Do we need to ask?

[aliphil]

If DC turns out to be a boy, Thomas is both DH's and my favourite boy's name. However, friends of ours had a stillborn son whose name was Thomas. I think we should have a word with them and be clear we won't use the name if it will distress them; DH thinks I'm being silly. Any thoughts?

I wouldn't use the name if they had used it for their stillborn son.
So sad for them. Have you got any alternatives?

I would avoid it too. We can't possibly know what they're going thru. So best to leave well alone.

Haven't got alternatives yet, but DC isn't due until August so we have time to think - which is why I wanted to think about it now!

It wasn't a very recent stillbirth - five or six years ago, I think - but I guess that may not make any difference, it was still their baby.

I wouldn't use it. There are so many nice names around and Thomas is nice but very popular in any event. I am sure there must be something else you both like!

I think it's very thoughtful of you to ask them, they will appreciate that.
You are not being silly but they may think it's nice that you would use the same name as they chose, rather than being upset - you can't know unless you ask them.

You'd put your friends in a bit bit of a difficult position if you asked them. I would not ask or use it.

I wouldn't use it

I would use it, I wouldn't even ask.
It's puts them in a horrible position, they can't really say no but it will hurt every time they hear it.

I think your instincts are right. Would you use the name were their son alive? Also, I don't think it would be a fair question if you asked them directly, as it would be impossible to answer properly put on the spot. Better perhaps to have a general chat about names, and let Thomas come up, and gauge their reaction.

Personally, I wouldn't use it except as a middle name.

I wouldn't ask them, nor would I use it. Look for something else and use it as a mn.
They will be in a really awkward position as they probably wouldn't say no, but they will have to hear about 'your' Thomas whilst not having theirs. I expect you wouldn't use their ds's name if it was something more unusual like Leander, so I wouldn't do it with Thomas either.

I would use a different name as it could really upset your friend even just discussing it.
The name Thomas will be precious to her and it may still be a raw time for her so please consider calling him a different name.
There are lots of lovely names out there now you dont need pick one which may hurt someone close x

I wouldn't use it, or ask them - they can hardly say no even though they may want to. x

I wouldnt use it, and wouldnt ask either. Your friends will feel obliged to tell you they are fine about it, when they probably wont be.

It's a bit difficult as Thomas is so popular. I could easily imagine that you would have used it if their Thomas had lived.

I would say on balance no, and that as others have said, asking them puts them in an awkward position.

However:

• v popular name
• not a recent loss (I KNOW that makes no actual difference, just that there is a big difference between 6 years and last year - as in, if they'd had a live baby Thomas last year you wouldn't use the same name, if they had a 6-year old Thomas now you probably would iyswim)

How close are they? How often do you see them?

If they don't live near then you might be able to swing it. But it would be easier to find another name.

You cannot possibly use the name imo. And asking them is even worse.

There are thousands of other names!

I agree. I think asking them is worse. Best not to use it.

I wouldn't use it as a first name, no. I wouldn't ask them either - it puts them in a really awkward position. Maybe compromise by using it as a middle name, if you and DH really have your hearts set on it?

If you ask them they'll feel obliged to say yes.

I will talk to DH again. I thought asking them might be a good idea because another friend, whose son died at a few days old (I seem to have unlucky friends ), told me someone asked her if she minded them using his name, and she didn't (again, it was quite a popular name) but appreciated being asked. But I don't want to upset them, and we go to the same church so see them quite often.

Unfortunately DH doesn't like my other favourite boy's name that hasn't already been used by a close friend! Back to the drawing board - oh well, maybe DC will be a girl ...

I think there are ways of asking that wouldn't preclude the friends from saying no if they really didn't want you to use it - but keep looking anyway - good luck! :)

Don't ask and don't use it, personal family experience tells me that it doesn't matter how long ago it was or if they say it's ok, it's not.

I wouldn't use it and I wouldn't ask. You could be putting those friends in an awkward position.

I think it's best if you do come up with something entirely different.

I agree with the PP who said that it's an unspoken no-no. No way would I ever consider doing this. No matter how nice the name is. Sorry.