Can I talk about my abortion? Please don't read if you feel strongly against it. I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

[nowwhatdoido]

I posted a while back on relationships about my situation. Failing marriage ( relationship of 15 years ), three children, very unhappy. Then I discovered I was very accidently pregnant. We had sex once that month, using a condom, had no idea it had failed at the time. If I'd known I'd have used the morning after pill I have in my bathroom cabinet.

After five weeks of agonising over my decision, I decided to have an abortion. I'd thought about it the first week, thought I could never go through with it, and decided to keep the baby. I tried, I really tried to get my head around it. I told a few friends, tried to start looking forward to a fourth child. But it didn't feel right from the start. My husband wanted me to have an abortion, I was suffering horrendous morning sickness, I was really struggling with my three children, I just couldn't bring another baby into this mess. It wouldn't be fair on my three children, who I basically raise single handedly. They will all be in school next year, they need a lot of attention ( Aspergers amongst other things ).

They need a happy strong mother, and I really feel that another baby would push me over the limit. But, you know, these feeling I was having were alien to me. I'd always been so broody. I loved having my babies. It was the happiest time of my life, when they were small. I knew what I'd be giving up. Honestly, this has been the hardest decision of my life.

So, I had a surgical abortion on Friday. A friend gave me a lift to the hospital and picked me up afterwards ( the only person who knows about from husband )It was a long tough lonely day. There were three other girls there, all with a sister or a friend. I was alone, and the oldest by 15 years. The staff were wonderful. So kind.

I feel totally wiped out, alone, sad, lonely. I know I made the right decision, and I know I'll feel better, but right now I could just curl up in a ball. Nobody knows, nobody will know, and it's such a lonely painful experience. I'm putting a face on and pretending everything's normal.

You know? Even the people I had to lie to and say I'd had a miscarriage, offered no sympathy. I think maybe they were embarrassed, didn't know what to say.

I'm not asking for any advice, but I feel the need to not keep it bottled up inside.

[Lulumama]

it sounds as though you made the right decision for you and your family. even though that was a terribly hard decision, deep down,it was the right thing. does not mean it is the right thing for everyone, but it was for you , and that is all that matters

hope you are feeling a bit brighter soon

[nowwhatdoido]

differentnameforthis, thank you. You pretty much sum up exactly how I'm feeling. Your post has been very helpful.

Yesterday, four days after the termination, I felt exactly like I had the baby blues, totally hormonal I guess, but very weird all the same. I had no idea that even though I was only 8.5 weeks pg the hormonal reaction would be so strong. It was a really tough day.

Today, I have spent some time with a very good friend who knows, and feel much better.

[differentnameforthis]

Now, you are more than welcome!

Terminations are a very emotive subject, as you said, it is hard to feel comfortable confiding in anyone about needing/wanting one. Thankfully a friend that I confided in (who took me to hospital) had to do the same years previously due to very ill health.

It was not really a choice for me, I was determined that I couldn't have a 3rd, so it wasn't like the 'choice' was hard. But the thought that I was having to do it tortured me!

You will feel better...I promise. I guess I am just coming out of the other end of my experience. It has taken me almost a yr to deal, but you may be different.

Please don't ever think what you did was wrong. Or that your reasons weren't valid. Look after yourself & remember to think about all the reasons behind your choice, not the what ifs. I hardly think of what my life would be like with a 3rd now, certainly never think of it with regret. Just that I did what I had to.

My dr said to me that she admired me. She admired my strength to go ahead and do something that, albeit hard for me, was the best thing for my family. Not just to have the baby because it 'happened'. I guess for sticking to my principals that there was no way I would bring an unwanted child into this world.

Keep strong & let me know if you want to chat off board.