Can I talk about my abortion? Please don't read if you feel strongly against it. I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

[nowwhatdoido]

I posted a while back on relationships about my situation. Failing marriage ( relationship of 15 years ), three children, very unhappy. Then I discovered I was very accidently pregnant. We had sex once that month, using a condom, had no idea it had failed at the time. If I'd known I'd have used the morning after pill I have in my bathroom cabinet.

After five weeks of agonising over my decision, I decided to have an abortion. I'd thought about it the first week, thought I could never go through with it, and decided to keep the baby. I tried, I really tried to get my head around it. I told a few friends, tried to start looking forward to a fourth child. But it didn't feel right from the start. My husband wanted me to have an abortion, I was suffering horrendous morning sickness, I was really struggling with my three children, I just couldn't bring another baby into this mess. It wouldn't be fair on my three children, who I basically raise single handedly. They will all be in school next year, they need a lot of attention ( Aspergers amongst other things ).

They need a happy strong mother, and I really feel that another baby would push me over the limit. But, you know, these feeling I was having were alien to me. I'd always been so broody. I loved having my babies. It was the happiest time of my life, when they were small. I knew what I'd be giving up. Honestly, this has been the hardest decision of my life.

So, I had a surgical abortion on Friday. A friend gave me a lift to the hospital and picked me up afterwards ( the only person who knows about from husband )It was a long tough lonely day. There were three other girls there, all with a sister or a friend. I was alone, and the oldest by 15 years. The staff were wonderful. So kind.

I feel totally wiped out, alone, sad, lonely. I know I made the right decision, and I know I'll feel better, but right now I could just curl up in a ball. Nobody knows, nobody will know, and it's such a lonely painful experience. I'm putting a face on and pretending everything's normal.

You know? Even the people I had to lie to and say I'd had a miscarriage, offered no sympathy. I think maybe they were embarrassed, didn't know what to say.

I'm not asking for any advice, but I feel the need to not keep it bottled up inside.

They do, need a happy, strong, snae mother, and having another baby would have been the straw that broke the camel's back probably.

I feel sorry for you, because nobody wants an abortion. What they want is not to have had to make such a horrible choice. so i feel sorry for you that you had to make such an upsetting decision.

i don't care if it's un-mumsnettly, but here and lots of them.

I think you're really brave for sharing this with us and I hope that talking about it here can give you an outlet and help you come to terms with everything that has happened.
i had a termination quite a few years ago now, and like you say it's the absolute hardest decision you will ever, ever have to make.

I'm so sorry you are having such a shitty time.
What a horrible choice you've had to make.

Have a very unmumsnetty hug [hug]

you poor thing

I'm sorry you're going through such a horrible time. It does sound like you made the best decision for yourself and your family - it sounds very hard and painful. Maybe you could think about having some counselling so that you've got someone to talk to about all of this? I hope things start to get better for you very soon.

Well, I have no experience, opinion or advice to offer your specific situation, but I couldn't just let this go without posting to offer a hug. Hang on in there: you are stronger than you think. But please be kind to yourself.

To go with your unmumsnetty hugs I'm making you a nice cup of tea right now, and opening a packet of chocolate hobnobs....

Just be kind to yourself and take it easy. And you know we are always here

It seems to me that deep down you feel okay with the decision you made and that's the most important thing.
You made the decision and from what it seems, it was the right one for you and your family.

An abortion must be the hardest decision ever to make but you sound like a very strong woman and although I'm sure you'll feel understandably sad for a long time, I'm sure you think it was right for you. You were thinking not only of yourself but of your other three children and also your marriage.

I think the people who you told you had a miscarriage to, were just lost for words to comfort you; they weren't purposefully being unsympathetic I'm sure.
I hope you feel a little stronger having posted on here anyway.

I have no similar experience but strongly suspect I would have done the same. Can offer no practical advice except to say you went with gut feeling [same as I would have] and massive

I do feel better for having posted here, and all your kind words are really helping. I don't feel quite so alone now. The internet's a weird and wonderful thing. Thank you.

Nobody wants a abortion hun, and nobody wants a accidental pregnancy either.... I think you made the right decision for your circumstances and thats whats its all about! Dont feel bad about it, you have 3 other children who need there mum! I am a single parent and have a 4 yr old son, i accidently got pregnant 2 yrs ago and had a abortion. I know that the decision i made was right for me and my lil man. He has now been diagnosed with 22q11 deletion syndrome and im so releived that i can just concentrate on him and his needs.

A friend of mine told me recently that she had had an abortion of IVF'd twins, because she was single (planned), was feeling horribly sick, and reading between the lines, was horribly scared about what was about to happen.

So even planned babies (and ones someone has suffered IVF for) sometimes are just too much for someone to bear. Even though I am a mother, and I don't think I could go through with an abortion, I am also a human being, as are all the other MNers who have posted here. You are human. You are also a mother, and you are trying to do your best for your children. They need you, not a wreck. Please don't think this is a failure of love. How sad is it for children whose mothers cannot love them?

Good luck with all of this. X

You've done a very hard thing for the good of your children and yourself. You've been brave, and strong. Now give yourself a break and do what's necessary to look after yourself.
good luck

WingedVictoria, as a mother, I too never ever thought I could go through with an abortion either. Sometimes life throws huge surprises at you.

Luciemule, I know you are right about the people who didn't know what to say to me about the miscarriage. I felt terrible for lying to them in the first place, and then when the didn't even say anything to me, it just left me feeling really sorry for myself, in my fragile state.

Sometimes, as a mother, the most loving and responsible thing you can do is to have an abortion.

I'm really sorry that this has happened to you.

A lot of Mumsnetters have had abortions. Some have sailed on; others of us have struggled with grief and guilt afterwards. There's no right way to feel, but you must be sure that you deserve support and understanding to help you heal and move on.

Other people are often (usually, in my experience) rubbish at dealing with pregnancy loss, be it abortion, miscarriage or stillbirth. It can be hard to find the understanding and comfort you need. Seek that support here, or anywhere you can. And be gentle with yourself; it will get better, but it will take time.

I don't mean to say I wouldn't ever do it. That could be what frightens people when they think about abortion.

You really don't have to justify your decision, or keep telling yourself you made the 'right' one.

IME, you need to grieve. It's truly horrible. Even the 'right' decision carries a world of pain. Let yourself feel it.

It took me a long time to forgive myself. But I did.

Good luck

are you ashamed of your decision? id really hope that if it was me i could tell a friend who wouldnt judge me. maybe talking it through with someone could help? instead of having to pretend?

fwiw, i think id have done the same in your shoes, really sorry your feeling so rubbish with it all. good luck.

thankyou for sharing this, from someone who who has had to make this decision.
the ladies on here have been so supportive. You have made the right decision, and it is a lonely one to make. xhugx

You probably still have hormones in your system and also you've just been through a procedure... so give yourself time, you will feel better soon!

I'm not ashamed of my decision, but I am very aware that it is a very taboo and emotive subject.

I have a one friend I am speaking to about it, she has been wonderful.

And yes, I am feeling hormonal and very tired after the op.

Thanks again everyone.

My thoughts are with you. It is a very difficult and lonely time. I remember when I had one about 7 yrs ago, I also felt very lonely, there was a lot of guilt as well, but now I have 2 beautiful dds and another baby due in 8 weeks, and although it was a terrible time then, I am so grateful for what I have now. Cherish your children and trust that you have done what is right, as a mother.

Hello now'

I had my termination in January. Hard to believe that this time last year (finding out I was pregnant) my life was falling apart. I didn't want 3 children, only 2 & I had that. We had a condom failure the one & only time I felt ready to have sex after the birth of dd.

Dr refused to refer me for tubal ligation as I asked when dd2 was only 6 weeks. He said that I was having an 'emotional reaction to a traumatic birth' when in reality I had a smooth elec c section & had asked my surgical team to tie my tubes, but they said it wasn't hospital policy as it isn't guaranteed after a csection, too swollen etc. (double standards tho as the same hospital tied my friends tubes at her section)

A couple of friends know, dh obviously. Friend took me to the hospital & stayed with me while dh had time off work to care for the girls. I was there all day.

It was hard, even tho I knew it was the right thing to do. I suffer terribly in pregnancy, pre pre-eclampsia, constant sickness, carpal tunnel, spd. I just could not put my body through it again. I also didn't want to start all over again with the newborn stage, as bf-ing dd was very hard & took everything out of me.

I know that I made the right choice for me & my family, but it was hard none the less. I'd cry everyday because I was so scared & felt so helpless. I didn't ever want to have an abortion, but I wanted a 3rd baby less. I prayed to see blood each time I used the toilet so I didn't have to have an abortion. I actually wondered whether crashing my car would make me miscarry, but I was too worried that I would get hurt & I couldn't do that to my girls & dh.

This sums up how I felt very well... "I wish I had never been put in a position where I believed it was necessary for me to have one, but I don't wish I could go back and change my mind" (posted by mumsnetter, name unknown)

I only told 1 person that I had miscarried & that was because I had to explain a prolonged absence from a club I ran, and then eventually stepped down from. I didn't have the courage to tell her I had aborted it.

You don't have to explain anything to anyone. Look for comfort from your own family & those that know. Seek counselling too, I spoke to a lovely lady who deals with terminations all the time & she made me realise that

1. I am not a bad person
2. I deserve to be happy with my choice (I had somehow thought it was wrong to feel nothing but huge relief afterwards
3. My reasons for terminating were valid

Take care of yourself, I wish you a speedy recovery, both physically & emotionally!