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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Should I give the baby his surname even though....

29 replies

jenrose29 · 01/05/2012 21:12

I am due in 4 weeks (argh!) with a second daughter. My daughter is called Ellie-Rose and has her biological fathers (my ex husbands surname.) When we seperated, I got rid of his surname and instead of reverting to my maiden name I changed my surname to Rose so that I would have a name in common with DD. My partner and I have 'issues' in that he is still in the process of getting divorced (very early stages) despite having been seperated for almost 3 years and promising that he would do it immediately well over a year ago, hence trying for a baby. We do not live together and I have said that DD and I won't be moving in with him until he is divorced. His ex-wife is a nightmare and he has two (potential) kids with her that she is stopping him from seeing. Anyway, he has assumed (as have his family) that the baby will have his surname. I said that I wanted the baby to have a name in common with DD and I and he said we could give her the middle name Rose too, but I would prefer a different middle name from DD and I call her Roses more so than Ellie so to have the same middle name would be confusing. Am I really wrong in thinking that he kind of hasn't 'earned' the right for baby to have his name? Like I said, it's been well well over a year since he said he was getting divorced, almost 3 since he's been seperated. He's shown no real committment to baby, DD and I and I don't want to have baby being stuck with his surname if he continues to not pull his finger out if he doesn't get his divorce and kids sorted. Am I being unreasonable?

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nolongeramug · 01/05/2012 21:15

YANBU I always regretted not giving my DS my name. In the circumstances I think your right to put your thoughts and DD and baby first. Sounds like he has done nothing to reassure you he will be sticking around.

Stellan · 01/05/2012 21:17

It is quite clear that you should not give this child your partner's surname: your post makes it abundantly clear that it is not what you want.

mypersonalfavourite · 01/05/2012 21:18

Do not give the baby his surname! You can always change it later if you want to you but you won't ever get his permission to change it to yours.

Flojo1979 · 01/05/2012 21:20

YANBU, both my DCs have my name. DC1 took my name as I split with his father before the birth and when I fell pregnant with DC2 her father wasnt at all happy when I told him she would have my name as I wanted her to have the same name as her brother, but tough! Shes now 3 and I dont regret it one bit!

Original poster

jenrose29 · 01/05/2012 21:21

mypersonalfavourite That is exactly what I'm thinking. Also, it just doesn't feel right that our baby will have the same surname as him, his wife and their (potential) kids and not DD and I who the baby will be living with for the foreseeable future. Stellan It isn't that I don't want to give the baby his surname, it's just that if things did go wrong (which I hope they don't) then I would prefer DD, baby and I to have the same name rather than both children to have different surnames and, like is mentioned above, if things get sorted then baby's name can later be changed to her dads.

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 01/05/2012 21:25

You don't even live with this man, I can't believe you're even considering giving your baby his name.

No YANBU, but he is.

He's still married to someone else, but wants his name passed on to a baby when he won't even be a part of its immediate family in the short term?

You would be crazy to give this baby his name.

She deserves to have the same name as her mother and sister.

Yama · 01/05/2012 21:28

No, you shouldn't give the baby his surname. You may regret it.

Badgerina · 01/05/2012 21:33

Give your baby the same surname that you have - Rose.

invicta · 01/05/2012 21:37

Why don't you use his sirame as a middle name. Then the child will know his/ hers paternal name, and it wouldd be easier to change if needed later on.

Original poster

jenrose29 · 01/05/2012 21:39

His name doesn't work as a middle name at all. He would still be on the birth certificate though.

OP posts:

welovesausagedogs · 01/05/2012 21:44

If it were me i would change your elder daughter names to Ellie Rose - her dads surname and then your surname. And for your younger daughter Her name her dads surname and your surname. That way both girls with have the same surname ie yours and there dads surname as a second surname.

welovesausagedogs · 01/05/2012 21:45

meant to say dads surname as second middle name.

welovesausagedogs · 01/05/2012 21:47

Or you could do like what the hippy communes did when they gave the kids their own surnames e.g. wild. Well you could choose a surname for both your daughters that is uniquely theres and not given by a parent.

Original poster

jenrose29 · 01/05/2012 21:49

welovesausagedogs My surname is her middle name, so can't have it twice! And can't change first daughters surname as her father wouldn't agree to it.

OP posts:

Yama · 01/05/2012 22:20

That is exactly why you should not give your baby this man's surname. Think about it. Don't lose control over your child's name.

margerykemp · 02/05/2012 06:43

Don't even put him on the birth certificate until he is divorced and fully committed to you, your dd and this baby. Give your new dd your surname.

minipie · 02/05/2012 11:16

I agree you should not give your child his surname, for all the reasons given above.

I don't understand what you mean by two (potential) children with his ex though? They are his children.

KatAndKit · 02/05/2012 13:34

Nope, I would not give the baby his last name. Give the baby your name, you can always change it in the future if you ever get married to this man.

GoPoldark · 02/05/2012 14:36

Absolutely do not give your baby this man's surname.

You can change it later if things do work out and he actually shows committment, but DO NOT give her his name now. I can almost guarantee you wll regret it, and possibly be left with ANOTHER surname you want to change but can't.

Original poster

jenrose29 · 02/05/2012 21:19

minipie They are potentially his children because although his wife has told him that they are his, she has also hinted that they are not, and had countless affairs/one night stands during there marriage meaning there's a possibility one/both children aren't his.

I hadn't really considered not giving the baby his name until yesterday and think it hasn't even crossed his mind that I might not but the cautious side of me thinks it's a bad idea...

OP posts:

GoPoldark · 02/05/2012 22:53

It IS a bad idea.

Just don't. If he doesn't like it, cheerfully say that when he's divorced and you get married, you'll have a great celebration when you a change your names.

I'd have a tenner on that never actually happening...

Badgerina · 03/05/2012 17:01

Don't do it. I gave DS his dad's surname, with my name as a middle name. Wish I hadn't. We split 5 years ago and there is NO WAY on god's green earth my ex would let me change DS's surname.

Original poster

jenrose29 · 03/05/2012 21:55

I know, I wish I'd never given DD her fathers name but then we were married so was different then. It's just easy to say in hindsight, not so easy to break the news to DP/his family when they've all been expecting baby to have his name.

OP posts:

IvanaNap · 03/05/2012 22:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

Original poster

jenrose29 · 03/05/2012 22:23

That's the thing though, he wouldn't bicker - just feel sorry for himself and I'd feel guilty! Plus DD (aged 4.5) hates having her fathers surname but has been reasoned with that she has mine and his name because we both helped to make her and accepts that. If this baby only has mine then she will be asking why constantly and rub it in!

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