Hi there everyone,
It is my first time here and I decided to spill out my emotions here after I spent the day reading many of your threads and I was amazed at how you help each other.
I turned 25 2 days ago and on the same day I found out I was pregnant. I can't really describe what I felt or feeling right now, I am am not a maternal person, I never had any real desire to have children, even in the future- my mum says it's just hormonal and one day i'll want some. anyway, this is definitely not the time for me.... after 2 years (after graduating) of countless unpaid internships, bar work just to get by, and general struggling I finally managed to get a junior position in what I've studied- still on minimum wage but i feel so privileged considering the state of affairs of everything! I got my own flat, in one word everything is starting to come together, me and by boyfriend of 2 and half years started to make plans to save up money and go see the world together...and now this. Let me specify that I have been in whirlwind of unluckiness with contraception, I was on the pill but they took me off it because of my migraines- doc told me that hormones for me could increase stroke risk in the future so I should stay clear of them tried the coil and I was in so much pain for 2 weeks in a row that I had to take it off, finally tried the diaphram, which I though was perfect for me...but obviously it didn't work very well!!!!
I am so sorry if I'm boring you with all this, I just...I need to talk about it all I am really sorry.
I know I cannot, cannot go through with this pregnancy- I don't want to have a child, I have no money, but most of all I just do not want to be a mother right now. maybe one day i will, i don't know. but now, i don't.
I am going for a scan tomorrow to find out how far I am- cannot be more than 5 weeks, is not less. after that, i will have a termination.
I dont think it has sunk into me yet. i feel kind of numb, i am very distracted, i nealy got run over twice today cause i crossed the road without even noticing it. I have not told my boyfriend, and i don't know what to do about it. I am split in two over this. we love each other dearly and I know he would support me with my decision, and that it is what he would want as well. he is also very, very sensitive, he has suffered from depression and I am afraid this would send him in a emotional black hole. I have seen it happening in the past,I was there for him and I know how bad it can get. But i am the strongest of the two, and sometimes i think that i should cope with this alone. I think i'd prefer it that way. plus, maybe this is very selfish, but i am also so afraid of what this might do to us as a couple. we're young, and i want us to be happy and carefree together. is it going to daunt on us forever? i rather it daunt on me only. but then i think that i couldnt live without telling him.
i am so so confused. I know you are all mothers here, so please don't judge me. I need some advice, or just some words, it would help so much.
I wrote an essay!
thank you for reading. lucy