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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

I miscarried and now my friend wants to use my name

79 replies

pencilandpen · 27/03/2012 12:48

I'm so distraught right now, I just cannot believe my good friend would do this to me. I miscarried at 12 weeks in February and told my friend (who had known about the pregnancy) that I was going through a hard time with it.

A few days later she rang me up for a chat and told me she was pregnant - she is due only a week after my miscarried baby was due :( So even though it was hard to hear, I was happy for her of course. She told me she had the CVC testing and already knew it was a girl, so naturally I asked her if she had thought about names yet.

I had already told her our chosen names - I tend to choose them before baby is even conceived - this baby had taken us four years to get around to so I had a lot of time to think about names!

So then she said she was actually thinking about Florence and what a great name it is and that her husband really likes it too. I said, but that is the name we were going to use if we had a girl. She then pretended that someone was at the door and she had to go and I haven't heard from her since and I'm still stewing.

So I lost my baby (and maybe a good friend) and now I'll never be able to use the name I've had picked out for three years if I decide to overlook this and still be friends with her! I know no-one owns a name and we could well have a boy, but by geez this oversteps the friendship mark by a looong way for me :( I guess I just needed to vent...

OP posts:

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Devora · 27/03/2012 22:45

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been there and know how painful it is. Usually I'm very firmly in the 'you can't own a name' camp, but in this case I agree that your friend has been massively insensitive.

People ARE insensitive about miscarriage, IME. I was truly staggered at the ghastly comments people came out with. I think, trying to be fair to them, that an early miscarriage is such an abstract experience to those who are not directly going through it. The pregnancy didn't yet seem real to them, so the miscarriage doesn't seem really real either. I'm not excusing this, just acknowledging it. I don't suppose your friend thought for one second that her actions would hurt you like this. Only you can decide whether your friendship can absorb this or not.

All best to you x

MariaCallous · 27/03/2012 22:45

I lost my much loved and wanted first baby and do know the pain you are experiencing. I am so sorry for your loss.

Nobody owns a name but this hugely insensitive and shows a complete lack of empathy.

Original poster

pencilandpen · 27/03/2012 22:59

Oh gosh BartletForAmerica - that sends my situation straight into much more trivial territory. That is utterly unforgivable :( I'm so so sorry.

My friend from mother's group had a name picked out for her unborn son and then her friends had a stillborn baby and picked the same name - needless to say my friend didn't use it.

Gosh that really is awful :(

I will have a chat with her but I'm not sure when. I don't want to be angry and have it spiral out of control. I think perhaps the friendship is gone for me already, not because of the name, but because of the symbolism of this action.

We will use Florence anyway if we have a girl, I have decided. It was my great aunt's name - not sure what her connection with the name is, if any. She put it like it was just a name she liked. Thanks you for your thoughts and sympathy - it has really helped me to see a little clearer. xx

OP posts:

otterface · 28/03/2012 01:04

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I agree that depth of the grief that a miscarriage can cause is often misunderstood and underestimated by those who haven't been there.

But I honestly don't think your friend has done anything wrong. She is probably of the camp (as I am) that thinks that a lovely name is a lovely name, and someone having the same first name as someone else - someone living or dead, of the same age or of a different generation, someone you live next door to or someone you see once a year - is no big deal and certainly not a cause for distress.

I'm not saying that you're wrong to feel distressed. I understand why you do. But you have to consider that maybe your friend doesn't think that she would feel upset in your shoes (by the name thing, obviously - I assume she understands that you're devastated by the miscarriage itself) and therefore it didn't occur to her that it would be hurtful to answer honestly when you asked her about names.

Now that she knows it upsets you, she may decide to use another name. But if she does go ahead and use Florence, to be really honest, I still don't think that she's wrong to do so if it's the name she loves best.

You have suffered a terrible loss, but she has not taken anything from you.

Maybe your friendship won't survive this, though, because as you say you're at a very low point and she might not be who you need in your life right now. That may be true even if it isn't her fault - she doesn't have to be wrong to be the wrong person to support you.

There's a saying that 'grief rewrites your address book' - I have found that to be true in my life, and it wasn't necessarily because the other person did something wrong, just because something happened to make me realize that we weren't all that compatible when the chips were down. I hope you can resolve things with your friend but if you can't, I hope that you have lots of other support. All the best.

anonymosity · 28/03/2012 04:05

When it comes to your having another child which I truly hope happens, if you want to use this name then, use it. It can still be your special name.
( I really regret giving my DD my favourite name as a second name so as to avoid clashing with a local aquaintance - and then we moved, 6000 miles away!)
I think its going to be challenging being around friends who are pregnant and I think they should be sensitive to this and not rub their pregnancy in your face. I hope you find the love and support to get through this.

tomverlaine · 28/03/2012 04:16

it sounds possible that she forgot/didn't register that you had chosen that name -her reaction after you told her (post mc) sounds like she didn't know - otherwise I would have expected her to have a more prepared response.
Other than the name has she been supportive?
i am not sure there is a right way to tell someone who has mc'd that you are pregnant

Alltheseboys · 28/03/2012 04:30

Your 'friend' doesn't sound much like one to me. Insensitive & now she is avoiding you? Im sorry for your loss but don't hold onto friends that are no good for you.

squoosh · 28/03/2012 10:42

The people who say she hasn't done anything wrong sound about as sensitive as your 'friend' in my opinion.

MarthasHarbour · 28/03/2012 10:54

agreed squoosh i was a bit at that too.

Oh and bartlet i am so at your story. When i read your story I tried to think about how i would feel if i lost DS and someone had used his name, distraught.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 28/03/2012 11:07

Just reached page 2, PLEASE will posters READ the Original post properly before wading in with their opinions ... ESP the part where the OP has said

"I had already told her our chosen names"

Is that clear enough for you?????? Sheesh

OP, I am very very sorry for your loss. Your "friend" is being a callous, unthinking cow who has obv never felt such a loss or she would never do such a horrible thing. Sorry this is raw for me too, please give yourself all the time you need to get over the loss of your baby, and no you do not need someone like her in your life.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 28/03/2012 11:13

ESP not someone who rings up ONE WWEEK LATER after your conversation about your loss to say she is using your chosen name. that anyone could think this is acceptable behaviour from a so called friend.

RabidEchidna · 28/03/2012 11:25

I am sorry for your loss,
I think you need to talk to your friend although you can not tell her not to use the name.
Personally I would not plan to call my baby the same name as a lost child as I would feel it jinxed but that is just me

melika · 28/03/2012 11:31

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Had a similiar thing happen to me, won't go into detail but it was my DS. (Never had a girl anyway after 2 boys and through health reasons stopped at two). She had a girl and decided to call it 'my name' I thought, shall I say something and because it was knawing away at me, I pointed out that I had already said that was my favourite ( I remember the conversation). ~She protested and I think she realised that she had subconciously pinched it! ~She still used it as a second name and still brings it up routinely as if I should feel guilty for her not having it. Her DH hated the name!
Fact is you only had a 50/50 chance of using it anyway. That's the way I feel about it, resign yourself to it. Try again and if you have a girl, you could name her Florence anyway. Sounds like you won't be having much to do with her in the future. But look at it another way, there are so many beautiful girls names to pick, have a re-think.

Treefutom · 28/03/2012 11:40

I'm very sorry for your loss

"So then she said she was actually thinking about Florence and what a great name it is and that her husband really likes it too"

Giving your friend the benefit of the doubt, it sounds like she's testing the waters. Given your reaction, she may well not now use it?

MarthasHarbour · 28/03/2012 12:55

can i have a 'like' button for toomuchmonth

AKMD · 28/03/2012 12:55

Bartlet That is horrendous.

OP, I think your 'friend' is being horrible. She knew that you would have called your child Florence if you had had a little girl and a week after you miscarried the potential Florence she decides to use that name for her girl to be born a week after yours would have been? I could not remain friends with someone so heartless.

mathanxiety · 28/03/2012 15:21

PencilandPen, your 'friend' is a cow.

If she had thought for even one minute about your feelings she would not have decided to name her baby Florence. It will be difficult for you to see her Florence growing up, even though time heals the pain of miscarriage. Testing the waters in such a callous way is a completely unacceptable thing to do too, if that is what she was doing. She had six more months to bounce her 'idea' around -- did she really imagine that one week after the miscarriage would be the time to fly it by you? I think she subconsciously stole the name and is completely shameless and self absorbed.

Go with your feelings as far as this friendship is concerned. If you feel it is too much for you to bear, forget her and move on. You owe her nothing.

There are a million other names that she could have picked.

Very sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is horrible.

ragged · 28/03/2012 15:29

It's a nice name, it's a compliment (tribute even) that your friend still likes it in spite of your loss.

Sorry about your loss. If you were my friend I would have managed my news & thoughts very differently.

TheSecondComing · 28/03/2012 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thereonthestair · 28/03/2012 15:48

I am sorry for your loss. I have been there and lost a child at 12 weeks. I had given him a name Peter, after my DH's father who died when DH was young.

I had told some people that was the plan.

My lost baby is still Peter, but so are many others including Dh's godson, and that's fine. IMO telling you this is what she was planning to call Her dd at this stage was insensitive, but that's all. It's insenstive, but not a huge deal and she should be able to call her dd whatever she wants. It is no more nor less than insenstive and so many other things were and will be insensitive in the next few weeks. Unfortunately that's how miscarriage is.

For what its worth the DS I had after the baby I miscarried is not called Peter. I couldn't do that as that was the baby that was lost. Peter is DS middle name but it would not have been right for us to call DS Peter even given the strong family connection. In time you may feel the same about Florence, but all that is too soon now.

otterface · 28/03/2012 16:58

toomuch you're imploring others to read the OP properly, and then saying that the friend rang OP to say that she was using the name.

Maybe it's you that should read it again. The OP asked about names. The friend answered.

Maybe it would have been better to lie and said that she didn't have any in mind, but to say that she rang up to tell OP she was using the name is incorrect.

Just pointing that out since you seem concerned about other poster's accuracy.

frutilla · 28/03/2012 17:04

I'm really sorry for your loss....and sorry that you're going through the pain of having it brought up again with your friend's pregnancy and the name issue. Was Florence to be the first or second name? If it was to be the first name, I would be furious, if it was to be the middle name I would just be peeved.

winkle2 · 28/03/2012 19:30

I agree with everything sqoosh said.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

doctordwt · 28/03/2012 20:26

OP and Bartlet, so sorry for your losses. Take care of yourselves... and OP, you do what you want to do with this friendship, take your time and if it changes things for you then walk away and know that it's absolutely understandable for you to do so. At the very least, she's been horribly insensitive - not a great friend then, is she?

Ephiny · 28/03/2012 20:34

Normally I'd be the first so say 'no one owns a name', but given the context of your recent loss, it does seem incredibly insensitive of your friend.

All I can say really is try to let it go if you can, no good can come of pursuing the matter any further, it will only cause more upset to you.

Don't feel you won't be able to use the name in the future though, if you do have a little girl some day. Your friend doesn't own the name either!

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