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Antenatal tests

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Original poster

The MAP has failed. Some advice please

30 replies

Helpbeenstupid · 25/11/2013 19:47

Dp and I got a bit carried away and didn't use any protection. I wasn't worried, stupidly thought it would be fine. Then I realised I was right in my most fertile time of the month. I got all confused on dates in the panic but I took Ellaone on which I know was definitely day 5. I know I took it late but its the new 5 day MAP and I thought it would be fine.

Anyway I'm pregnant and DP and I are in shock. I've had no symptoms so really didn't expect it. We already have 3 children aged 8,7 and 6 months. We have spoken about a fourth. However, we get married abroad next year( if I continue with pregnancy ill be about 33 weeks) and we will have a really small age gap.

We just don't know what to do. It's more timing than anything. The small age gap, the wedding and we live in a 4 bed rental whilst hoping to save for our house deposit. I know you can't all tell me what to do but some opinions would be greatly appreciated.

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PanicMode · 25/11/2013 19:54

I fell pregnant with a very unplanned and (at the time, very unwanted) 4th baby. I didn't think we could afford it, I had just got my career back on track and I got severe antenatal depression because of it....my amazing GP got me some counselling which really sorted me out, and 3 years later, I couldn't imagine life without him, and feel guilty about all of my initial negativity.

Life is different with four to that which we had thought we'd planned, but it's all worked out somehow, and if you want it to, you too will find a way to. Do you have to go abroad to get married? Can the children share rooms (mine do) etc

realblueprint · 25/11/2013 19:57

"It's more timing than anything"

Then it sounds like you want this child.

Original poster

Helpbeenstupid · 25/11/2013 19:58

Thanks for your post. So many people have booked to come to our wedding I think it would cost us a small fortune to cancel and reimburse everyone. I may call the travel agent to see how much a date change would cost us though.

My older two already share they are only 17 months apart and hate being seperated. We have a playroom downstairs at the moment but not sure we could afford to buy all this space. We managed to get a super cheap rental for 12 months only and the whole idea was to use that 12 months to cut back and save hard for a deposit

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girliefriend · 25/11/2013 19:58

Ime unplanned babies are always the best ones

I think the age gap although small will sort of fit in with what you have already as the 7 and 8 yo are very close in age and then the baby and this baby will be as well.

However you have to do what feels right for you.

Original poster

Helpbeenstupid · 25/11/2013 20:02

We do want a fourth I think for both of us and our family its just incredibly poor timing and I worry how I would cope with 4 children let alone with the younger two so close in age. I've had a small age gap before and it was extremely hard work. Finances is another aspect I would have liked to have been on the property ladder first. We have found the purse strings tighten a lot with a third

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Original poster

Helpbeenstupid · 25/11/2013 21:19

Last post sounds wrong. I meant we were talking about a fourth but talking and doing are two different things as I am worried I would struggle.

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girliefriend · 25/11/2013 21:22

I suppose it comes down to whether you could go through with an abortion or not.

It's scary but none of the things you have mentioned are massive obstacles imo but obv it is up to you and your partner. What does he think?

CheerfulYank · 25/11/2013 21:24

Oh honey. No advice but lots of hugs.

Original poster

Helpbeenstupid · 25/11/2013 21:54

We have swayed between talking about abortion to talking about what we would need financially and what to do about the wedding. I don't think either of us want to mention abortion too much although I'm not sure if that's because we don't want that or because neither of us dare say it. I'm not even clear myself.

I know that you have to have some form of counselling when going down the abortion route and I wonder if that may help us with our decision.

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Original poster

Helpbeenstupid · 26/11/2013 11:15

We have spoken again. I don't think we are going to continue with the pregnancy. We need to buy a house and wouldn't be able to save very hard with a new baby. So bottom line is we can't afford it and I don't want the 3 children I have to suffer financially or emotionally. I may need a bit ( lot) of hand holding.

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PanicMode · 27/11/2013 08:06

I am sorry . I would definitely recommend counselling first if possible. FWIW a friend of mine made the same, very difficult decision and knows it was the right thing for their family - they just couldn't cope with 4 - and although it took her a lot of agonising to go through with termination (she's Catholic), she said in the same circs, she would do so again.

Original poster

Helpbeenstupid · 27/11/2013 08:19

Thank you PanicMode. I definitely feel I need counselling. I'm not sure ill ever reach the stage where I am at peace with what Ive done.I'm going to the GP today and just know I'm going to cry the whole time. I'm already a moody bitch to DP.

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Original poster

Helpbeenstupid · 27/11/2013 11:30

I've just come to the GPs and its midwife day so surrounded by pregnant ladies and newborns. Trying not to cry in reception.

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LemonEmmaP · 27/11/2013 11:39

You poor thing. It really sounds like you need to talk this through. Hopefully your GP can help.

Original poster

Helpbeenstupid · 27/11/2013 13:25

I waited an hour at the GPs and had to leave as my ds was hungry and due a feed. They called me back and have made an appt for this afternoon. I think they must have read my notes seen I'd taken the MAP and realised what my appt was for.

Can anyone talk me through a medical abortion. I know you have to be seen once or twice before it can be done. How long am I likely to wait until I take the tablet. I'm 5 weeks gone.

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CheerfulYank · 27/11/2013 19:16

Oh, honey honey honey. I don't know anything about the procedure so I can't help you there, but I really hope you get to talk to someone to help you work through this.

I know you are considering everyone (your family and DP, etc) but please, PLEASE consider yourself as well, okay?

Original poster

Helpbeenstupid · 27/11/2013 21:02

Thanks Cheerful I feel a little better now I've got the appointment even just to talk it through with the GP helped.

I think no matter which way we had decided on I would have doubted myself. I just feel a terrible guilt at the moment. I'm hoping in time that will pass x

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sandiy · 27/11/2013 21:21

You can choose to have a medical termination or you can opt for surgical.The difference being that you have a general anaesthetic go to sleep and when you wake up it's over.A medical termination involves two clinic visits the first to assess how many weeks pregnant you are.This involves a scan which you don t have to see,some councilling, then if you choose to go ahead one dose of medication which blocks progesterone(the hormone that supports pregnancy) On the second appointment usually two days later you get pessarys which you insert high in you vagina in clinic.This softens the cervixs and allows the products of conception to pass out.This can be like a heavy period.You will have cramping and contraction type pains.You need to be with an adult during this time.You will need help with the other children as well.
Whatever you decide to do make certain you are really sure,with medical you have more time to ponder.Medical terminations under 8 weeks or so can be carried out at most licences sexual health clinics Surgical terminations mean a hospital admission.
My unplanned pregnancy was the best mistake I ever made.But, I lay awake at night praying for a miscarriage for weeks.I really understand how you are feeling.I hope you get the support you need from your partner and friends xx

BaileysOnRocks · 27/11/2013 21:28

Maybe it's meant to be?

I hope everything works out for you x

Original poster

Helpbeenstupid · 27/11/2013 21:39

Sandiy thank you for the information.

I am pretty sure I'm going to opt for the medical as a day in hospital for the surgical would just be too difficult with children already. Although she said the pains and bleeding after the medical can be quite severe but that everyone reacts differently. The GP mentioned the risks involved in surgery and it seemed to me the very slight riskier procedure of the two.

I do wish there wasn't a scan involved that makes it so much harder. I know I don't have to look but just knowing that its going on,

I just want it over with now. I know that sounds awful but its such a horrible decision I don't need to be made to feel any worse by the prolonging of it. I think I will feel guilty for quite some time. I'm trying to hold it together for the children's sake but its so hard

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ladythatlunches · 28/11/2013 11:10

Me and my dh had a condom failure when our dd was 8 weeks old, I took MAP the very next morning!

2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant for the 4th time, decided to keep the baby, went for a scan and it was twins. So we now have 5!!!

It's chaotic but I love it. If you would of told me that I would have 5 children I would of told you where you can go with it.

PacificDogwood · 28/11/2013 11:14

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation - you sound so sad.

Here's another way to think about it:
If you miscarried today how would you feel?
Relieved or upset?

Does the answer to that question make your decision easier?

V best of luck whatever you decide.

Original poster

Helpbeenstupid · 28/11/2013 11:42

Wow Lady how do you cope with 5, I struggle with 3 some days. Well done you and twins as well

Pacific its hard because I think I would be sad misscarrying, will be sad terminating and would be sad keeping baby.

DP is adamant we are making the right decision. We have

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Original poster

Helpbeenstupid · 28/11/2013 11:45

A comfortable life with 3. DP only earns £40000 a year and I earn about £5000 at the moment in a part time job. If we were on the property ladder already then we wouldn't think twice about continuing. But we aren't we are renting and at this rate we will never save our deposit and with rents being so high we probably wouldn't be able to afford adequate accommodation for all the children.

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PacificDogwood · 28/11/2013 11:51

Well, there really is no easy or 'right' answer, is there?

I see women many years (sometimes decades) after whatever choice they made, regretting it (this can be termination or having continued with the pregnancy).
IME the one common determinant whether a woman remains content with her choice or not, is whether she made whatever decision for herself, for her reasons. If decisions are made due to external pressures there is a much higher chance that they may be regretted.

Have the termination because it is the right choice for you.

I hope it will all go well x.

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