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Antenatal tests

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Original poster

Devastated - bad 20 wk scan, having a termination, please help

43 replies

notdreaming · 03/03/2012 08:27

Regular but namechanged.

This is so horrible - we had our 20 wk scan and our baby has something terribly wrong and consequently I am having a termination on Monday. Although I'm pro-choice, this is not really a 'choice'. This was a very much wanted and loved DC1, by me and DP.

I feel truly numb, angry, guilty and distraught at the same time. My poor baby, it's nothing I had any control over but I still feel so incredibly guilty and inferior.

Plus I'm so worried about trying to get pregnant again - will it be harder after a termination? I have a funny feeling I'm going to be punished for this.

Plus on a practical note, how soon after can you have sex again? (Although part of me never wants to do this ever again, I want to be pregnant again as soon as possible.

OP posts:
hellhasnofury · 03/03/2012 08:28

I don't have any wise words but I wanted to offer my support. I hope someone who can answer your questions will come along soon.

goingmadtrying · 03/03/2012 08:33

im so sorry i can't begin to imagine what your feeling, i don't have any answers but would say its not your fault and i hope you fall pregnant very quickly, ask the questions at your appointment on Monday re sex etc you may need to wait a while due to infection but i wouldn't be sure. sending you big hugs be kind to yourself and take time to grieve xxxx

MyLittleMiracle · 03/03/2012 08:36

Poor poor you, i can only say how sorry I am. I was told i needed to wait i think a week or so, after a miscarriage because of infection. Not sure this will or will nor help, but could you get something to remember the baby by? I dont know what to say or suggest, just my thoughts are with you and i hope you fall pregnant quickly.

Gasbluewithlavenderbeads · 03/03/2012 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sybilfaulty · 03/03/2012 08:43

Poor poor you. I am very sorry. Hope you and your DP have some good support.

Take care and don't blame yourself. Life can sometimes be very cruel. You have done nothing deserving of punishment. Be kind to yourself and take care. Am thinking of you.

ripsishere · 03/03/2012 08:50

I don't generally come into this section, my child bearing days are over.
Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. Sometime shit happens and you happen to have been the one it's happened to.
When you go in for your appt, ask a nurse or doctor about resuming your quest. I think it's two weeks before you can start but, could so easily be wrong.
Wishing you and your DH/p strength.

justhayley · 03/03/2012 09:05

So sorry Sad try not to feel guilty - I read a book once about Angels - will dig out the title, but there was a beautiful section in it about terminations & miss carriages that iv never forgotten. It said that a baby's soul chooses which women it wants to be it's mother & before we even become pregnant - the baby's soul knows it's fate & even if it will be destined not to make birth with this women, he or she already loves her so much that he/she would rather spend 20 weeks in your case with you than a single moment with anyone else. It also said that a baby's soul when left this world will immediately become an angle & will stay by your side protecting you & your future family forever.

I know you may not have ever looked into angels or the soul etc but I think its a beautiful way to look at your situation. I had a termination for totally different reasons when I was very young and carried guilt with me for a good 10 years. When I read this it really did bring comfort to me & I hope it does you.

On the more practical side - there's no reason you won't get pregnant again, and quickly. However be prepared to bleed heavily for a long time - I was about a month I think. As soon as the period stops you are ok to have sex again when ever you feel emotionally ready.
Also I was just under 20 weeks when I had a termination & the bit that I really wasn't prepared for was the milk coming a couple of days later. Apparently it doesn't happen to everyone, but at that stage your body may think you have given birth so will quickly produce milk - just wanted to warn you encase knowone medical has, as thats not an easy thing to deal with on top of everything else. maybe have some breast pads available & you won't want maternity bras but sports bras help when your boobs suddenly get massive over night & nothing fits.

I hope you have a lot of people around you to support you and love you.

it's not your fault & there's nothing you could have done.

Take care & no that we will all be here thinking of you & ready for a chat when ever you need it.

Hayley xxxxx

passtheadvil · 03/03/2012 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ledkr · 03/03/2012 09:14

I think there is a better section for you on here for women who have been in axactly the same postion. Ante natal tests and choices.
Im so sorry or you,what an nightmare,i hope you go on to have a healthy family.

BranchingOut · 03/03/2012 09:21

I am so sorry. What an awful situation for you and so sad... I am hoping that someone with experience will be along in a minute, in the meantime I suggest that you look at the SANDS website. There is lots of support on there.

Also, it may help to think now of the things you can do afterwards. Many parents find it really helpful to dress and hold their baby, with support from the midwives of course.

goingmadtrying · 03/03/2012 09:22

i would also second what passthedevil has said regarding getting another opinion. wishing you all the best and sending you lots of love xx

Jnice · 03/03/2012 09:25

I am so sorry for you, I hope you and your DP are getting enough emotional support through this traumatic time.

In answer to your question about termination and getting pregnant again, I have had 2 and now have 3 ds's - I had no trouble getting pregnant although I felt I would be punished too and didn't deserve to get pregnant. I think sadly a natural reaction to the grief of termination. I think you need to wait around 6 weeks although your dr will say for sure.

Sorry again... Wish I had something to say that would ease your pain Sad

Original poster
notdreaming · 03/03/2012 09:37

Thank you all.

Hayley that was beautiful and really really helps. Thank you.

And yes, passtheadvil we have actually more than 3 opinions. The diagnosis is correct. But thank you for checking.

I can't write anymore right now but I'm grateful for all your responses.

OP posts:
HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 03/03/2012 09:38

I agree with passthedevil too. My BIL and SIL were told that their DS2 had a heart condition that was "incompatible with life". Turned out it was the same heart condition my BIL had when he was born. Their DS2 is now a strapping 8 yr old. He did have to have a couple of ops when born but is now fighting fit.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 03/03/2012 09:40

Sorry x-post. Can only offer my sympathy and hugs. What an awful thing for you to have to go through. xx

scottishmummy · 03/03/2012 09:40

firstly how sad and shocking for you both
do sign up for emotional support via the mw
you have had to make heartbreaking choice in response to something you had no control over

recent research is top doesn't significantly alter chances of getting pg again

sex again when you are able,feel relaxed and not sore

do both try take care at difficult time

Selyna · 03/03/2012 09:53

They have now moved this into antenatal tests and choices at my request. Sorry for your loss.

corblimeymadam · 03/03/2012 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsPotter · 03/03/2012 10:09

Would have thought the OP had that choice, Selyna, don't be so horrid.

goingtoofast · 03/03/2012 10:16

I'm so sorry to read this Sad

I have had two late mc's. After the second one I got pregnant within six weeks. In all honesty I was exhausted by the end of my pregnancy as I felt like I had been pregnant for month. Physically it was too soon but mentally it was the right thing to do.

Always remember it's not your fault x

Pancakeflipper · 03/03/2012 10:47

You will not be 'punished'. You may feel like you are at times but there will be no punishment. You are doing what you have to do for your baby. Sometimes there are no choices. Your baby is still your baby. And they will always be your baby. That will never ever change. Your heart will always hurt because your baby isn't physically there with you. But you may believe that one day you will see them again and that they will hover around you and your family.

It's not fair and it's is agony and heartbreaking but somehow you will get through it because it is what is best for your child. You will smile and find joy again and manage to enjoy life even when you feel you missing someone.

Ask about conceiving again, they will give you helpful advise.

Take care, get support, cry, hit pillows and scream because it's not fair. And it is not your fault.

Cantdothisagain · 03/03/2012 11:11

I am so sorry to hear your news. I have been in your situation and found out following 20 week scan that my baby had a condition incompatible with life. I had a termination.

I too wanted to be pregnant again as soon as possible. I got pregnant quickly and the baby is now nearly two and fine.

I have lots of practical advice about the termination itself and subsequent pregnancy if you want any. I am on my phone now hence short post but can post at more length later.

I really feel for you. You are right that it doesn't feel like a choice as such, even though it is. Be kind to yourself.

More later.....

ajandjjmum · 03/03/2012 11:16

So sorry - what a dreadful situation for you.

Similar happened to a friend of mine, who has gone on to have two further children.

MustControlFistOfDeath · 03/03/2012 11:20

I have no practical advice I'm afraid, but here is a (((((BIG HUG)))))

Original poster
notdreaming · 03/03/2012 11:38

Cantdothisagain thank you. I would like to hear your advice if you can post publicly, or PM me.

I am terrified of something going wrong during the procedure and never being able to have children as a result. This was a much wanted pregnancy.

So sorry for you and everyone else who has experienced this.

OP posts: