Hello, this is very difficult to write but I can see that you’re a very supportive community to one another & could do with just airing my current situation.
im 8 weeks & 4 days pregnant at the age of almost 38yrs & it has been a complete shock; I was told back in 2018 after endoscopy surgery that my endometriosis & pcos had rendered me infertile and that the chances of me naturally conceiving were next to none. I have 1 dear son who is almost 13, born in 2011; I tried for 7 years to conceive a sibling for my son & years of negative tests failed to produce my 2nd child; I’ve grieved heavily over this, I’ve mourned over this & I even tried to convince for another year after the he doctor’s infertility diagnosis out of sheer determination.
its taken me years to come to terms & make peace with my infertility & to be grateful and cherish the one child that I do have.
fast forward to today; im divorced from my sons father, where we now co-parent my beautiful son 50-50. After learning to heal from the trauma of the end of the marriage and unfortunately SA & r*pe that occurred to me outside of that marriage (a short term boyfriend after I separated from husband) a few years ago, I’ve only began to live my life again…I’ve been studying for 12 months & taking up a new job area and felt the most happy & stable since post divorce.
3 weeks ago I learnt I’m pregnant from a one night stand with a man who lives on the other side of the country; I have no interest in a relationship with this man as I’ve been happily single for almost 3 years now. Since I learnt of the pregnancy I’ve felt every emotion imaginable; old grief reopened, shock that I can even conceive, pain that this beautiful gift of a pregnancy didn’t occur when I was desperately trying for year after year, mourning over having to let the pregnancy go.
in the 3 short weeks of finding out I’m pregnant I’ve heavily bonded with it & my maternal instincts & heart are fiercely wanting to protect & nuture the child I’m carrying; the child I never though would ever be possible, but now is here. I’m in complete grief at what I’m about to do & know I will never forgive myself for letting this baby go. I feel evil & horrible & im a huge pro-choice advocate but for my personal experience it is feeling unbearable.
the pregnancy for me is a miracle, a gift, a blessing but in the wrong circumstances & situation. I’ve already imagined this baby from newborn, infancy, childhood & teen years; the joys and hardships visualised to the point I’m mentally, emotionally & physically exhausted
I desperately want to keep this child more than I can say; but logic & rational takes over to tell me my dream is not realistic nor sustainable as I’d be a single mum at the age of 39, with no father to co-parent or help & very little support in terms of family to practically & physically help me raise this child. I’m thinking long term sustainability & whether I could do this with no respite, no break, no help, no other person to assist.
I’ve thought about how I’d cope through exhaustion, when I’m ill or unwell & it scares me to think about how I may fail at being a single mum despite being a brilliant mum to my current 13 year old son.
my son is also autistic & in SEN school due to his needs; I worry massively about the impact a newborn & toddler crying would have upon him and the guilt I’d feel at his distress & me having to decide my attention between baby & him. id get half of the week where my son is with his father, but I’m fearful the baby would push my son away from me.
although i desperately in my heart want to keep this child & wish the pregnancy had occurred in the years where I tried, I feel logically I have to let it go because of my situation- I have been crying to the point of panic every day for weeks now & know it will take me a good year to truly recover from this if that’s even possible
im booked with BPAS (I cancelled my 1st termination appointment at 6wks of pg) I was assessed on Monday at 8wks & I’m due to face surgical termination at 9-10wks
ive had two counselling appointments with them & have self-referred to perinatal mental health team as I’m so distraught at what I’m about to do.
everyone involved is aware I’m attached even bonded to the pregnancy but are aware that my situation is what is making me conclude to terminate
I do not want any of this & find myself just wishing I wasn’t here at all - a feeling I’ve not struggled with in over 18 months after so much living and happiness
thank you for allowing me to share this. Any advice or thoughts from those in similar situation to me would be greatly appreciated
thank you