Should I give the baby his surname even though....

[jenrose29]

I am due in 4 weeks (argh!) with a second daughter. My daughter is called Ellie-Rose and has her biological fathers (my ex husbands surname.) When we seperated, I got rid of his surname and instead of reverting to my maiden name I changed my surname to Rose so that I would have a name in common with DD. My partner and I have 'issues' in that he is still in the process of getting divorced (very early stages) despite having been seperated for almost 3 years and promising that he would do it immediately well over a year ago, hence trying for a baby. We do not live together and I have said that DD and I won't be moving in with him until he is divorced. His ex-wife is a nightmare and he has two (potential) kids with her that she is stopping him from seeing. Anyway, he has assumed (as have his family) that the baby will have his surname. I said that I wanted the baby to have a name in common with DD and I and he said we could give her the middle name Rose too, but I would prefer a different middle name from DD and I call her Roses more so than Ellie so to have the same middle name would be confusing. Am I really wrong in thinking that he kind of hasn't 'earned' the right for baby to have his name? Like I said, it's been well well over a year since he said he was getting divorced, almost 3 since he's been seperated. He's shown no real committment to baby, DD and I and I don't want to have baby being stuck with his surname if he continues to not pull his finger out if he doesn't get his divorce and kids sorted. Am I being unreasonable?

Maybe he'll stop feeling sorry for himself for long enough to actually get on with getting divorced!

This is a guy who can't even make the effort NOT to be married to someone who isn't her mother by the time his daughter is born. That's how much he's willing to do for you...

You regret your first DD's surname, don't make the same mistake.

Easy enough to tell your DD that until you and DP are married, the baby has to have your name and it is changed after the wedding. When she was born, you were married to her dad so different.

As for his family, you just look at them blankly and say - but he's still married to someone else! How on earth can the baby have his surname? Just say it as if it's the most obvious thing in the world... They'll be too embarrassed to try and argue as it does sound pretty bad and is ALL his doing! A small hurt look and a 'you see, I really thought you'd have made the effort to get the divorce rolling by now... At the moment to me it would literally feel as if the baby was joining your previous family' should put the tin lid on it. Two people can play the hurt feelings game!

I'd thought of those things but kind of makes me sound like I'm desperate to get married to him...which I'm not, I just don't want him married to someone else which I don't think is unreasonable!

DD (aged 4.5) hates having her fathers surname but has been reasoned with that she has mine and his name because we both helped to make her and accepts that. If this baby only has mine then she will be asking why constantly and rub it in!

Let's say your partner is called John Doe and you want to name this baby Jane. You name her:

First name: Jane
Middle name: Doe
Surname: Rose

Since you'll be her primary caregiver by the sounds of it, it makes sense that she should have your name.