Baby name "tactics"

[minipie]

ok this is possibly a bit controversial so I am donning my hard hat.

I am 13 weeks pg at the moment. SIL is about 19-20 weeks.

DH and I have decided what names we want for a boy or girl (we were TTCing for nearly a year before I finally got pregnant and chose names quite a long time ago, and we still like those names best by far.)

I have a slightly irrational fear that BIL and SIL will end up using our preferred name, and we then wouldn't be able to use it. Our preferred names are relatively common (especially the boy's name), and of course we both have the same family member names to avoid, so that does increase the chance of this happening, though I realise it's still only a small chance.

For this reason, I'm considering mentioning our preferred names to them "in passing", so that they get the hint that those are "taken", as it were.

Is this wrong? Will it seem very weird if I do this? Should I just accept that SIL got pregnant first (despite starting TTCing much later) and so gets "first pick" of names?

What would you do?

Do it.

if you mention it all casual like then they might say "ooo that's nice, didn't think about that " and use it!

or they'll say they hate it

I'ld keep schtum!

There's a risk that this tactic could lead to a big row. You can't "reserve" names, nothing to do with when you started ttc. How's your relationship with them to start with? I'd never have dreamed of talking about names before our babies were born as people react and might spoil it; you might change your minds; your baby might not look like a xxx in the end. I'd say keep quiet and see how things turn out, without getting totally fixated on one name.

I wouldn't mention it casually because that could simply plant the idea in their head without staking a proper claim!
Either don't say at all or (what I would do) as soon as you know the sex simply state what your child's name is to the whole family. Then there is no debate. You'll have 20 week scan before her LO is born so should be fine!

First, you may have a boy; they may have a girl. This might never be an issue.

Secondly, if you have decided on these names, I see no reason why you shouldn't tell people! You are obviously very worried about this. It's getting to you and it's showing (e.g. 'Should I just accept that SIL got pregnant first (despite starting TTCing much later) and so gets "first pick" of names?' could sound a little mean-spirited).

If I were in your position and this bothered - and I was 100% certain these were the names and I wasn't going to change my mind - I'd perhaps do something like e-mail them a picture of the baby scan and say something like, 'Meet baby Sophie or Oliver!'

Alternatively, just strike up a conversation with your SIL, ask if she's thought about names yet and tell her definitively what you've picked out. You can't stop her using your choices but you can let her know that you're going to use them too.

If you're picking names as popular as you've implied, it's just a fact of life that other people will like them too - and that might include family members. But there are so many other names around, what are the chances that she'll pick the same one?

....we have called our DS's by their names from sexing scan. If you simply state the name nobody gives negative feedback because your not asking whether they like it IYSWIM your just telling them your choice as you would after the birth!

Nothing useful to input, but just waving at minipie and saying congrats!

If they use those names it's up to them - first come, first served. I don't think they'd be particularly pleased if you dropped hints that the names were "taken", as they'll be deciding before you. Of course, it doesn't stop you using them as well.

No one can stop you from using your preferred name. If two cousins end up with the same forename, then so be it. That was actually the norm up until the 20th century, people used quite a small pool of names.

So I would make no secret of the chosen name, then in the unlikely event that the others choose it too, just use it anyway.

hi emsy! thank you!

Thanks all. Interesting mix of responses!

monkey and girl you're right that mentioning it in passing without making our intentions clear could backfire!

jj our relationship with them is good, DH and BIL are really close. I don't really see why it would lead to a row though, if we are just saying what name we have chosen?

Stellan I know the TTCing thing makes it all sound a bit mean spirited and I hate feeling that way . I guess it just creates an additional reason why I'd be sad if they used "our" names - it would be yet another crap thing about it having taken us so long, iyswim.

Step I wouldn't be dropping hints the names were "taken", I'd just be saying what name we want to use. Of course they can always choose to use the name nonetheless, I just don't think they would - and if it was the other way round, I wouldn't. They won't be deciding before us, as we've already decided!

Using the 20 week scan as an opportunity is a really good idea I think, thanks. We do want to find out the sex at that scan, so we can simply start referring to the baby as X or Y from then on. Much subtler than saying "we want to call the baby X or Y". I think we'll do that.

oops jk not jj

If you're really close and you have your heart set on these names, just tell them they are what you've picked out. They might be relieved to hear you're not considering their choices! If they happen to be the same, you might have to just to agree that either you both use the name or neither of you use it. You'll sort it out, particularly if you've got a good relationship with them.

We said after 20 week scan 'welcome xyz'. I know it's early but TBH even if we'd lost DS after that point I would still have wanted him to have his name. I'd seen him- he was my baby by then. From that point on we called him by his name- not bump or peanut etc.

If you are sure about the name you want you could go that route. Didn't feel weird to me.

They might have already decided as well, though.

I just don't see what the purpose is of telling them the names, if it's not going to affect your choice or theirs?

Here's what you can do.....when I had my scan, the scanographer (or whatever the word is) typed my baby's name so it appeared on the print out right next to his picture. You could ask the scan person to do that and then show your SIL the scan and maybe point out the name and say how nice it was they did that for you....

We were in a similar position, so once DH and I had agreed that they really were our definite boy and girl choices we made sure all in the family knew that if it was a boy they would be XXX and if they were a girl they would be YYY.

Basically, we called dibs on the names. They could have chosen the names if they really wanted but they knew we had already decided and announced so they would have had to be sure we would change our plans if they used one of 'our' names.

Don't just mention it in passing, if you really don't want them to use those names tell everybody!!

I think you should let go of the idea that you can truly have 'dibs' on a name, whether you chose it when you first met or first TTC. Maybe your SIL also had name discussions years ago and has hers pick out too.

All you can do it wait until your scan, hopefully find out the sex, and if you are certain of the name then announce it properly to everyone then.

When your SIL has her scan soon, she may or may not do the same, and you will just have to cross-fingers that she does not have the same names as you do.

I do understand your predicament though, one of our favourite names is fairly common (top 20) but so far no one in our immediate or wider circle has used it, and I have been a bit nervous that someone might steal it from under me! But I also accept that if that happened there are other nice names out there and it really is not the be all and end all of having a baby.

Ha ha, when I saw the thread title I thought you might have been suggesting tactics as a name!

Like others have mentioned we also referred to ds by name after the 20 week scan.

Congrats on your pregnancy!

If you're close, a conversation about the name you've chosen after your 20 week scan should be fine and will get the point across.

DH and I have friends (very close friends) who are due about 2 months after us. We've discussed names openly, and there is an understanding about the names we've all chosen (ie they're OURS). It's fine

HOWEVER, my Mum and Dad did this with my Dad's twin brother and his wife, who were due 6 weeks BEFORE them (both expecting boys). Mum and Dad mentioned the name they had picked out for my brother after the scan, and My Dad's bro and wife used the name when their baby was born! It has caused a lot of bitterness (that of course has never been discussed because my family are fucked up )

Oooh I wouldn't mention the names. Chances are you will either have different sexes or they won't use yours. And if they do, you know what, you probably won't want to use it anyway. Because it will become the name of their baby if you know what I mean.

I understand the fear though. My SIL is having a baby in January and I am not even pregnant and I am terrified they may use one of our baby names. And our tastes (I suspect) are completely different so there is virtually no chance they will choose one of "my" names. But if they do, there are plenty of other names out there to choose from.

thanks all! yet more differing responses

howcomes at calling the baby Tactics - perhaps as a nickname ...

I think we will go with the "calling it X from the time we know the sex" option.

Of course it's possible that BIL and SIL might announce their name before we get to know the sex/mention the name - in which case it's just tough for us, and we'll have to find a new name if theirs is the same.

Or, even if we mention our name first, they could still say "oh that's the name we had chosen too" in which case we'll have to toss a coin have a grown up discussion about it.

I just think (and hope) the most likely possibility is that they are still at the shortlist stage, at most, and so if we mention our name, the worst that happens is they have to cross it off their shortlist and choose something else. I've done this with several names as friends have used them, and it hasn't bothered me as I was still at the shortlist stage, iyswim.

No-one owns a name and they are free to use the same name as us if they want. I'm not one of those people who thinks it's unforgiveable if someone uses the same name. But I'm sure we'd all prefer our DCs to have different names especially given we and they are going to be seeing a lot of each other!

I had my DS a month before my brother and his wife had theirs. We all kept our names a secret until the births, but had had many conversations about whether we had picked any out. Once DB and SIL had chosen a name (while we were still deciding from our short list ) I asked them for the initial so we could make sure there wasn't a match. There wasn't, but had there been I would have happily crossed it off ur short list.

I never considered this as a huge problem, and it was all done happily and with no hint of ill feeling.

Just start up the conversation of baby names and the chances of you both liking the same ones. No need for secrecy or waiting for scans etc. after all - their 20 week scan will be coming first!

Haven't read all the replies but in my opinion you cannot 'reserve' a name. Let your SIL and her dh choose the name want for their child. If your baby is born afterwards, choose another name! There are thousands of lovely names to choose from.

Best to say nothing, IMO. If you say something it could end up getting ugly later on.

SLVC thanks for your experience, that sounds like the closest to our position (except your DB and SIL is DH and me, if that makes sense).