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Original poster

I miscarried and now my friend wants to use my name

79 replies

pencilandpen · 27/03/2012 12:48

I'm so distraught right now, I just cannot believe my good friend would do this to me. I miscarried at 12 weeks in February and told my friend (who had known about the pregnancy) that I was going through a hard time with it.

A few days later she rang me up for a chat and told me she was pregnant - she is due only a week after my miscarried baby was due :( So even though it was hard to hear, I was happy for her of course. She told me she had the CVC testing and already knew it was a girl, so naturally I asked her if she had thought about names yet.

I had already told her our chosen names - I tend to choose them before baby is even conceived - this baby had taken us four years to get around to so I had a lot of time to think about names!

So then she said she was actually thinking about Florence and what a great name it is and that her husband really likes it too. I said, but that is the name we were going to use if we had a girl. She then pretended that someone was at the door and she had to go and I haven't heard from her since and I'm still stewing.

So I lost my baby (and maybe a good friend) and now I'll never be able to use the name I've had picked out for three years if I decide to overlook this and still be friends with her! I know no-one owns a name and we could well have a boy, but by geez this oversteps the friendship mark by a looong way for me :( I guess I just needed to vent...

OP posts:
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Lovetats · 27/03/2012 14:21

The OP said that she'd told her friend that Florence was the name she'd chosen.

Maryz · 27/03/2012 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndiMac · 27/03/2012 14:25

Lovetats, I realise this, my only thoughts were that it might have been forgotten. Lord knows I nearly forgot my own name, never mind any others when pregnant.

Maryz, it's still all quite theoretical at the moment, what the baby will be called.

megapixels · 27/03/2012 14:35

Yes you don't own the name, but this was the name you had planned to give your baby and your friend is being HUGELY insensitive in doing this when you've just had a miscarriage. I hope she changes her mind. If it were me I'd still use the name in future should I get a girl.

TwoJackRussellsandababy · 27/03/2012 14:44

Totally insensitive OP and it sounds like she realised that by cutting off the call and disappearing, hopefully she will call and apologise.

This is why we have never told anyone our names, even after our DS was born we still haven't shared our girl's name in case we have a girl next time, although my SIL has known for years and years as I didn't want her to use that name for my nieces, which she was good enough to respect.

Beans1977 · 27/03/2012 14:44

OP, just wanted to say how sorry I am that you had a MC at 12w. I had a MMC at 13w and it hurt like hell and took me a long time to get over. It's only really got easier now I am PG again.

IMO it is incredibly insensitive and thoughtless of your friend to do this, and while 'no one owns a name' I would never do this to a friend - and cannot believe a single one of my (good) friends would do this to me.

It may be she doesn't realise how much what she is planning hurts you. Could you invite her round for a coffee or arrange a meeting and explain how you feel? Perhaps if she knew how much distress this was causing at an already difficult time for you, she would rethink - or perhaps she can explain to you her reasons for choosing the name. Perhaps she could use Florence as a middle name.

IMO there are enough names in the world to use, without picking a name that would cause a good friend distress.

Take care x

AThingInYourLife · 27/03/2012 16:28

I don't understand why it isn't worth losing a friend who would treat you so callously.

You'd have to be pretty desperate for friends to want someone like that in your life.

My SIL asked me not to use the name she and DB have picked for a girl (they had a boy). I never would have used it anyway, knowing it was the name they would have called their daughter - and there was no loss involved, no pain or sadness, just a name they like.

3boysgirlontheway · 27/03/2012 16:35

I would only loose the friendship if I was sure that my "friend" had no (real) reason to use the name, if she had loved it for years then I think it would be okay for her to use it. She might have had it picked long before either of you were pregnant.

She could have waited until things were not so raw to tell you of her intentions to use it though.

5madthings · 27/03/2012 16:50

i think to phone you a week after you have lost your baby and start talking about baby names etc is spectacularly crass, fair enough she wants to share her pregnancy news, but there is a time and a place and then to say she wants to use the name she knew you were planning to use, well that is just off!

fair enough if nearer her due date she came to you and said that she really liked the name and wanted to let you know, but 1 wk after you have lost your baby? that is just awful and in the same circumstances i wouldnt use a name that i knew a friend had chosen for a baby she then lost.

Florence is a popular name and alovely, i thought of it for my dd, but my dp vetoed it, so when you do get preg again and have your baby, do use it if you still really like it, dont let your 'friend' having used it put you off xxx

((pencilandpen))

farfallarocks · 27/03/2012 18:18

Regardless of whether she knew about you wanting Florence, discussing baby names with you is unforgivable. A phone call to let you know she was pregnant and an agknowledgement of what hard news that must be for you at this time would have been what a half decent friend would have done.

I am very sorry for your loss :(

SootySweepandSue · 27/03/2012 18:22

Is she really a close friend? I can't believe her. Sorry for your MC.

oikopolis · 27/03/2012 18:35

oh op this is dreadful. i am so sorry for your loss.

your friend is just being awful. of course you know it's not your name, but fgs you just miscarried. if she REALLY wanted to use Florence, the least she could have done was keep it under her hat until the birth so you had some time to heal beforehand.

but if she had any manners, she wouldn't use it at all imo. i could never ever do this to a friend. not for the sake of a bloody baby name.

fanjodisfunction · 27/03/2012 19:25

I think its very insensitive that she should be discussing names with you so soon after your miscarriage. She should have kept the names private untill later and then broached the subject with you. Maybe later in her pregnancy she could have asked and maybe you would have felt better about it, but this early is very insensitive.

QOD · 27/03/2012 19:27

I had this several times when going thru (unsuccessful) fertility treatment

Bye bye baby Elliot and Danni .. . . My boy and girl names BOTH taken by fucking family

StopSwearingNagoo · 27/03/2012 19:33

I don't think the friend has done anything wrong.

She called to tell you she was pregnant.

You asked her about names, and she said Florence.

You said you had wanted it for your baby, she made an excuse and got off the phone.

She has to process your request.

She hasn't done anything wrong.

abbierhodes · 27/03/2012 19:54

My middle DC has a different name to the one I had originally chosen because my friend had a miscarriage.
We were pregnant at the same time, and both liked the same boys name. We had agreed that we'd both use it but differently (think Robert/Bobby). She then lost her baby, and we chose a different name for our son. I wouldn't have dreamed of doing that to her.
Can't imagine how she'd have felt watching my DS grow up with the name hers should have had. Unspeakably cruel.

MarthasHarbour · 27/03/2012 21:51

stopswearing you have missed out the vital link, the friend knew that OPs chosen name was Florence beforehand,

Read the thread.. Hmm

NoHunIntended · 27/03/2012 22:13

OP, I truly am very very sorry for your loss.

But you did directly ask her about names. Should she have lied? She may have had the name Florence in mind for years. I know I've had my girls' names lined up for a long time. It may have significant meaning for her. I know what you are going through is awful, but you don't own the name. Maybe she thought you would need time to get used to it.

Best wishes.

vigglewiggle · 27/03/2012 22:22

I'm not clear. Had you discussed your choice of name before this telephone conversation?

BartletForAmerica · 27/03/2012 22:27

Gosh, that's hard. I've just spent the afternoon in tears after a friend announced her baby's arrival. Her and my baby were due within weeks of each other. My DD was stillborn just before Christmas. She knew DD's name but, without any warning to me, has given her DD the same name!

Like you, I know that I don't have exclusivity over any name, but it hurts so much that I am going to have to deal with a little girl of the same age and name as my dead DD.

I can imagine how it has hurt you and am very sorry for your loss.

BartletForAmerica · 27/03/2012 22:27

From the OP's second post, "Yes of course she knew we had it picked out"

BartletForAmerica · 27/03/2012 22:28

That last post was for vigglewiggle.

Maryz · 27/03/2012 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vigglewiggle · 27/03/2012 22:31

Maybe I'm being dim, but I wasn't clear whether the OP was saying "yes, of course..." because she had just said it, or whether she meant they had previously discussed it.

thirtysomething1 · 27/03/2012 22:44

I feel for you I really do and the way you describe it I would even say she is totally insensitive...

BUT

I also think that by discussing your name choices with friends and family you also subjected yourself to this scenario and heartache.
Sorry if I'm too blatant, but I'm totally against sharing baby names when pregnant with people that I know.

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