To abort DC3 or not? Really torn right now.

[AlwaysPondering]

Contraception failed us and I am now pregnant. I have 2 DC, just over 3 years old and 18 months. I always said, since having my first, if I ever fell pregnant I would have the baby. But now I'm not sure.

Why I don't want another:

1. I am supposed to be studying two evenings a week in September for the next 3 years. This would be difficult because baby would be due in November and for many reasons I may have to miss some sessions and I can see myself struggling to catch up.

1. I suffered mentally after having DC2. DC2 was crazy clingy. Used me as her pacifier and that was so hard to break. But finally since DC2 started walking and I stopped breastfeeding life has got easier. I am worried the third baby could be the same and I just I mentally cannot go through that again so soon.

1. DP and I are only starting to get some proper us time now the DC are sleeping at the same time and at a decent time. But it will all be taken away again. I know it sounds selfish, but we feel like us again rather than just parents with the struggles of two small children.

Reasons I do:

1. I think I want another baby one day but I need a break first. But if I terminate this one and then try to conceive in a few years I will feel incredibly selfish and almost like I don't deserve to plan another baby. So I feel I should have this one.

1. I know I will be upset. I know inducing a miscarrige and bleeding will be terribly upsetting. As will the due date.

1. Now I have DC this pregnancy seems like another mini version of what I have. I know it doesn't resemble a baby yet but I know it will grow to be one and I am really struggling with that.

1. I don't want to potentially live with regret.

1. After a while things would settle and life would get easier. But I know it will be a battle first. It's hard enough with two. It can be hard enough with one!

So I could postpone the studying for another year. DC1 will be in nursery before the baby arrives for a couple of days. So at times it will be like having a small toddler and baby again - I got through it before so I could get through it again. The following year DC1 will be at school and DC2 will be at nursery so it will just be me and the baby a couple of days a week. So essentially it might just be one extra tough year iyswim.

But I am terrified of carrying another baby and giving birth. I feel disheartened that my relationship with DP will be put on hold, as will the start of working towards a new career.

I know only I can make this decision but if you can share your thoughts or experiences I really appreciate it.

DP is being wonderfully supportive. I have asked what he wants but he ultimately wants me to be happy.

DH said he really wants "us" back and having another baby would prolong that but that he will support and be happy with any choice I make.

DH is being unrealistic is his expectations. 'Us' will never be the same again. You have already 2 DC which mean the dynamics have already changed. Or having another won't revert you back to what you were before hand.

You refer to this baby as DC3, already part of your family. You want this baby. You post for advice (and have been given some great replies). You want this baby.

If you had no doubts about termination then I would say go ahead, but you DO have doubts. You want this baby.

When your other children are adult these things are prone to be discovered. They may not be happy that children are dispensable to you and it coukd have easily been one of them.

This is a bit extreme, isn't it? I like to think that if my children ever found out about the termination I had, they'd understand that it wasn't the right time. I was on the verge of a massive breakdown and had three young children already, so none of us would have coped with another baby then.

However I do think you have doubts about terminating, op, in which case you might never feel at ease with your decision. It's tough.

Thank you for all the replies and different perspectives. You are all right, I do see this baby as a child already.

I am going to have a big chat with DP tonight once DC are in bed and make a final decision but atm I definitely feel more swayed to keep the baby. Which says it all really!

We would struggle financially, our plans to own a home would be put on hold a little longer as we cannot afford a mortgage where we live until I am also working full time but as someone said earlier, in 10 years life will be completely different. Thank you.

I had a termination 20 years ago (I was 17) and although it was absolutely the right decision, I still think about it nearly every day. I would only say that if you go ahead, make sure you are happy with that choice and that you will be able to look back in 5, 10 or 20 years time and be comfortable with it. It's not a decision that goes away easily once you've made it... If there's any doubt, as you say, it could end up being more damaging for you mentally.

'where there is three there should have been four'

This rings true to me melon. I haven't had an termination (but I understand why women sometimes make this difficult choice) but I did have a late loss at 22 weeks three years ago and though the raw grief has left me now...I don't think there is a day that passes that I don't think of him even if it is just for a few seconds. I am currently pregnant again with dc3 (hopefully both my miracle and rainbow child as I have experienced fertility issues (in my 30's).

I hope you come to a resolution shortly alwayspondering, I can understand your anxiety - I have had pnd both times with my other two dc, so I'm gearing myself up for the possibility of that happening again. Breastfeeding is lovely, but DH and I, have agreed a limit of 6 months on that...and realise that we have to get through probably 6 months of sleep deprivation also (my dcs slept better when they had solids and not solely breast milk). But I suppose I know my husband is on board with all of that...if you do go ahead with your pregnancy, I hope your dh will be just as supportive x

If you think you'll always regret it then that's a huge problem on your mental state. Because what's done can't be undone. And you've a whole life time to have a relationship with you DH.

Your dh is very naive in his thinking. I mc at 6 weeks and it was obviously a tiny baby. I hope you have reached an agreement op.

Personally I would keep the baby. Because then all your children will be close in age and in a few years, it will be easier to manage/please three close in age than 2 big ones and a little one. Ie they’d all be able to do similar things.

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to help me through this.

I have decided not to abort. I spoke to DP last night and said you're thinking with your head and not your heart. You need to see this baby as exactly that, another child that we have created. He said he didn't want to because then if I decided to abort he would be sad. I said if you don't let your heart accept what is happening and I do terminate then I will be going through that alone, and feeling that sadness alone. We have to be in this and decide this together.

Anyway to conclue I just could not terminate. This is another child of our and he/she is here to stay

I have now started another thread in Parenting about how I am going to cope with three under 4!

Really pleased for you. I agree this is the right decision. Good luck!

You have made the right decision.
It will be worth the hard work and tiredness when your children are older and life settles again.
Sending you love and happiness.

Elemtree

Poverty ?

This lady has a sound home, a husband and her ultimate plan is to save for their owned house.
She sounds very sensible and is making an informed decision based on her life.
Unless we assume that this will all fall down around her ears and circumstances drastically change then poverty is hardly her predicted future.
Poverty is not something that exists in the UK.
I have been there myself, been homeless, I know the ins and outs.

Congratulations! 😁 I'm glad you've made a decision you're both happy with. I had three under four. Life is so much easier now for a while, anyway, until dc4 arrives!!

On a serious note, my dp and I never really came to terms with my termination although we were and still are completely sure it was right at the time. We've been lucky enough to be granted a second chance at number 4.

Take care

Congratulations :)

Thank you everyone!

I've been watching Call the Midwife whilst DC nap and holding my belly blubbing away! In a good way. A massive change to yesterday!

Thanks again

Yes Melon, when a third child soaks up all the financial surplus in a family it leaves them vulnerable to knocks in life that otherwise can be navigated but given you think poverty doesn't exist in the UK, I doubt we'd ever see eye to eye but maybe we can trash that out on another thread another time.

Op, congratulations. I'm glad you were able to make a decision that works for you.

Our dc3 was a wonderful surprise. She is the best thing that could of happen to us and I can't believe that there was a split second that termination crossed mind. She is cheeky, calm, funny, cute, she made us better, she made us stronger, she is such a blessing!
Best of luck to u :-)