Sadly ending my much wanted pregnancy

[WL111111111]

I’m worried about writing this as I know some people will believe I’m making the wrong decision. But sadly now my decision is made so I am just looking for some support from others who may be or have been in my situation or similar.

We’ve been trying for a baby for 3 years, undergoing fertility treatment for 18 months, with two failed attempts and one early miscarriage. Now we have the devastating news at 11 weeks that our baby has a chromosome abnormality. We’ve thought long and hard about what is best and for various personal reasons we feel ending the pregnancy is what we will have to do.
It’s not been an easy decision and I feel like a terrible person. I’m very worried I’ll never get over this, but part of me feels I never should. How have others coped with this feeling? I feel so sorry to my baby but deep down I know I’ve made the right decision. I have a huge sense of loss for him but also because we have also agreed we won’t try again. I think it’s time now we stopped putting ourselves through the pain.
I understand some people will disagree but as said, what I really need is support. It’s lonely not being able to feel you can tell people about this decision.

Hello there,
I’m so sorry.
Both times I was pregnant I opted out of testing because I thought I wouldn’t terminate anyway (not religious). I have now changed my view having seen how devastating some disabilities can be both for the child and the family. I think I was rather naive and unaware of the range of disabilities that can arise.
My second daughter is severely disabled due to birth asphyxia. She is a very happy girl who brings us joy but it has been HARD, and on the journey I have seen other children and adults with disabilities who are not happy, some who are pain or constantly fighting secretions.
It’s not for me to say but I think you are doing the right thing.

Wishing you all the best and happiness. So sorry for you

I'm so sorry. I've been in your position about 5 years ago. We battled infertility for 6 years and by a miracle found I was pregnant. Sadly our baby had a condition incompatible with life and we chose to end the pregnancy. It was a decision made with love and kindness for our little boy and I know it was the right thing to do.
ARC helped me great deal. The termination was so sad but the staff surrounding me were so lovely; I felt supported and cared for.
Please PM if you need to chat x

@JenNtonic

That is wonderfully supportive!

@Ferretyone 🙂❤️

We went through the same situation and although our first reaction was to carry on with the pregnancy, DH and I changed our minds over a period of days. It felt like there was no 'right' decision to make but it helped when my dad pointed out there was also no 'wrong' decision (if that makes sense!). I won't lie. It was hard. Luckily, we had massive support from the hospital who also organised a funeral that DH and I could attend - and it did help to go to this and release some of the emotions. Of course we'll never forget our little boy and of course I've felt regret but you learn to trust how you felt at that time and to trust your thought processes in those moments. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

Sending you so much love @WL111111111 💔💔💔 Thinking of you xxx

I have just made the same decision and gone through this four weeks ago. There is no shame in this, only pain and although still so hard, I take comfort in the fact I am hurting so my baby didn’t have to. Stay strong xxx

Thank you and sorry you have had to go through this too.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I had a termination for medical reasons just over a year ago.
There are lots of emotions to go through. But my feeling that we did the right thing has only strengthened with time.

@WL111111111I am so sorry to hear about your truly heartbreaking situation and want to send you love and strength as you face the darkest of days. I hope you have had really good support and information during your time of decision making, but just feel I need to check that you are not making the decision based just on an NIPT result ? I specialise in situations like yours and have met too many people who have been given less than complete information before they were asked to make a decision.
I am so sorry if this question appears disrespectful or inappropriate. I absolutely support your right to make what feels to be the "least worse" decision for your precious and much wanted baby, and I have supported a great many people though this process. A life changing and life limiting diagnosis confirmed by diagnostic testing is very different to one suggested by a screening test such as NIPT.
Taking pain yourself so that your baby does not have to is a very brave thing to do.

I’m so sorry for your family at this time.

You say you know this is the right thing to do, and we can feel your pain in your writing. You are being a good mum. You are considering how hard life would be for your child and choosing to not make them endure that pain. You’ve instead taken pain and grief into your own heart. That is an incredibly hard choice.

It is ok to grieve this. I think sometimes today we expect people to be fine immediately because we aren’t comfortable with grief anymore. So it is ok to not be ok. And I’m sorry to tell you you’re right. This will be something you never fully get over. But time will pass and the pain will be still there but also tempered by time. I’ve heard it compared to waves. Right now the waves are battering you continuously. You can’t get your feet under you before the next one comes and it feels like drowning. In time you’ll be able to right yourself between waves. You can see some of them coming and prepare yourself. Sometimes you’ll still be swept off your feet, and sometimes a wave will sneak in unexpectedly. But between the waves you’ll start living again. You won’t feel like drowning everyday. And it’s ok to be happy again when you get there. Be kind to yourself.

Finally, it’s ok to tell people in real life. Or to tell them the truth but omit the decision. You can tell them you were pregnant and that baby died if you feel that’s easier. Or to not tell at all. It’s not about them. So do what’s least hard for you.

I terminated a pregnancy at 20 weeks due to a serious heart defect.
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it was the right decision.

You need to focus on what’s right for you and your DH; I found a complete lack of judgement from those around me so I hope you find the same.

One thing I’ll say is to make sure you take the support and any counselling offered. I didn’t at the time because I thought I was fine, I went into coping mode and didn’t switch it off, and unfortunately it has manifested in health anxiety as a delayed reaction.

If you ever want to chat do PM me, it can feel very lonely when you’re going through something like this even when you are surrounded by people

I have been in this position. Our clomid baby after 2 years ttc had trisomy 21 and multiple problems.
We had a tfmr, it was such a horrible time.
We went on to have array CGH ivf where the embryos are tested before transfer and have a healthy son who is now 7.
Thinking of you

I terminated at 13.5 weeks after baby had been diagnosed with hydrops. I was told baby was vwrybporrkybamd would miscarry anyway so the decisuon was kind of taken out of my hands. We found out on the day of the procedure.. (I was induced) Baby was already dead by then.. That it was actually t21. Even if baby hadn't been so poorly I think I would have terminated. I know how you feel in terms of giving up trying, byt it may not be the end of the world for me.

So many typos very poorly and.

May not be the end of the road for you yet.

I have been in your situation - our daughter had mosaic Down’s syndrome and a poorly heart - I had a cvs and amino as we wanted to try every route possible but at 18 weeks I had a medical termination - it broke my heart and still does but I know we 100% made the right decision - I even spoke to genetics and they agreed - I couldn’t bare for her to be in and out of hosp or in any pain so we took away her pain and gave it to ourselves - I don’t regret our decision just heartbroken xxx

I had a NIPT and it came back fine like 1:10000 but I was that 1 person x

My comments have also echoes @Sussexmidwife. Whilst it is not unheard of for chromosomal abnormalities and disabilities to be diagnosed at 11 weeks, it is extremely rare for a number of reasons and medical limitations.

I would be 100% supportive of whatever choice you make OP/@WL111111111 as long as it is informed. As @Sussexmidwife has said, a positive screening such as NIPT is not diagnostic. I know too many who have made this fatal error and live with profound regret and remorse if they have ever learned how misleading some of the statistics cited really are. I would not wish this on you, particularly given how longed for this pregnancy is.

Anyone who has seen my other posts knows how strongly I feel about challenging screening/diagnostic misconceptions. Most commonly people mistake non-invasive screening for diagnostics - and sadly often health professionals can be equally uninformed.

Still sending lots of love your way xxx

@Pumpkinpie1 what valuable insights. I'm sure the OP, having desperately wanted a child for years, hasn't given a second thought to keeping her child. Bravo.

Alternatively - you know nothing of this individual baby, the prognosis, and you are certainly wrong if you think people have tfmrs because they fear disability. When you are pregnant with a severely disabled child, there's no way to guarantee one with an exceptional life, like your relative. Taking the risk must be easier in the abstract, than when you face the reality that your child may have a short and painful existence.

Your anti-choice agenda is transparent. You must know how much pain you can cause with these sort of posts - but maybe that's why you do it. Go away.

Like you I don’t know anything about this case I don’t pretend to.
I strongly believe in informed choice, I just don’t think always the advice given with tests such as nipt is balanced and impartial , that’s certainly been the experience of some people I have spoken to. If you research it the NIPT ethics are very questionable, with some groups saying they are driven by financial gain .
Severely disabled is often used but in reality it’s often tainted by perception , prejudice and fear. I do think people are frightened of what they don’t know.
My post was just to show sometimes what we think will be awful is far from it. My friends son life is far from the sad , pain filled existence they were told it would be. He lives life to the full and is an absolute joy.

The OP hasn't mentioned NIPT.

As someone who has actually had NIPT, I can reassure you that it is made crystal clear that it isn't diagnostic.

It is wonderful that the young person you know has defied the odds given. However a baby in your womb isn't a roulette wheel. Many people aren't willing to take the risk that their child will be one of the minority out sailing and socialising, rather than dying in utero at 8m, in hospital at 3m old, after surgery aged 8, of leukaemia related to their disorder aged 14, or just ome of a number of adults with a very restricted world (all relate to people I know with chromosomal disorders).

At the end of the day, my views and yours don't matter. The OP has said her decision is made and that she wants support only. If you have any humanity you will leave her be.

So sorry I've posted this in completely the wrong place I'm new to the site.