Just been giving results

[feelingguilty001]

Bit of background. Me and DH had always said we weren't too fussed about having kids but if it happened then it happened if not then we weren't going to try. We have a very comfortable life and kids never came into the equation. We are both career orientated and have lived by the mantra work hard play harder.

I discovered I was pregnant (late 30s). We opted to have all tests done due to my age. My original plan was to hold off telling anyone about the pregnancy until this was complete and we knew everything was ok but due to severe morning sickness people have found out I am also past the 12 week mark so I assume people thought it was ok to share.

we've just had the test results back and have had it has been confirmed our baby has Down syndrome. We have decided that termination would be best for us for a variety of reasons. We do understand nothing guaranteed but what we can control we are.

One of the big deciding factors for us was watching a very good friend of ours facing difficulties since the moment her son was born (has Down syndrome and various other medical issues, along with autism). He is non verbal, is disabled and will need care his whole life. She has become a SAHM single mum and practically lost her identity and her own life. Don't get me wrong she does a wonderful job and I'm amazed at the milestones they have reached but this is not the life I would want for me and my child. she is consistently sharing things for pro life and has a huge issue with late termination due to diagnosis in the womb. Forever sharing statistics etc about termination rates.

I know that many people with Down syndrome lead normal lives but us a couple have decided it's not the way for us. I'm now worried about speaking to my friend to discuss why we have decided on termination (unfortunately she knows - my sister mentioned it to her in passing I was pregnant). I know I don't have to explain anything to anyone but I do need to explain something. I don't want to lose a friendship over this but I feel this could be the case, as I'm effectively going what she is so against.

How would others go about this? Any mums on here in a similar situation to my friend? how would take the news?

So sorry to read this. Agree with everyone else that it's none of anyone's business but yours. I would either say you lost the baby or if you're not comfortable with that then say you had a termination for medical reasons and if they are then so rude as to press for details just say you'd rather not discuss.

I have posted on here before, my baby was born with DS some years ago (post natal diagnosis) and was placed for adoption. That was the right path for me, and them as it has turned out. I typically don't tell people or discuss it as rightly or wrongly they judge. And those with children with DS are generally quite evangelical about them understandably as that is the path they have chosen.

Anyway, thoughts are with you. It's not easy either way.

So sorry, it's a hard thing to go through. I terminated a T21 pregnancy after fertility issues and previous losses. It was a hellish time but also the right decision for us as a couple.

I told people that we lost the pregnancy. I did tell a few that we terminated for medical reasons and no one asked what the problems were so I wouldn't worry. I told very few that it was because of DS that we terminated, only my parents and close friends that I knew wouldn't judge my decision.

Sending strength ❤️

Also, as someone that has undergone fertility treatment and miscarriages, I would never judge anyone for terminating a pregnancy for any reason whatsoever.

Hello

Firstly I am so sorry you are going through this. It is such a rollercoaster.

We had a TFMR for T18 (Edwards Syndrome) in October, it was our first baby, I was almost 39 and it had taken 18 months to conceive. Very much wanted but I was never in any doubt that we had to terminate.

I am now 7 weeks pregnant again and even though we very much want a child, if it was T21 this time, I wouldn't keep it, as I just know I wouldn't want that life for myself.

I agree that ARC is very good, they have a great private forum only for those who have had a TFMR.

You have to do what is right for you.

I have a few variants of the truth. For vague friends I tell them I lost a baby. For others I have told them the full truth and I haven't had one bit of negativity, I am maybe lucky but everyone has been so supportive.

Sending you lots of love. What a difficult situation. I terminated for t21 last year and was very open with extended friends and family, and thankfully received no judgement (at least openly so!). Work knew it was a TFMR but not the reason. However, if a close friend had a baby with DS I definitely would not have been honest with them. I also hate lying but in this instance I would lie and pretend it was a miscarriage, for both yours and your friend’s sake. Also after you go through the termination process that friendship might feel difficult for a while as you make sense of what has happened so do take care of yourself. X

Screw them. You do you. It's your decision and your life. Don't explain. I am terribly sorry for your loss

I agree with others, you lost the baby. It's true, you're not lying. You lost the life you imagined for your son/daughter and family. You are grieving x