, its just not a big deal as some people make out!
If you were with the father then sure, give the baby either/both names but it doesnt make sense in this scenario

DizzyCow63 · 15/07/2012 10:41

Definitely another vote for your surname. DS was given DFiance's surname as we knew we were planning to marry as soon as we could be bothered to arrange it and have now done so. It is so much easier having the same surname as my son now.

Original poster

Emmiedarling · 15/07/2012 10:58

Thank you so much everyone, I shall stand firm!!! :-)

OP posts:

edam · 15/07/2012 11:01

Leave the bastard! Oh, you already have... (sorry couldn't resist MN stereotype)

Seriously, glad you are standing firm. You are the one carrying the baby and giving birth and doing all the hard work now and in the future. You will be the one registering him, taking him to the health visitor, later on taking him to nursery/pre-school/school - makes far more sense for you to have the same name as your baby.

luanmahi · 15/07/2012 11:06

The traditional way of naming children always was to give the child the mother's name so he/she would only have the father's name if the parents were married. (I imagine this was to encourage men to marry women they got up the duff and make "honest" women of them). In this day and age obviously that convention is outdated but if he's not about much, you could always use that argument.

emdelafield · 15/07/2012 11:10

Just to answer your mother- babies do not always take father's surname .

DH and I have been married for yonks. Both boys have my name because we preferred it. They both have middle names from DH's side of the family.

In over 20 years it has never been an issue.
You should do what you like.

Good luck with everything .

CrazyRandomHappenstance · 15/07/2012 11:17

Both My DDs have my name it was something DP and i agreed on before we had children, we are getting married next year but i'm keeping my name. its my name and i don't want to give it up.

maples · 15/07/2012 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chunkychicken · 15/07/2012 22:50

As a teacher, I would say definitely, definitely use your name, as it will be do much nicer for you to get referred to as Mrs "EmmieDarling's son's surname" than Mrs X by those teacher's who cannot be arsed to check the database for the correct info whenever you have communication with the school. My DH's mum re-married and had a different surname to DH but always got called Mrs "DH's surname".

And on a more personal issue, it should be yours. He may be the biological father but until he proves he's involved and a dad to your DC, you are the sole parent and life is easier if you both have the same name, for reasons stated above/other posts.

lilacmamacat · 15/07/2012 23:27

Yet another vote for your surname, and I agree with Yama, your mother is from a different era, so don't listen to her on this one!!

littlemissbroody26 · 16/07/2012 11:30

Id give the baby your sirname, you will be the one picking him up from school, you will be the one taking him to the doctors. Also if you have any future children you could give them a double name so your children will at least share one name.

My mum and dad did a comb name, half my dads half my mums and i hated it, i changed my name to my mums name at the age of 10 because she was the parent most involved.

Im not married ot my partner and I am considering giving our bubba my last name because why on earth should i have a different name to a baby that i grew (i know my oh did the very hard job of sperm donation and to be fair he is a lovely helpful OH) but even so i grew this baby, I hate the connotations that the baby "belongs" to the dad and therefore gets his last name, the baby doesnt belong to me either but its an awful lot more attached to me than him!

SoozleQ · 16/07/2012 15:03

Another one in the "my child has my surname camp". DP and I are not married but have been in a committed relationship for years. I made it very clear before we started trying for children that if we had children but weren't married then the child would have my surname, not his. He was fine with this.

maybejusttheone · 16/07/2012 15:10

If you give the baby your XP's surname you will be called Mrs XP for ever more, which might be quite annoying.

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