Just been giving results

[feelingguilty001]

Bit of background. Me and DH had always said we weren't too fussed about having kids but if it happened then it happened if not then we weren't going to try. We have a very comfortable life and kids never came into the equation. We are both career orientated and have lived by the mantra work hard play harder.

I discovered I was pregnant (late 30s). We opted to have all tests done due to my age. My original plan was to hold off telling anyone about the pregnancy until this was complete and we knew everything was ok but due to severe morning sickness people have found out I am also past the 12 week mark so I assume people thought it was ok to share.

we've just had the test results back and have had it has been confirmed our baby has Down syndrome. We have decided that termination would be best for us for a variety of reasons. We do understand nothing guaranteed but what we can control we are.

One of the big deciding factors for us was watching a very good friend of ours facing difficulties since the moment her son was born (has Down syndrome and various other medical issues, along with autism). He is non verbal, is disabled and will need care his whole life. She has become a SAHM single mum and practically lost her identity and her own life. Don't get me wrong she does a wonderful job and I'm amazed at the milestones they have reached but this is not the life I would want for me and my child. she is consistently sharing things for pro life and has a huge issue with late termination due to diagnosis in the womb. Forever sharing statistics etc about termination rates.

I know that many people with Down syndrome lead normal lives but us a couple have decided it's not the way for us. I'm now worried about speaking to my friend to discuss why we have decided on termination (unfortunately she knows - my sister mentioned it to her in passing I was pregnant). I know I don't have to explain anything to anyone but I do need to explain something. I don't want to lose a friendship over this but I feel this could be the case, as I'm effectively going what she is so against.

How would others go about this? Any mums on here in a similar situation to my friend? how would take the news?

[WellOneDoesWonder]

Do you have to state to anyone the reason you are terminating your pregnancy?

[whoneedssixteen]

I would say nothing - you lost your baby. If people ask just say "I lost the baby" - which is true. I would tell no-one. Not their business. People will judge - and this will only cause your friend pain. I'm sorry - this is very hard.

[CabinetofMonstrosities]

You don’t need to discuss it. This is your business only.

”We decided a termination was best for us”.

If she tries to engage on it, Drop the rope, walk away. It might be the end of the friendship but if it is, then it is.

There will be no way to change her mind. You make the right decision for yourself.

[JessicaFletcherInvestigates]

I agree, would just say you lost it. It's absolutely nobody's business. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

[Jennalong]

You don't have to give reasons .
If you feel you do , you could say you started to bleed , had a scan and there was no heartbeat.

[Miloandfreddy]

I agree fully with the posters above. 'Unfortunately I lost the baby', is all you need to say. (Your choice and no-ones business but your own)

[shugarsuz]

Sorry for what you're going through ❤️
Agree with above, you do not have to tell anyone anything and nobody is entitled to any details, nobody should be asking follow up questions to you saying you lost the baby aside from giving condolences and offering help ❤️
Maybe put her on mute on social media for a while too.

[Solonelyy]

You don’t have to give anyone an explanation. As others have said, all you need to say is ‘I lost the baby’. Folk will not question it

[marsbaralert]

You lost the baby.

No further discussion needed.

If your friend does find out it was a termination and the friendship is lost then so be it.

Do what you feel is right for you.

[Solonelyy]

Sorry for what you are going thru, this must have been such a hard decision, but only you know what is best for you. Sending love

[benjoin]

You don't have to give reasons "unfortunately pregnancy ended" is enough

[SameBoats]

This happened to me, it was quite a few years ago now. Hardly any people were informed as quite frankly it’s none of their business. There is a good charity called ARC https://www.arc-uk.org/

They are a completely non judgemental charity who give advice. I ended up joining their forums for support.

It’s a sad time but as I had the option to terminate I did. I didn’t want to potentially have to give up my career. Plus what happens after you die? I have another child and there is no way I wanted to have them feel like they needed to ever become a carer. Plus people with learning difficulties are just generally so vulnerable. I had worked with students with additional needs and seen the struggles.

You will be ok though sad, take care of yourself.

[feelingguilty001]

Thanks all I think I'm just worried that people will ask what happened. It's not something I would ever do but just wasn't sure if people would or not.

I hate lying as miscarriage is a horrible thing for people to go through and I don't feel like I deserve the sympathy when I have made this decision myself

[bilbodog]

OP i agree with others that you just say you lost the baby. Its a horrible situation to be in - my daughter had to do this 5 months ago for the same reason as you. Wishing you all the best.

[feelingguilty001]

@SameBoats

This happened to me, it was quite a few years ago now. Hardly any people were informed as quite frankly it’s none of their business. There is a good charity called ARC https://www.arc-uk.org/

They are a completely non judgemental charity who give advice. I ended up joining their forums for support.

It’s a sad time but as I had the option to terminate I did. I didn’t want to potentially have to give up my career. Plus what happens after you die? I have another child and there is no way I wanted to have them feel like they needed to ever become a carer. Plus people with learning difficulties are just generally so vulnerable. I had worked with students with additional needs and seen the struggles.

You will be ok though sad, take care of yourself.

Everything you have said are my thoughts exactly only I don't have other children.

I will have a look at that website thanks.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@feelingguilty001

Thanks all I think I'm just worried that people will ask what happened. It's not something I would ever do but just wasn't sure if people would or not.

I hate lying as miscarriage is a horrible thing for people to go through and I don't feel like I deserve the sympathy when I have made this decision myself

A tfmr is different to an abortion because you had a pregnancy you didn't want. You would have kept this baby if they didn't have DS so regardless of people's thoughts on it, you are losing this baby due to factors outside of your control. So if you don't want to go into it, I'd stick to "we lost the baby" rather than "we had a miscarriage" and only share full details with people you trust.

[ladygindiva]

@CabinetofMonstrosities

You don’t need to discuss it. This is your business only.

”We decided a termination was best for us”.

If she tries to engage on it, Drop the rope, walk away. It might be the end of the friendship but if it is, then it is.

There will be no way to change her mind. You make the right decision for yourself.

I agree with this but also you don't have to tell people your private medical records; a simple " the pregnancys sadly not happening/ended" will do and it's your right to refuse to discuss/ explain any further.

[GoodnightAdeline]

@ladygindiva

I agree with this but also you don't have to tell people your private medical records; a simple " the pregnancys sadly not happening/ended" will do and it's your right to refuse to discuss/ explain any further.

Yes, I agree. You do NOT need to justify ending your pregnancy to anybody, or how it ended, and what you choose to do has absolutely no bearing on the value of her son’s life. I would recommend not telling her and if she finds out and confronts you, cutting her off.

[GoodnightAdeline]

Also, and I hope you dont mind me asking, but did your friend actually know her child had Downs before he was born? The fiercest advocates for pro life and anti-NIPT tend to be parents that didn’t even know their child had downs until birth - so they didn’t actually make the choice to have a disabled child. But they expect others to, because they say so.

[feelingguilty001]

@GoodnightAdeline

Also, and I hope you dont mind me asking, but did your friend actually know her child had Downs before he was born? The fiercest advocates for pro life and anti-NIPT tend to be parents that didn’t even know their child had downs until birth - so they didn’t actually make the choice to have a disabled child. But they expect others to, because they say so.

Not 100% sure but I think likely as she never mentioned it being something as a shock at birth. He did have lots of health issues at birth too and was in hospital for months. Having him has caused her marriage to fail, she admits that her husband didn't want kids then with all the added care needed and stress he left. I can understand that even if i don't fully agree with it.

The odd thing is though she was like me before becoming pregnant, had no interest in kids with a really amazing job, money in the bank etc. Both her and her husband would say kids weren't for them, they loved the life they were leading. She even said she point blank didn't want them. We were more of the thought process of well don't want to plan them but if it happens then we'll get on with it. This is why I'm so shocked that she's so pro life.

[marsbaralert]

@feelingguilty001

Thanks all I think I'm just worried that people will ask what happened. It's not something I would ever do but just wasn't sure if people would or not.

I hate lying as miscarriage is a horrible thing for people to go through and I don't feel like I deserve the sympathy when I have made this decision myself

You just say you don’t want to talk about it right now.
Most people will back off and leave you alone at that point.

[twoforwardandtwoback]

Op, I have been in the same situation and generally just tell people I lost the baby.

Occasionally, if it's a close friend I trust slightly more, I might say we terminated because the baby had problems. Very few people know about the T21 diagnosis.

I second reaching out to ARC for support and to join their forum - this has been a great source of support for me - being able to be open about things without fear of judgement.

I really feel for you as this is a tough friendship given your circumstances.

You have to do what's right for you and your child.

[dreadisabaddog]

I'm sorry for what's happening to you OP. FWIW I'd do the same as you.

I also wouldn't mention anything to your friend. I have a friend who has a child with a severe disability due to accident at birth that means lifelong care. She had another friend (different circle) whose child had the same disability albeit a less severe version according to her, and they put their child up for adoption. It was the end of that friendship.

I wish you all the best and hope you're alright x

[LenaLamont]

Your reasons and outcomes are none of anyone's business. "We lost the baby" and as necesary "I'd prefer not to talk about it."

[WinterDeWinter]

I think 'unfortunately we lost the pregnancy' is the only way to go Op. It's true. I think if you tell her you had a termination you will be forced to say why and that will be very inflammatory given her situation. It's really sad, you are both losing out in this situation, but I think it's the only way.

Wishing you good luck and a speedy recovery.