Unplanned pregnancy - shocked, upset and feeling very stupid

[FlameoftheForest]

I'm so sorry if this seems insensitive to anyone but I need to talk.

I've just found out I'm 4 weeks' pg with a very unplanned number 3. DC are 4 and 2, and both DH and I were feeling that we were starting to come out of the early years wilderness. Neither of us wanted another child. In fact, I only realised just how much I don't want another child when I saw the pink line . The pressure on our relationship might be too great and, even leaving that aside, I don't feel I have the mental or emotional wherewithal for another child without seriously short changing my existing two. There are also a whole load of practical issues, which, while perhaps not insurmountable, would be very difficult to resolve.

So many emotions. And feel so stupid. So very stupid. We were only using condoms while we decided what long term contraception to go with (my periods have not long returned after DC2). I think I know when it happened: 2 days after my period finished. We thought there had been a mishap but, stupidly, I decided not to get the MAP because I thought I was in the safe zone. As I said: stupid.

I've already told DH and he's said he'll support me whatever I want to do and we'll talk about it tonight. I'm sure I already know what I want to do. But that doesn't make me feel any less stupid or ashamed. And I feel so sad and guilty, especially when I think about how happy I was to get + tests for my two existing DC.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. (BTW, I'm a pretty regular poster who has name changed because quite a few people know who I am on here.)

Follow your head,Flame.

I know this is of no comfort to you but... I am in the same situation

Youngest is 2 and have just got to a point where I can put my needs not first, but further up the list. It makes me feel so bad that the first thought through my head wasn't hurrah! It was shit, can I go through with an abortion? When reading the positive. I haven't even got the courage to tell DH yet because I know he will see it as ruining his life

Whatever choice you make must be right for you so take your time and make sure it is the one that makes you happy (?)

Love to you, know you are not alone and these things do happen.

Thanks, both of you.

It's nice to know I'm not alone. And, yes, I am going to follow my head. Right now it's shouting much much louder than my heart.

Oh, and, Slippery, I hope it all works out for you. It's a horrible situation to find yourself in.

Well, I'll be thinking of you.

It's always the women that have the hard decisions, I'm so pleased for you that your DH is letting you make the decision and will be there to support you.

Ta

Hi I just wanted to add a message of support. I went through this earlier this year - unplanned pregnancy and had 2 DCs already. I did decide to abort and had the full support of DH. It was the most stressful two weeks of my life but I know it was the right decision for us and we are moving on now. It doesn't have to be the end of the world.

Oh what a difficult decision to make. I always wanted three children until.I had two! Now I am adament that we are sticking at two but the main reason is the impact it would have on my ability to parent my two children in a sane manner.

As you are so early could you have an abortion pill instead of having to go to hospital? It might be less traumatic if that is what you decide to do.

You know yourself best and you know what pressure you and your relationship can stand. As a mother already you already know what it is like to hold a baby in your arms etc so you should hopefully be able to figure out whether it is something you can live with.

Good luck and think carefully either way xx

Yes, I am 4 weeks so well within the timeframe for a medical termination. I've made an appointment with Marie Stopes for next week when I'll be 5 weeks, which is the earliest anything can be done. They were so nice on the phone - and already I feel a huge sense of relief. Of course, I don't have to do anything but just to know that I have that option lined up is comforting and, I feel, will allow me (and DH) to think without panicking.

reddaisy, my DH used to want 3 children. Then we had our first and he revised it to 2! I only ever wanted 2 but, to be honest, did (vaguely) think that I might keep an "accident". I guess you never really know yourself until you're put on the spot.

My friend recently had an abortion under different circumstances and if you make the decision to terminate the pregnancy be kind to yourself.

A third child for us would mean no luxuries ever including big things like holidays to swimming lessons etc. I want to be able to offer my existing DC these things. I would probably have a breakdown too as I am on the edge now with two!

But you are right, you don't know how you will feel until you are in that position.

You're not stupid, not at all.

Couples have sex, women get pregnant.

It was an accident, an entirely understandable accident.

Being pregnant with a baby you want is completely different from finding out you are pregnant when you don't want to be.

I've been there long ago, and I know how scary and alienating it is :(

Best of luck. You'll be OK.

Flame,believe me,the "abortion pill" is not "less traumatic". Please make sure you get told the full details about the whole process.
Really feeling for everyone here..deja vu

I was in your position. I got a lot of support on this thread here.

m.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1133004-I-dont-want-this-baby

We did decide to keep DC3 in the end, but I would never judge you for going the other way.

Best wishes to all of you.

Softpaw - I only said "might be" less traumatic. I have no experience of it so I had no intention to mislead anyone.

Oh Reddaisy,I understand! I just know how "simple" the pill sounds from the doctors. And it's not. I wasn't getting at you.

Phew! It is such a sensitive issue that I wouldn't want to make it worse for anyone. I just wanted to contribute as so many threads on here about third children are so positive but I know that it would be very difficult for us to cope if it was us as children are so expensive and all consuming.

I had the pill and it wasn't at all traumatic and two of my friends had similarly 'positive' experiences with it. I really dont think that scaring people about the process is helpful. I was terrified but it really was fine. The emotional bit is harder really.

Another one here who had an unplanned pregnancy and yes you do feel very stupid when it's a one opportunity window that you didn't close. However - there are plenty of couple all over the world with that window wide open and they don't get pregnant! It happens for some and it doesn't happen for others - no rationalising it at all.
You need to choose with your dh what you want to do. If you decide together to carry on with the pregnancy, then you will find a way to make that happen. If you decide together that this isn't what you want then you'll cope with that together. A huge number of women in stable relationships decide to terminate unwanted pregnancies in exactly your situation. You aren't alone. Equally chuck a brick down any family street and you'll hit a family with more your children than they planned to have! You aren't alone!

juliet,i'm not trying to scare anyone,honestly. Sorry,if I came across like that

It's all right; I wasn't scared, and hopefully no one else in my situation who is reading was scared either.

My feeling about the tablets - medical route - is that it will be less physically invasive (although I know about the scan that must precede it). The emotional impact I would expect to be the same as the surgical route.

I've now spoken at length to my best friend who went through a similar dilemma a few years ago. She ultimately had a miscarriage before she had finally de died what to do but she understands the agonising. It helped to talk to her and I feel calmer now. I know I will get through is one way or another. As some of you have said, lots and lots of people find themselves in this situation.

Cinnabar, I think I remember your thread from last year but thank you for linking it. I will have a read later.

Flame,i've cried this afternoon for the first time in years. Be strong. My first post to you,hours ago,was "follow your head".I still say it.

I didn't mean that in an abrupt way softpaw I just know that I came across a lot of misinformation on the Internet before I had the procedure and it really scared me. I wouldn't want anyone to feel that way when there really is no need. Again flame hope you are as ok as can be. Just so you are aware the second tablet is inserted vaginally which is a little invasive but doesn't hurt. I think some nurses let you do it yourself.

I'm so glad that the internet wasn't around when I was making my decision..my brain would probably have imploded!

I thought I was pregnant this last cycle, and I was devastated at the thought. I have two DS and had to have fertility treatment for them both, but the thought of a third, even in the circumstances where I have previously been not far short of desperate to conceive, felt too much.

My period arrived yesterday, so I don't know what I would have done if the outcome had been different... I would probably be in knots too. I don't think I've helped you particularly, but perhaps it helps to know that you're not alone in the way you think...

Hi Flame. I also became pregnant for the 3rd time after a condom split, I took the MAP and breathed a sigh of relief. It said on the packet that sometimes your next period can be a bit late so I waited and waited and stuck my head in the sand for a bit and then waited and then got a BFP. I was horrified. By the time I went to the GP (it was Xmas) she assessed that I was about 16 weeks. I continued with the pregnancy and now DS3 is 21 months.

It took me a long while to come to terms with him! And I think that I suffered from PND although I didn't seek help. DS2 was 23 months when DS3 was born and I found a toddler and newborn hard and mentally I had moved on from babies. I resented all the breast-feeding, all the sleep deprivation and all the extra work.

We moved house as we were in a 2-bed terrace, we had a small car and had to get something bigger to fit 3 car seats. We had to get a double pushchair. It was all so expensive! I got swept up in moving house (when he was 8 weeks old) and sat feeding him thinking 'How the hell did we end up here?!'

The first year was just strange and fraught but we have settled now. My family seems 'right' with him here now. My DH has since had the snip

If I had discovered the pregnancy earlier then I may well have considered a termination. But I think that the reason I kept telling myself it was just the effects of the MAP was just a denial that a decision needed to be made. I think you are very strong to be facing up to this and to be looking into all your options.