Facing termination at 9 weeks pregnancy

[ThatRoseMaker]

Hello, this is very difficult to write but I can see that you’re a very supportive community to one another & could do with just airing my current situation.

im 8 weeks & 4 days pregnant at the age of almost 38yrs & it has been a complete shock; I was told back in 2018 after endoscopy surgery that my endometriosis & pcos had rendered me infertile and that the chances of me naturally conceiving were next to none. I have 1 dear son who is almost 13, born in 2011; I tried for 7 years to conceive a sibling for my son & years of negative tests failed to produce my 2nd child; I’ve grieved heavily over this, I’ve mourned over this & I even tried to convince for another year after the he doctor’s infertility diagnosis out of sheer determination.

its taken me years to come to terms & make peace with my infertility & to be grateful and cherish the one child that I do have.

fast forward to today; im divorced from my sons father, where we now co-parent my beautiful son 50-50. After learning to heal from the trauma of the end of the marriage and unfortunately SA & r*pe that occurred to me outside of that marriage (a short term boyfriend after I separated from husband) a few years ago, I’ve only began to live my life again…I’ve been studying for 12 months & taking up a new job area and felt the most happy & stable since post divorce.

3 weeks ago I learnt I’m pregnant from a one night stand with a man who lives on the other side of the country; I have no interest in a relationship with this man as I’ve been happily single for almost 3 years now. Since I learnt of the pregnancy I’ve felt every emotion imaginable; old grief reopened, shock that I can even conceive, pain that this beautiful gift of a pregnancy didn’t occur when I was desperately trying for year after year, mourning over having to let the pregnancy go.

in the 3 short weeks of finding out I’m pregnant I’ve heavily bonded with it & my maternal instincts & heart are fiercely wanting to protect & nuture the child I’m carrying; the child I never though would ever be possible, but now is here. I’m in complete grief at what I’m about to do & know I will never forgive myself for letting this baby go. I feel evil & horrible & im a huge pro-choice advocate but for my personal experience it is feeling unbearable.

the pregnancy for me is a miracle, a gift, a blessing but in the wrong circumstances & situation. I’ve already imagined this baby from newborn, infancy, childhood & teen years; the joys and hardships visualised to the point I’m mentally, emotionally & physically exhausted

I desperately want to keep this child more than I can say; but logic & rational takes over to tell me my dream is not realistic nor sustainable as I’d be a single mum at the age of 39, with no father to co-parent or help & very little support in terms of family to practically & physically help me raise this child. I’m thinking long term sustainability & whether I could do this with no respite, no break, no help, no other person to assist.

I’ve thought about how I’d cope through exhaustion, when I’m ill or unwell & it scares me to think about how I may fail at being a single mum despite being a brilliant mum to my current 13 year old son.

my son is also autistic & in SEN school due to his needs; I worry massively about the impact a newborn & toddler crying would have upon him and the guilt I’d feel at his distress & me having to decide my attention between baby & him. id get half of the week where my son is with his father, but I’m fearful the baby would push my son away from me.

although i desperately in my heart want to keep this child & wish the pregnancy had occurred in the years where I tried, I feel logically I have to let it go because of my situation- I have been crying to the point of panic every day for weeks now & know it will take me a good year to truly recover from this if that’s even possible

im booked with BPAS (I cancelled my 1st termination appointment at 6wks of pg) I was assessed on Monday at 8wks & I’m due to face surgical termination at 9-10wks
ive had two counselling appointments with them & have self-referred to perinatal mental health team as I’m so distraught at what I’m about to do.

everyone involved is aware I’m attached even bonded to the pregnancy but are aware that my situation is what is making me conclude to terminate

I do not want any of this & find myself just wishing I wasn’t here at all - a feeling I’ve not struggled with in over 18 months after so much living and happiness

thank you for allowing me to share this. Any advice or thoughts from those in similar situation to me would be greatly appreciated
thank you

I am so sorry you are finding yourself in this position. From reading your post I get the sense that you really want to keep the baby. Are you really sure this is not an option for you? Women have done it before and maybe you could to? I hope you do find clarity with the situation.

I am pro choice too, but I think in your shoes i would keep the baby.

Every one of your points is valid and it's clear you have carefully considered the options. Undoubtably keeping the baby is a risk for all the reasons you've listed but what about the other possibilities?

Your son is with his dad 50% of the time, so you do actually have quite a lot of time to devote to this new child.

Your son may flourish as a big brother, it may be a positive.

You can build support networks, sign up for NCT classes, actively develop local relationships, use a nursery or childminder even if it isn't necessary for childcare to work, it's useful to have consistent childcare and could be good for the days when your son is with you so that you have some dedicated time for him.

You don't want a relationship with the ONS, but you don't have to have one, you could tell him and discover that he does want to be involved in the child's life and that would give you options for co-parenting, he may not and at least then you know. There's no requirement for a romantic relationship though.

What I'm trying to say in all that waffle is that you've listed out the Cons but have you considered the Pros because as far as I can see if you do decide to terminate the pregnancy it is going to affect you emotionally and that's something that you may not get over.

You can get government help for two children (but not three) if that helps at all. Depends abit on how your sen ds would react. Many 13 year olds would love having a younger sibling.

Your ds may prefer to spend more time with his dad or friends in his teens in any case giving you a lot more freedom

It really sounds like you want this baby OP, and that there are some real risks to your mental health if you terminate (I'm pro-choice). Could you schedule some counselling with the BPAS? They are trained to be neutral.

My mum had me at 38. She is the best mum! There was a nine year gap between my brother and myself because she struggled to conceive.
I barely saw my dad growing up but I grew up just fine.

Finances came and went too, but we were always okay.
If I were you I would have the baby, OP.

Fwiw I found it much easier to parent 100% solo than any co-parenting.

You get to be the boss and do everything that suits you.

Pro choice means you choose what's best for you.

You really do sound like you want to keep this pregnancy. You'll manage, you got this

Thank you all so much for your beautiful advice. I’ll write a response post soon with more input. But just wanted to express my thanks to you as I am grateful.

Ive informed the father of my pregnancy & he has voiced termination as his preference. I’ve explained to him why this would be devastating to me & have also explained that if I moved forward with keeping the pregnancy then I wouldn’t ever expect anything from him & would take full responsibility to raise my baby.

I have another week or so to settle on a decision & at this point I need to really focus on what I want instead of letting other people’s fears enter into my headspace.

again I’m very grateful & wanted to thank each of you for taking the time to respond to my post.

Completely different situation but I am also 9 weeks pregnant with a baby I thought I'd never conceive. I was saving for IVF. Found out at 5 weeks, it was twins and I lost one at 7 weeks. So flash forward and week 8 and out of nowhere, over me being exhausted and not myself, my partner ended our relationship, which also means I have no home as it was his house. I am now back at my mothers house feeling like my entire world is so unsuitable for a baby. But I love it, already I do. It's so hard when your heart is so invested but your brain is so worried about the reality.
I have no advice, I am continuing my pregnancy and I will do my best to sort things before this little one arrives. But I really do get that conflict, so I am sending you a lot of love and support. You will make the right decision for you, but don't let your age or you being a solo parent be the sole decision maker here. You are a strong, independent mother already.

The 'Father' has absolutely no say in this situation. You really sound like you want this baby, you sound like a strong, sensible woman, you can make this work. Keep your baby. Wishing you all the best.

Just reading your posts suggest to me that you want to keep the baby. Ignore the father - it's totally your decision. Wishing you all the best whatever you decide

OP, I'm sending you all the love & support I possibly can!! 🫶

This may sound a little weird/mad; but are you anywhere near Bristol?
It sounds like you could do with a friend, and I'd love to make you a cuppa tea & just listen to you

this 100%

I would also say keep the baby or at least if you genuinely feel you can not keep the pregnancy then put the baby up for adoption. The baby could still lead a lovely life.

However given your circumstances I think you should keep the baby you’re just scared. Don’t make a decision your heart doesn’t feel is right because once it’s done, you can’t undo it.

you sound like a lovely person and a great mum. Look at all the positives that could come from this. It will be difficult at times but life is anyway. You got this mama x

It really sounds like you don’t want to terminate but you feel it’s your only choice.
It really does sound like you’ll regret it.
It’ll be hard but there’s so many positives- getting to experience the baby and watching them grow and your son may surprise you and love being a big brother! And he’s only with you 50% of the time so lots of time for baby
Im completely pro choice but it really doesn’t sound like you want it and will regret it!

Having a baby is a big responsibility and of course, you're right to be cautious. But if the idea of an abortion was doing this to me, I'd be keeping the baby.

Have the baby, you will not regret giving life over taking it. Even if you put the baby up for adoption that will be giving an infertile couple the chance to be parents. But if I was you I’d keep the baby, you will make it work and it will be the making of your son. All the best x

From your message...
"I know I will never forgive myself for letting this baby go."

"I desperately want to keep this child more than I can say"

"although i desperately in my heart want to keep this child"

No one else's opinion matters but your own. And it sounds like you just need to be really really brave and listen to your gut, because it is telling you what's right for you ❤️ It will all be ok ❤️

Also, there are a lot of assumptions about the impact on your son, but they're all negative. Have you allowed yourself to wonder what if the impact is positive?

I am an avid pro-choicer. I terminated a very wanted and planned and pregnancy at sixteen weeks for medical reasons this year. We wanted the baby so so much but they were severely disabled and would have needed surgeries etc. there was a chance they weren’t going to survive, or, I wasn’t going to.

if you want a terminate a pregnancy. Yes it’s hard for a few months, but if you go ahead with it your life is changed forever and it seems like you don’t want your life to change. Guilt does happen but it does get easier and you don’t have to keep a baby just because you love it, you can terminate because you love your life more.

I feel very conscious most people are telling you to keep it. I just wanted to give a different perspective because I don’t think you’d of even considered termination if you didn’t want it.

Keep your rainbow, miracle baby x congratulations

If you desperately want your baby, you'll make it work.

Sometimes life works in mysterious ways. This is the miracle baby you have always longed for.

Keep the baby. And as a sidenote, I'd be having very strong words with the doctors who deemed you "infertile".

What did you decide to do OP?
I hope, which ever choice you made, you are at peace with it

Hello everyone, I know this is a very late reply since I posted 6 months ago but I wanted to share the news;

I decided to keep the pregnancy & I’m due to meet my baby boy in under 3 weeks time. I wanted to thank you all for your support, non judgement & understanding back in those early, unsure and scary days.

im 100% committed and after some hard work over the past half year, my house is ready to welcome my son in just a few weeks time.

watching & feeling him grow has been a beautiful journey and I’ve been able to feel happy and excited about my baby and the pregnancy, despite the father choosing to not be in our life’s.

I feel truly fortunate that I decided to go with my heart and that in just a few weeks, my son will be in my life, in my arms, by my side and meeting his older brother. This baby is a true miracle to me after 14 years of infertility.

im so ready to meet him now & fully believe I have the wherewithal, resilience, love and determination to be a single mother, despite never planning on doing so originally. In fact I couldn’t imagine not having him in my life.

im 37 weeks & 4 days pregnant, have attended all the antenatal classes, got my postpartum community connections in place as well as a postpartum recovery plan in place - my parents live close by and will be essentially living with me for a month to help me recover from the birth

thank you so much again; I have everything I need…just awaiting baby boy to join me now.