Sadly ending my much wanted pregnancy

[WL111111111]

I’m worried about writing this as I know some people will believe I’m making the wrong decision. But sadly now my decision is made so I am just looking for some support from others who may be or have been in my situation or similar.

We’ve been trying for a baby for 3 years, undergoing fertility treatment for 18 months, with two failed attempts and one early miscarriage. Now we have the devastating news at 11 weeks that our baby has a chromosome abnormality. We’ve thought long and hard about what is best and for various personal reasons we feel ending the pregnancy is what we will have to do.
It’s not been an easy decision and I feel like a terrible person. I’m very worried I’ll never get over this, but part of me feels I never should. How have others coped with this feeling? I feel so sorry to my baby but deep down I know I’ve made the right decision. I have a huge sense of loss for him but also because we have also agreed we won’t try again. I think it’s time now we stopped putting ourselves through the pain.
I understand some people will disagree but as said, what I really need is support. It’s lonely not being able to feel you can tell people about this decision.

Op, I’ve not been in yr position, but it must be terribly difficult for you and your OH.
💐

I've not been in your position either, but you are not a terrible person. I'm sorry for your struggles and loss.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. Have a handhold from me .

I thought at 14 weeks that my baby had Edwards and this would be fatal from initial tests. My heart broke and I felt like my world was falling apart. Thankfully I found out the testing (screening and CVS) was flawed and my situation changed.

I would say if you are 100% confident in the tests and ultrasound findings, beyond all reasonable doubt - then you are making the right decision for you.

My heart goes out to you and I send love your way to get through this awful time xx

Thinking about you so, so, so much and just silently holding your hand / hugging you xx

btw I don't believe that babies "die", they just go back to heaven and wait to be born again, so you always get the baby you're supposed to get eventually my love xx 😇 👼❤️⭐️🥰🌟🙂xX

This must be awful for you. I would do the same in your position though. Thinking of you

you are so strong and are making the right decision for your baby, please don't beat yourself up

I havent been in exactly your position. However, my husband is a carrier of a genetic abnormality that was discovered after his sister was born and then died shortly after. There is a 50% chance that any child I have would also have this. We are both clear that we would terminate if we discovered a baby of ours had the chronosmonal abnormality. It is a personal choice, but for me it would be 100% the right decision. I dont believe there is any benefit in continuing a pregnancy that will bring anything but heartache to all concerned.

I havent been in that exact position, but I lost our (healthy) baby at 23 weeks, had a MMC (confirmed due to the genetic issue) and am currently undergoing IVF - I dont add that in a competitive way, but just to say whilst I havent been in your exact position I maybe have some understanding.

This is heartbreakingly awful and I am so sorry you're going through this. But to me, it would be the right decision.

hugs

No judgment here. You have had to make such a heartbreaking decision and I am another lucky one who hasn't been faced with your situation. Be kind to yourself.

Hi OP,

I have no advice but I just wanted to say you are in no way a terrible person. You are incredibly brave for making such a difficult decision. I'm sorry for everything you've been through

If your findings are solely on NIPT, please read the following. I know people who have terminated on NIPT in similar circumstances and deeply regretted it upon realising that in many instances NIPT is less than 50% accurate.

www.asa.org.uk/news/non-invasive-prenatal-testing-nipt-a-look-at-the-asa-s-rulings.html

www.itv.com/news/2019-11-20/ads-for-three-prenatal-genetic-test-firms-banned-for-using-misleading-statistics/

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. It is very comforting at a time when I feel there are few I can confide in. Good luck with your IVF Bumbers!

I’ve been there twice, back to back (25 weeks and 13 weeks) OP. And it’s harrowing, but you do learn to accommodate the grief. May I point you towards ARC? I’m so sorry you’re in this sad, sad place. ARC was my lifeline.
The forum was amazingly supportive.

www.arc-uk.org

Go to ‘For Parents’ on the menu and it will take you to the forum which you then join. Much love and strength to you.

Thank you. I have been reading how good Arc is. I will definitely join the forum. I think I have to wait until we have had the procedure (feels a very insensitive word) but thanks, I will do that!

Thank you @WL11111111. Wishing you all the best. xx

You are not a terrible person at all. We had the foetal harmony test at 12 weeks and if it had come back positive for an abnormality we definitely would not have continued with the pregnancy. I have a family member with a chromosomal abnormality and I always knew it would not be something I could deal with. Very sorry for your loss x

OP, you are absolutely not a terrible person. It may help you to know that the majority of people (around 90% I think) terminate when they know there is a chromosomal abnormality. It's what I would do too. Wishing you strength.

I had to face the same decision as yourself. My baby was discovered to have Edward's syndrome. We cried and cried over the decision, leaning more towards ending the pregnancy. In the end the decision was taken out of our hands as I miscarried. I felt relieved. And then felt guilty about feeling relieved. I don't know how I would have ever have committed to a decision either way, but I guess that's where the feeling of relief came from. The guilt never has left me. I completely empathise with what you are going through. I have no advice to give you, but just know you are not alone. Sending you love and strength

I take comfort in that statistic, in that I know others would make the same decision I have had to. The issue is that most stories you read online don’t match up to that, but I understand those people are less likely the post. I am sorry to read others have been in this position, but again, thank you for sharing

OP, that is so sad for you. It’s a terrible decision to have to make after waiting so long. Don’t feel you have to make decisions on trying again now, your emotions will be all over the place and you’re free to change your mind later.

I'm sorry you are in this position. Its sounds the exact same as me 3yrs ago with our 1st pregnancy. Our NIPT at 11 weeks showed T13 (Patau syndrome). They did a detailed scan and some of the many physical issues were obvious on the scan, even to me. Cleft face (not just a left lip!), NT of 7mm, bulging hernia, brain anomaly etc. We were offered CVS or amnio, but due to the obvious problems seen on the scan (there were others too) we terminated.

We saw a genetic counsellor and had histology performed which did indeed confirm T13. Hubby and I then had genetic testings to see if it was a translocation or just a 1 off. A one off and likely old eggs in my case!

We'd discussed before having the NIPT what we'd do and as awful as aspects were, I got through it by looking at the positives. I know that can seem hard at times, and each persons positives will be different, but these were mine:

• I lived in a country where such testing was available and I had a choice on what to do in a safe manner
• I wasnt forced to go to term (if I'd even carry till then as its such a life limiting condition) then having to explain to every person why I was no longer pregnant would have been harder
• If I'd have to carry on the pregnancy, I was worried I could MC at any time whilst at work etc, or have a still birth, but choosing termination, I was in control. At that time, it seemed one of the few things that I could control!
• Terminating early meant I could get physically well again sooner and TTC again.

Just remember that you arent alone and its not your fault. Feel free to private message me if you have any questions at all. Sending hugs your way

@PopcornAndWine I 100% agree that termination on the basis of chromosomal abnormality does not make someone a bad person.

But please also read into Harmony and other similar NIPTs. In instances such as Edwards Syndrome and many other chromosomal disorders, Harmony is a million miles from diagnostic. It is actually evidenced to be approximately 30% accurate at detection in such instances. So if you aborted on the basis of say NIPT indicating Edwards, more than likely you would be terminating a healthy pregnancy...

Sending hugs and came to say definitely use ARC. They are incredible to talk to and the forum is very supportive.