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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Etiquette for using family names

34 replies

scotjls · 22/01/2012 15:24

My husband and I are bickering about middle names if we have a boy. I really like the idea of using my dad's christian name as a middle name. It's a nice name and it means a wee bit of my family gets passed on, since all of our children will carry his family surname. Husband insists that we can't use my dad's name without offending his dad, so he says we should use either both dad's christian names (2 middle names), or neither. His dad is not especially sensitive and I cannot imagine anyone getting upset because their name wasn't used and someone else's was. Husband also thinks my argument that all our children will carry his surname is invalid, because it's not 'personal'.

Does anyone have any opinions or similar experiences? Thanks.

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MerryMarigold · 22/01/2012 15:28

We gave our first ds my grandmother's maiden name as his middle name. He and his family didn't mind. My grandmother gave us some money to buy our house, so we wanted it to be remembered. Plus it is a pretty cool name. My dsis gave her dd her grandmother's middle name as her dd's middle name, no fuss there either. It was a name she liked and her dh liked before the fact it was a family name. I think your dh is being a bit precious, but if it's going to upset him...how about the next baby gets his mum or dad's name as a middle name?

Catsmamma · 22/01/2012 15:28

we were lucky in that ds1 middle name is/was on both sides already, totally why it was picked!

and ds1 was the first gc on both sides.

LittlePandaBear · 22/01/2012 15:32

There's not a clear cut answer, but my sister decided to use our Dad's first name and her FIL's first name as middle names for her DS. She also wanted to carry through something from our family as we have no brothers to carry our miaden name through. I think she didn't want to offend her FIL by only having one of their names.

To be honest it is a bit of a mouthful and doesn't go with the first name and surname as the middle names have the same initial, but then the full name is rarely used all together so I guess she thought the sentiment was more important than the actual names.

Do you actually like the names, do they go with your chosen first name?

We haven't used any family names for our DD so no one can be offended (or everyone can be offended )

Dee03 · 22/01/2012 15:35

Ds1 has got my dad and granddads names as middle names, ds2 has got xh and his dads names as middle names and ds3 (different dad) has got his dad and granddad names as middle names!!

GlueSticksEverywhere · 22/01/2012 15:36

I think 2 middle names would be fine as long as though go together. It's a good point you make about the dcs getting their dads surname. I hadn't thought of it like that before. It does sound to me like your DH is being a bit childish about it.

Original poster

scotjls · 22/01/2012 15:42

Thanks all.

I do like my dad's name. Hubby's dad's name is John which is hard to have a strong feeling about either way! Coincidentally my dad's middle name is also John so in a way using both names is still a strong nod to my dad! I'd just prefer to have only one middle name.

We had a granny on either side with the same name, and it was one we loved so we used that for my daughter's christian name. I think my hubby just has the whole 'equal weighting' thing out of proportion. And the fact all of our children carry his family name is significant!

OP posts:

GlueSticksEverywhere · 22/01/2012 15:51

My siblings have 2 middle names each and I only have 1 (my dad forgot the other one when he was registering me!). I actually really like 2!

And yes having his family name is very significant. Although if John is also your dads name then that makes you even again!

4madboys · 22/01/2012 15:55

my ds1 has two middle names, my dad and dp's dad. i had always wanted to give a boy my dads name as a middle name, and dp's dad died just before i got preg with ds1 so it seemed a nice way to remember him. my ds1 is Theodore David William, and then he has a double barrelled surname! but it sounds really nice and we like it. bizarrely my mil doesnt like middle names at all, so her two children didnt have one and she doesnt see why we gave them to ours, i thought she might like her grandson having her husbands name as a middle name, but she doesnt as she doesnt believe in middle names

if both names sound ok then just do that and like you say your dh's dads name is also your dads middle name!

Seona1973 · 22/01/2012 16:01

my dd has my mum's first name as a middle name and ds has FIL's first name as his middle name

ragged · 22/01/2012 16:05

Just give the lad 2 middle names to keep your DH happy.
But I do think your DH is being daft.
DC variously have middle & forenames after one of DH's uncles, my dad, one of DH's grannies: Lots of other grandparents & uncles & even great-grandies still alive, they don't seem to mind being left out.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 22/01/2012 16:26

but she doesnt as she doesnt believe in middle names

I find that so weird!

COCKadoodledooo · 22/01/2012 16:27

Your dc are already getting a name from his father - their surname.

Fil gets offended over every slight thing, it wouldn't occur to even him to get wound up over this one I suspect!

nearlymumofone · 22/01/2012 19:23

Ds's first name is my grandad's and middle name is my dad's. I don't know if DH's family are offended, and frankly I'm not bothered. They don't have any names we would liked to have used.

I really wouldn't be naming my child to 'please' someone.

flyingcloud · 23/01/2012 09:06

In France it's tradition (with first born of either sex anyway) to give the names of both, ie for a son, give both grand-father's names and for a daughter, both grand-mother's names.

I didn't like this, but it's tradition, and when in Rome, etc so we did it for DD, they don't go together, but hey ho - it's not like she actually gets called her full name apart ever and equally full initials are rarely used here in France. And the more I think about it, the more I like it- for a girl anyway - she is carrying her female heritage with her in addition to the male line surname.

OnlyANinja · 23/01/2012 09:10

The etiquette in my world is:

Pick names that you actually like.

If people get huffy about their name not being used, that's their problem, they need to get a grip.

Kayano · 23/01/2012 10:44

I told DH, my dad and his dad that because DH and fil surname was getting passed on and I was the last ever person with my surname...

If it was a boy the MN would be my dads name or granddads name and that was that.

I also made it clear that I hate two MN

As a compromise DH got to pick first name of first child

dreamingofsun · 23/01/2012 10:53

i took the view that since we all had FIL's surname and one's based on his nationality it was reasonable for us to use my fathers name and not FIL's christian name (which was pretty boring and actually his middle name, his first one being awful). I think this is around balance and one family not expecting to take over.....ie 5 names from FIL in our family seemed more than enough

heartmoonshadow · 23/01/2012 17:21

DS has my maiden name as his middle name and DD when born will have my mums name as her middle name. PIL are going to have to live with it. I offered DH the opportunity of using his grans name for DD but he declined so if he isn't bothered about traditions of using his families name then why should I be? Also as a previous poster says their surname is being used as my children have their dads surname as do I.

RillaBlythe · 23/01/2012 18:31

I feel that since the surname is Dp's surname (thro my gritted teeth!) & the first name is a joint decision, the middle names are frankly my territory. Two middle names, one is my surname, the other is my mother's name.

howlongwilltheynap · 23/01/2012 20:48

Luckily my dad's name is the same as DH's name, and also the name of the place DH is from, so easy one for DS1's middle name.

My friend has triplets - all boys - so they were able to use both grandfathers' first names and also the dad's first name as middle names, all at once! - Problem solved!

PercyFilth · 23/01/2012 21:46

You say that his dad is not especially sensitive, so just ask him if he minds you calling the sprog after your dad. He'll almost certainly say he doesn't mind, so then there'll be nothing to stop you. Simples.

GetDownNesbitt · 23/01/2012 21:51

Eldest is Family Friend, My Dad/Grandad and Husband's Uncle
youngest is FIL, Husband's grandad, my other grandad

We covered all bases, I reckon!

Tigresswoods · 23/01/2012 21:54

We used both grandads' names for DS's middle names. My middle names are my 2 grandmas so it seemed natural. We put my dad first as I thought it nice that it then made the end part DH's dad's actual name. IYSWIM?

MrsJohnDeere · 23/01/2012 21:54

Ds1 has dh's grandfathers' names (they had the same nzme). Not a deliberate choice, just the name we liked best, and quite a common name.
Ds2 has my late FIL's name. Deliberate choice. He was a very special man who died at a very young age. It is a quite unusual name, and this once has caused a lot or problems with my family who took great offence at us favouring dh's family etc.

BustersOfDoom · 23/01/2012 22:06

Your DH is talking crap. Tell him you're prepared to use his DF's first name and your DF's surname. How would that go down?

What is it with blokes and the obsession to have their DF's name given to their DS? Neither DP or I were in any rush to give DS either of their names. As much as we love our DF's they are bloody awful names. And DN didn't get either name from her GMs. Just choose the names you like. You don't have to give them anyone else's name.

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