To abort DC3 or not? Really torn right now.

[AlwaysPondering]

Contraception failed us and I am now pregnant. I have 2 DC, just over 3 years old and 18 months. I always said, since having my first, if I ever fell pregnant I would have the baby. But now I'm not sure.

Why I don't want another:

1. I am supposed to be studying two evenings a week in September for the next 3 years. This would be difficult because baby would be due in November and for many reasons I may have to miss some sessions and I can see myself struggling to catch up.

1. I suffered mentally after having DC2. DC2 was crazy clingy. Used me as her pacifier and that was so hard to break. But finally since DC2 started walking and I stopped breastfeeding life has got easier. I am worried the third baby could be the same and I just I mentally cannot go through that again so soon.

1. DP and I are only starting to get some proper us time now the DC are sleeping at the same time and at a decent time. But it will all be taken away again. I know it sounds selfish, but we feel like us again rather than just parents with the struggles of two small children.

Reasons I do:

1. I think I want another baby one day but I need a break first. But if I terminate this one and then try to conceive in a few years I will feel incredibly selfish and almost like I don't deserve to plan another baby. So I feel I should have this one.

1. I know I will be upset. I know inducing a miscarrige and bleeding will be terribly upsetting. As will the due date.

1. Now I have DC this pregnancy seems like another mini version of what I have. I know it doesn't resemble a baby yet but I know it will grow to be one and I am really struggling with that.

1. I don't want to potentially live with regret.

1. After a while things would settle and life would get easier. But I know it will be a battle first. It's hard enough with two. It can be hard enough with one!

So I could postpone the studying for another year. DC1 will be in nursery before the baby arrives for a couple of days. So at times it will be like having a small toddler and baby again - I got through it before so I could get through it again. The following year DC1 will be at school and DC2 will be at nursery so it will just be me and the baby a couple of days a week. So essentially it might just be one extra tough year iyswim.

But I am terrified of carrying another baby and giving birth. I feel disheartened that my relationship with DP will be put on hold, as will the start of working towards a new career.

I know only I can make this decision but if you can share your thoughts or experiences I really appreciate it.

DP is being wonderfully supportive. I have asked what he wants but he ultimately wants me to be happy.

I had similar and in the end I decided that the mere presence of doubt regarding wanting a termination was enough not to get one.

It's very different once you have DC as you say. What does your DH think?

DH said he really wants "us" back and having another baby would prolong that but that he will support and be happy with any choice I make. So he is leaving it completely up to me which doesn't really help!

Anyone else?

On the studying, I started an Open University degree when Ds was six months old. It was definitely doable. I'm due another baby in June and won't be taking a year out.

Mentally, I don't know. I had a massive breakdown when ds was born and I'm desperately hoping it won't happen again. However in my case, I think termination would have also negatively effected my mental state (raised Catholic, far too much guilt). From your post it sounds like you might have similar issues for various reasons.

That your pro list is longer stands out, as does the fact that your pro list negates a few things on your against list.

I have many dc and work hard to have 'us' also. You don't have to choose dc /dh - it's unfair your dh has put the decision on you, you may end up resenting him if you terminate on your say - so only. Imo postponing studying is preferable to postponing another dc. You would be presumptuous to ttc in the future and be successful imo.

I think you want to keep the baby.

If you're doubting yourself then don't do it.

There's never really a right time to have a baby, either way they're disruptive.

I say this as someone who terminated a pregnancy not long after having dc2. I don't regret it although I have felt sadness over it, but at the time I felt it was the only option (( both dc were undergoing diagnosis for disabilities ))

If you feel you will regret this then don't go ahead, your dp is being an arse leaving the decision to you tho, he's the one who put the baby in there after all.

I’ve had a medical abortion recently and it wasn’t pleasant. The cramps were excruciating and I felt the sac pass when I was on the toilet which was very distressing having to then flush it away. I know it wasn’t the right time for me at all to have a baby but I know I could never go through another abortion again after that. It’s a difficult situation to advise on as none of us can truly know how you’ll feel if you abort or keep it

Personally, I'd have an abortion. I'd rather regret an abortion than a child.

For me that isn’t anywhere near strong enough reasons. It would have to be single with no support , baby would destroy my life, would be homeless on the streets, serious medical condition means I’m unable... I think your case of two parents , a loving family but a tough couple of years isn’t anywhere near a strong enough reason. I don’t want to be harsh about a sensitive topic but you asked.

Yes I do think my mental health will suffer if I do terminate. Probably more greatly than if I was to have the child.

DP keeps saying that it hasn't formed yet so if I choose to abort then I shouldn't see it as aborting a baby. But, and I imagine I feel this way because I already have DC, I know it will grow into a baby and that's what I would be preventing happening.

What you have said Purplerain101 has really stood out to me because yesterday I cried to DP at the inevitable flushing.

I guess I have to weigh up if the potential devastation that will follow the abortion is going to be harder to deal with than raising a third baby in a small 2 bed home (which will stay that way until I am working full time). I guess love trumps how much space and money we have. It's just difficult to say a final decision.

Thanks for the replies. I will keep reading back on them.

timeisnotaline no that's not harsh. I understand your meaning.

You have more pros than cons on your list. I think it does sound like you truly want this baby tbh.

I've settled on two for various reasons. However, when I take my DC (8&5) to the park, etc, I look longingly at all the mummies with their lovely babies. I do really wish I could have another. My DC would absolutely love a little brother or sister to dote over.

Wishing you all the best, whichever your choice

I think you already know your answer, deep down.

Imagine both scenarios happening. How do you feel?

How would you feel if you miscarried?

Thank you Nemo.

KalaLaka having the baby: scared and stressed. Not having the baby: sad and horrible. Unmaternal.

And at present the thought of a natural miscarriage does feel me with a sense of relief, but also emptiness.

And of those things which makes you feel worse:

scared and stressed or sad, horrible and unmaternal?

Which do you think would pass the quickest? In your original post, it sounds like it could be a scared, stressed year and then things would get roughly back on an even keel. Would the feelings of sadness, horribleness and unmaternalness pass in the same time frame do you think?

It seems that an abortion would weigh heavier than the alternative.
You could do things differently this time. Breastfeed only for the first couple of weeks or even not at all.

I had PND with my second largely due to the BFing and if I had a third I would only do it for a very very short time and feel zero guilt about it. I would want to enjoy it more this time.

I’m struck by the fact you chose to refer to it as DC3 in your title. I’d suggest you do want this baby as much as you know the timing isn’t ideal. I think as you said you maybe wanted a third child in the future that actually it could work out well to have this closer gap and get all three done now then concentrate on the course and the job etc in a years time. In 10, 20 years time this hiccup will be just that- a tiny wrinkle in the plans for your job etc but your child will be a central character in your family. I do not believe you will regret that.

If you do decide to abort then I hope my post hasn’t scared you as the pain etc only lasted a couple of days and then I felt fine physically (was just like having a period). I’m not sure I ever want children and even I found the feeling of passing the sac and having to flush it very disturbing. I suffer from quite bad anxiety though so maybe it wouldn’t affect someone else mentally the way it affected me. It’s a very difficult decision to make for any woman and it’s great your OH is being supportive whatever you decide. Do you have the practical things in place to have another child like finances, space in the house etc? I’m sure those sorts of things could be worked out though if you do decide to keep it

It sounds from your post as though you would really regret having a termination. I think you should keep the baby.

I personally don't think you should abort this child if you were thinking of having another one later on . That seems wrong IMO .

If you want another baby one day, then I think I would not be able to terminate just because it isn't quite the right time.

Everything you have said about wanting more time with your dh, well that would disappear anyway when you do have dc3. You might as well get the baby days over now, and look forward to getting more time together in a few years.

The fact that you refer to dc3 in your thread title suggests that you already think of this baby as your third child, so I do think you might regret a termination.

I don't think it seems wrong at all. And just so I cannot be accused of adopting a narrative to.choose my own circumstances, I've never had an abortion.

The op has two children and is looking to start a new career. I think it's disingenuous to suggest that a third child amounts to a year delay. Having a third child is a whole new person in your family until adulthood, it's an addition that often shifts the way a family needs to operate in terms of both finances and general labour.

These are the types of decisions that can a be a fork in the road and if the op is on the cusp of increasing her career potential that could be easily knocked sideways with another baby, sleepless nights and potentially pnd.

Worrying about what other people think about how you plan your family, even if that involves a baby in the future, and their personal ideas of right or wrong, should have no place in your decision and should rest on your own beliefs alone.

You'll always look at your children and know there is one missing.

If you have a third child in the future the aborted child will stand in the background as a shadow behind that third child.

Where there is three there should have been four.

Please don't abort. Struggle now and study later. This is your flesh and blood.
A years delay up against a person in your family?

When your other children are adult these things are prone to be discovered. They may not be happy that children are dispensable to you and it coukd have easily been one of them.

Please don't abort. Struggle now and study later.

These are the sound-bites that plunge women into poverty.