Termination for medical reasons: support thread

[Pizdets]

Hi,

I hoped never to have to post on here about this, but after finding a very rare deletion in our full karyotype this week, we've decided to go ahead with a termination at almost 18 weeks.

I know there are other people out there going through the same thing, and also that there are some wonderful people who've been through it and come back to offer support and advice. I hope this can be a place where we can get a bit of support and know we're not alone.

Personally, it's taken 5 weeks of tests and problems to get to this point, and while I'm distraught, I hope I can also get a sense of closure and start to think about moving on.

Piz

So sorry Life is so sad and unfair sometimes. As you know, I'm with you every step of the way.

Thinking of you. I'm feeling strong at the moment, but am fully expecting a total breakdown when I'm at the hospital tomorrow.

L xxx

Hi girls just wanted to pop by and say hello.

I'm not sure if i mentioned on your other thread but i had a surgical TFMR nealry 3 years ago. If you have any questions that i may be able to help with let me know, I'm sure others will be along to help too.

Will be thinking of you both over the coming days - i know it won't be easy but i hope it goes as smoothly as possible x

Hi I've been lurking for a while now and following the threads so I've followed both yours and mummymOnkeys journeys. I had a termination in feb 2011 at 17 weeks... It also took 5 weeks of tests and false hope before they gave us our babies poor odds of survival after birth. Those weeks were the worst and as strange as it sounds after the termination I felt a kind of calmness I'd not felt in a while.... Anyway I've felt the need to jump in and say I'm so sorry you're here... It's truly horrible but I promise you it does get better. Don't expect anything from yourself... You do or don't feel whatever you need to and whatever gets you through it. Sending you lots of love xxxx

Hi katiecubs and bluecat, thanks for the support. It's a really shitty time and I'm veering between feeling like I'm fine and can do this to feeling like I can't really see the way forward.

Can I ask a couple of questions? How long did it take you to recover physically? The hospital was very vague and I know it's personal, but how long before you felt 'ok' and how long before you were 'back to normal'? Just want to feel like I've got my body back if you know what I mean!

mummy good luck for tomorrow (today now) will be thinking of you and hope all goes ok. I'm sure once this is over we'll be able to start to recover. Hope you're getting the support you need from dh and your lovely in-laws (and your folks as far as you can).

Piz

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. I agree with BlueCat about the feeling of calmness that takes over. I felt ok physically the afternoon of the surgery (doctor said one of her patients had gone for a bike ride hours after surgery -I didn't feel that good but felt better than I thought I would).

Getting my body back mentally and physically took a couple of months. It was my first pregnancy so I felt quite devastated. We got a puppy to focus on something beyond this. We ttc a couple of months later and got pregnant again quickly - I now have two beautiful boys ( and a much loved dog!).

Hold onto the hope to get you through this.

Pizdets for me physical recovery was very quick, i felt very little pain, definately no worse than period type cramps the next day. The bleeding i think lasted longer - maybe 2 weeks but was nothing too hard to deal with and my period returned 7 weeks after the op (however i think this is on the long side and most people tend to get it back quicker).

Emotionally too i found the hardest part was the waiting from scans to diagnosis. Once i had the TFMR i felt i was out of the horrible limbo i was trapped in and felt i could start moving forwards. Obviosuly it was still hard at times and still i feel sad when i think about our little girl that never was but our coping mechanism was to TTC right away and i had the good luck to fall pregnant after my first period. That pregnancy was hard but i had the overwhelming feeling that everything would be ok and it was (DS is now 2)and i am now pregnant again. That may be too much to think about right now for you but like Napsalot says i was just trying to convery that you will come through this x

Mummy thinking of you today, hope it goes ok as it can do x

Thanks both napsalot it's my first pregnancy too and it's been a hell of a shock. I just wish I'd been given a chance to experience it all once all the way through without this tainting everything. Love that you got a puppy, I'm extremely tempted to do the same!

Thanks to you and katiecubs - I am ready to start thinking about what will happen next and the fact you've both moved on and gone on to conceive successfully is really reassuring. I hope to join the TTC thread at some point in the future.

mummy thinking of you today. I took the abortion pill this morning and feel mostly ok, am mainly upset by thinking about what's happening inside of me.

Hi Pizdets and Mummy, thinking of you today and in the coming days ahead and wishing you the best of strength to get through this difficult time.

Well, I've had a long day at the hospital. When we arrived this morning, the consultant told us that they'd had a u-turn and have decided (because of my medical history) to do it surgically. But he didn't know when I'd be able to be squeezed in - of course, after the agony of the last few weeks, this was the last thing we wanted to hear. Especially as I'd already taken the first tablet on Monday morning. He was saying it might not be until this Friday or even Monday. Thankfully, we were called back this afternoon, and told that it will be done tomorrow. They've obviously done their best to squeeze me into one of the theatre lists, as the op is actually going to be done in Maternity - thankfully, I won't be expected to stay there, but will be in overnight on the Gynae ward.

It's been such an up-and-down journey, these last few weeks. Almost enough distraction to detract from what's actually happening/happened inside me. I'll be relieved when this week is over.

Pizdets How are you doing? Are you being admitted tomorrow as well? And is it all being done surgically? x

Oh mummy, how could they do that to you? It really feels like we're going through the mill right now, I hope today hasn't been too hard.

Yes, I'll be admitted at 7.30 tomorrow morning and hopefully be out not long after lunch. Do you feel like the surgical option is best for you (all things considered)? For me, at least I can wake up and it will all be over.

Really sorry you've been dicked around like this and I hope you're not too upset. You seem very strong to me despite everything that's happened and at least we know that from Friday we can start to put it behind us.

I'm actually having to have a hysterotomy (sp?), similar to a c-section, so I have to stay in overnight, and won't be able to drive, etc, for six weeks, like with a section. A pain when you have a heavy, lively eight month old to look after...

I didn't realise until speaking to the anaesthetist today, but I'll be under general and have a spinal anaesthetic as well - seems like overkill, but there are reasons for it.

To be honest, I'm quite relieved that I don't have to be awake throughout the whole thing.

I recovered physically really quickly.... Couple of weeks and I was ttc again. It took us a year though and I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant with my rainbow. Looking back I think emotionally I was much more damaged than I thought I was... I just seemed to muddle through and it's only now when I think of decisions I made that I realise I perhaps wasn't thinking as straight as I thought I was! I remember my consultant advising us to wait six months before ttc to let the emotional side settle down.... At the time I thought he was a mad man! Looking back though I understand the ttc after a termination is all consuming and it takes you through it emotionally.

Take each day as it comes.... You'll never forget your baby but you will move on and it won't be as raw. I did try and detach myself from him while I was having all the scans and tests and it's something I thought i did well.... On reflection I'm not so sure. But it's a case of whatever gets you through it!

Oh mummy I didn't realise it was a full hysterectomy. Of course it's a big deal and much better to be asleep with as much pain relief as possible. Hope you've got lots of support for the recovery, having to worry about your kids must be tough but I hope they can be a positive distraction for you at times too and that the rest of your family will help out.

bluecat sorry to har it hit you so badly, I am worried about thinking I'm ok whe I'm not. I think also because this would have been our first it's such a big lifestyle change, to now have to go back to the same routines and way of life I've been living for the last 10 years is hard, but then I'm also worried about making rash decisions right now too. Congrats on your current pregnancy, though, that's wonderful news!

Pizdets Not a hysterectomy - goodness, that would be even more devastating than it already is. A hysterotomy means a cut through to the uterus - they don't call it a c-section this early.

Good luck for today, will be thinking of you x

mummy I am so sorry you are going through this.

I had a termination last year due to my baby having anecephaly. Physically it sounds different to your op but I found myself calmer than expected at hospital. You just kind of get through it. I took holiday brochures and planned lots of imaginary holidays during the waiting around. I think the nurses thought I was a bit bonkers but I couldn't concentrate on anything else.

It's been about 15 months for me now and I do feel like I'm just coming through it all. I isolated myself a lot after and kind of feel like I am rejoining the world. Please don't bottle it all up like I did. It seeps out eventually!

I'll be thinking of you today. My only advice is to be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve for as long as it takes. ((( )))

Oh mummy thank goodness, was really upset for you! Just got back. Surgery was a success and feel ok. Will post more later. Hope all ok for you.

Hi mummy,

How are you today? Hope you feel Ok and the surgery went well. All was fine for me, was going to post more then realised I was more out of it than I thought and had been sending some slightly odd messages to my family, so I gave up!

Was very pleased I managed to have the surgical termination as I found the 3 hours before the surgery agonising and can't imagine having to go all the way through that. Spent a lot of yesterday feeling sad and crying, but today woke up feeling like I'll be ready to move on soon and also like I'm going to want to re-claim my life and start living again in a couple of weeks. It's nice to feel more positive already (although I expect this is a mood swing and I'll be sobbing into my sleeve within about 40 minutes).

Thanks again to everyone for their support and reassurance, I've lost my faith in stats at the moment so hearing about real life experiences made a really big difference.

Piz

Pizdets

It's good to see that you're feeling positive today. I'm sure there will be plenty of ups and downs to come over the next few months, but I'm feeling good today as well. Mainly relieved we can start to move forward.

We've been given the pink form on which we need to decide funeral arrangements for the baby - I think we're going to go with option A, as we don't feel the need to be there. I think we've already said our goodbyes, in our own way. There will be a post mortem, but we won't be forced to see the results. Maybe if and when we decide to have more children. But we're going to give ourselves plenty of time to get over this first, and decide in due course.

Yesterday wasn't too bad, all in all. I got a bit teary before going to theatre, when the screening midwife/counsellor came back to see us and talk through a few things. The actual process was quite similar to when I had the two c-sections: walk to theatre, sit and have a spinal anaesthetic put in (more ouchy than I remember), but then I was given a general anaesthetic on top of that.

I thought I might be discharged today, but I'm actually staying until tomorrow now. Which, with my two DC at home, is probably not a bad thing. In fact, as I've been given quite a large room to myself, with my own en suite, maybe I should be asking to stay the whole weekend!

So yes, as you can tell, today isn't too bad. Am prepared for lots of ups and downs to come, but hearing others' stories and all the brilliant support that has been on here has really helped. Thanks again, girls.

L xxx

Piz and Mummy - so glad you both got through yesterday ok and that you are feeling a little more positive. I'm sure you will have some ups and downs but as I think I mentioned before I really felt a lot better from here on out not being in that horrible limbo state anymore.

Take it easy on yourselves, watch shit tv, eat chocolate and drink wine xxx

Hi Mummy,

Pleased to hear it went well for you - although sucks for you they couldn't do the general anaesthetic followed by the spinal!

Funny how hospitals are so different, I didn't see any kind of pink form, was just given a white, internal-looking one to say I was OK with cremation and didn't want a post-mortem - the genetic councellor advised that as we had a diagnosis from the amnio and we're having our blood checked, then it's not necessary. Although we both agree we'd like to start TTC asap.

I cried too as I went into theatre. As it was a clinic for terminations, most of the other people there were young girls having early-stage terminations, but I have to say the nurses were excellent and really sympathetic to the fact I didn't want to be there, bent over backwards to allow me to be with my husband as much as possible and gave me as much pain relief as they could.

I have to say (touch wood) I've bounced back physically much more quickly than I'd worried so thanks very much to katie and everyone else who put my mind at rest. Yesterday went out and had my first proper drink for 4 months (needless to say 2 glasses of wine went straight to my head!) and today am going out with a friend. Am also planning a girly trip away in a couple of months, so I have things to look forward to. I'm also really pleased that the little bump I was cultivating (although it really was tiny) has already sunk back almost to normal. I don't think I could bear to go out looking 'pregnant' having lost the baby.

Mummy, hope going home goes well for you today and your kids go easy on you. Have you planned in some help for the next few days?

Piz

Sorry for the TMI but I just need my bladder to start behaving itself then I can be discharged.

My ILs, aunt & cousin who are live locally have offered their help this week, which I know I should accept, although am stupidly feeling very stubborn about it. My mum has said in a text that she's 'happy to help', although I've not heard from my dad at all. Of course, this isn't that unusual for him, but I can't help but read into it, given what happened to us last week.

Not being able to drive for six weeks is going to be a pain, especially with DD starting school in a couple of weeks. But life goes on. Am sure we'll manage somehow.

Now I don't have the excuse to stuff my face any more (she says through a mouthful of biscuit that the tea lady just left), I suppose it's back to WW for me. Bah. Can't even have any wine at the moment, while I'm on the co-codamol. Double bah.

Hi I hope it's ok for me to post here, my first thread is on this board under the title 'help' which says it all really I am 6 weeks pregnant and have been advised to have a termination. I had my ds at 26 weeks following a car crash 4 years ago since then my back/abdomen has needed a series of operations. 4 weeks ago I had surgery to re pin my hips, I have been on a lot of medication. Firstly they think the meds would have affected the baby secondly the drs tell me it is very dangerous thta as the pregnancy progresses my uterus will put dangerous pressure on everything holding me together as there has been no chance to heal yet and they keep using words like haemorrhage and paralysis. I have already seen specialists who have said that in their opinion the risk to is too high to continue i have very little chance of carrying to term and that the pregnancy will cause extensive damage in all likelihood. I just have no idea what to do. I need to decide quickly as whatever I decide the sooner I do so the better. If I did continue my recovery ie meds physio exercises etc would need to stop immediately. I'm so sorry for all of you who have been in a similar position

Pizdets and Mummy -glad that you are doing ok. It is such a roller coaster of emotions and I agree that you have to be kind to yourself. I still feel grief 3 years on but as each day passes, I feel better able to cope with it.

Mama -what a tough situation you are in. Hopefully you can get some good guidence from your medical team to help you through this.

Mama Oh you poor thing. It's one thing going through this when the health of your baby is the focus, but when it's your health... It's a catch-22, isn't it? I hope you're getting lots of support and advice. It's a horrible thing to have to go through, whatever the situation.

I understand when you say it's better for you to decide sooner about what to do, but have you been able to get a second opinion from another doctor? x

Hi mama, really sorry to hear what you're going through, it must be horrific and sounds like you'be had some awful luck. Just try to remember that making the decision is hard but there are no rights and wrongs in this situation, just options for you to deal with this as best you can. Whatever you decide, we'll be here and I'm sure your family will also support you.

mummy did you manage to get discharged yesterday? Hope you have accepted all the help offered, you need it and I think we both need to give ourselves a break! I'm physically doing ok (apart from rock-hard boobs, which are agony) but emotionally still very up and down. Please take the help which is offered to you and be kind to yourself!

I'm off to stay with family this week for a bit of TLC. It's hard because my parents and siblings are scattered all over the world, so can only speak to them in shifts throughout the day, whereas I wish they were on tap for when I feel low! Will be nice to get away anyway.

Will check back in when I can.

Piz