Devastated - bad 20 wk scan, having a termination, please help

[notdreaming]

Regular but namechanged.

This is so horrible - we had our 20 wk scan and our baby has something terribly wrong and consequently I am having a termination on Monday. Although I'm pro-choice, this is not really a 'choice'. This was a very much wanted and loved DC1, by me and DP.

I feel truly numb, angry, guilty and distraught at the same time. My poor baby, it's nothing I had any control over but I still feel so incredibly guilty and inferior.

Plus I'm so worried about trying to get pregnant again - will it be harder after a termination? I have a funny feeling I'm going to be punished for this.

Plus on a practical note, how soon after can you have sex again? (Although part of me never wants to do this ever again, I want to be pregnant again as soon as possible.

Notdreaming, I also had a termination at 23 weeks, due to severe brain anomalies picked up at my 20-week scan. I have to dash now, but couldn't not post. The baby girl I lost was my first DC, much wanted and much loved. I lost her in Feb 2010 and in Feb 2011 my DS was born.

Lots to say, but I'll come back later. It is not your fault. Please be gentle with yourself.

Hi notdreaming,

I only gave you half the story earlier - I have actually terminated twice for fatal abnormalities (different ones, not related). The chances of what happened to me (ie two apparently random doomed pregnancies) are incredibly low, so I am not telling you this to scare you more. I have since had a healthy child and I already had one before losing the two babies, one at 13 weeks and one as I said at 20 weeks.

In practical terms, a 20 week termination can take a long time - be prepared to wait hours. Mine didn't, and the baby and placenta were delivered all at once, which I think speeded things up. You will be given the choice whether to see/hold your baby or not. We did, because I wanted and needed the connection somehow; others haven't, and I think it's a very personal decision and probably you need to wait and see how you feel. The hospital will take photographs and hand/footprints of the baby too. For a very long time I couldn't look at these, but I am now (nearly three years on) very happy to have them. We also (despite being not religious) had the baby blessed by the hospital chaplain. That felt right to me because he acknowledged her as a person we had lost - as opposed to some sort of medical procedure. The hospital organized the baby's cremation and we attended the service... I can tell you more about all that later though if you want.

For now, you need to get through Monday. I recommend taking magazines, books, distractions, in case it takes ages. I actually found the day less awful than I had feared and less awful than the horrendous scan and all the second opinions, because I did actually get to hold my baby. Afterwards though I was so, so tired and drained; less tearful than just physically and mentally exhausted and shut down somehow. The hospital will allow you to stay as long as you want/need - I wanted to escape, and see DD1 who was at home, yet also felt bad for wanting to leave the baby there; the emotions are very complex and all over the place to be honest and you just sort of get through it. Everyone was very kind, and we were nowhere near labouring women, which does help.

I think I'll stop with the practical details here but do, do pm me if you want to know more. For now, I just want to say that the limbo you are in now is pure hell and I really feel for you. It does get easier, I promise. And you can get pregnant again; the termination itself doesn't affect that at all, but this experience will have altered your perception of pregnancy completely and you will find it much more terrifying. But you will get on with it because you feel the overwhelming urge to be pregnant again. It seems impossible, but it isn't.

PM me for more details, if you like. There is also a support thread here - women who have chosen to terminate - the women who post there all have been in similar positions. I can't link just now but I will later if you can't see it.

Again, be kind to yourself. It isnt your fault, and you couldn't change the prognosis.

I'm so sorry x This is an awful thing to go thu. I did at 13 weeks quite a bit earlier than you, after I had started spotting. My newly qualified midwife continued to say there was nothing wrong but I didn't feel right so got the GP to refer me to Hospital for a scan. The scan showed the baby hadn't developed properly and had no heartbeat etc, so a termination was scheduled for the next day. I was devastated as we were looking forward to a new brother or sister for our DD.
I don't want to put a downer on it all, as like you I wanted to try again soon after, but we have now been trying for nearly 3 years to no avail.
I wish you luck and will keep my fingers crossed that you will be blessed with a baby soon x

I just wanted to add my support to you at this terrible time. You are so brave.

Back with a longer post? Cantdo has already said most of what I would have said anyway, and in better words.

I had a termination at almost 23 weeks. My baby girl had severe brain anomalies and the prognosis was awful. I felt like the air had gone out of the room when we were told, I remember very well the feeling of despair, the need to scream, and also the terrible anger. I thought it was my fault, there must have been something I did, or something I didn?t do. It turns out it was just ?one of those things?.

I was sure I wouldn?t hold my baby, I wanted to but for some reason I was afraid. However, when she was born I did hold her and we also named her, the chaplain came and we had a very short naming ceremony (for the same reasons as Cantdo, although we are not religious either). I would advise asking for pain relief as soon as possible, don?t wait for the pain to escalate. I?m not saying this to scare you, I found the pain manageable, but I wish I had pain relief in time ? my labour was very short. I completely agree that having my baby was not the worst day, but the scan and the days before going into hospital were agony.

This is not something you get over, but rather something you learn to live with. I am now at peace with my decision (like you, I don?t consider it much of a choice), the rawness is gone, although there are times when it comes back and in a strange way I?m glad it does. I fell pregnant a few months after my termination and I found it the only way to move forward. I now have a gorgeous DS, he was 1 two weeks ago. I still miss my baby girl, but I can?t imagine not having DS, so my sadness now has a certain acceptance to it. It helps us to do things in her memory, to acknowledge her.

If you feel it would help you, you could read back on the support threads in here, there are many of us who went through a termination for abnormalities, you are not alone. If you have any questions you don?t want to ask in here, you can always PM me. And all through this just be gentle with yourself, I hope you have support in RL too. Go through the days, the hours to start with, one by one. I?ll be thinking of you on Monday.xxxx

hi i have also had two terminations. as cant said it is very rare for it to happen twice so I don't want to worry you. I also have four healthy children (two of which were born after my first termination). My first termination was a late one at 25/6 weeks. The baby could have lived but I felt the life she was offered was not one I would choose for her. Although I regret that she is not here and grieved terribly for her I never regret making that choice.

After a certain gestation (I think 22/24 weeks depending on where you are) they have to inject the baby's heart so it is not born alive. It was horrific but even during that I knew it was better than the life my child could have. During the period between diagnosis and termination I was pressurised by family members to terminate the pregnancy but I needed to make the decision myself, I almost didn't do it and felt I shoudl take myself and the baby off and live on our own, it gave me a chance to think about the reality of her life and realise that I wanted to do that for myself and that it was not the best thing for her.

The rest of the termination is the same as giving birth to any child. You can have morphine and I needed that at the end as I was so upset. The birth took ten hours from first pessary. Like cantdothisagain, I held my baby and took photos we also named her and had a cremation. We took a camera which was lucky as the hospital one had been stolen and we took two matching toys one of which we took home and the other we left with her for her cremation. You can dress the baby but I didn't want to, her skin was quite thin and clothes seemed too rough. I was pleased to see her as well as incredibly sad. I found the photos helpful when I was grieving and I have them in a memory box i intend to write a letter explaining what happened for when my kids are old enough to understand.

It took me six months of quite intense grief at the end of which I was pregnant again and had my son about a year later. I was desperate to get pregnant and it took a bit of time so we used ovulation predictors. I am so sorry you are in this position but you should not be punished for doing the best for your children, personally I feel I have done the best for all of mine. xx

I would like to sincerely thank everyone for sharing their stories and offering sympathy. I am truly sorry that I even had responses as it means other people went through this.

The phrase, "I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy" always seemed silly and trite to me. But I now understand it and I truly would not wish this hell on anyone at all, worst enemy, people I don't know - no-one.

I won't post on this thread again but if anyone has any lovely positive stories about conceiving again after something like this then I'd love to read them if you feel able to share. I will check back on this thread in a few days.

Thank you and please pray / think good thoughts / send positive vibes my way for the future.

I can share one:
Although my body aborted my second pregnancy itself, I think the grieving process is similar. But I will say this:

I am sitting here with a three month old on my lap. He was born about 11 months after the day I lost my baby. I felt like I had been pregnant forever and cantdothisagain is right when she says it Changes how you feel about being pregnant. But the moment he was born I fell in love. I've bonded so quickly with a "bump" I almost didn't dare love and without the journey I wouldn't have this beautiful little bundle, who is perfect.

my previous post was hastily written as ds2 screamed but I wanted to reply. he is five months and is currently trying to eat his feet. like coldcuppa neither he nor his brother would exist if I hadn't had to lose either baby. Pregnancy was fraught at times especially scans and I had trouble projecting into a future with a baby but I decided to enjoy each stage of the pregnancy for what it was and it was fine and some parts were even enjoyable even if lacking in innocence. The ttc and pregnancy board following a termination was really supportive and helpful. take your time and look after yourself. x

i can share a good news story too :) we lost our little girl Eve almost a year ago (30th March 2011) - her 12wk scan was terrible, had a 7.4mm nuchal measurement, and from that we went on to have an amnio. Amnio confirmed she had t21, and scans showed a large cystic hygroma all the way down her back. we were offered a TOP then, but went on to have a heart scan just to see what that showed - unfortunately the prognosis was not good and we made the difficult decision to end the pregnancy. Nearly a year on I'm sat looking at my 6wk old baby boy (granted he was born 9 weeks premature!!!). I was lucky to fall pregnant again about 3 months after we lost Eve, and although the pregnancy was very stressful (diagnosed with CCAM after 20wk scan- but all seems to be fine now!) - i did try and enjoy it for what it was, and took one day at a time (literally!!). I knew it would be my last pregancy as I already had 2 DC's - and I did manage to enjoy it, although scans were not pleasant.

But there is definitely hope after a termination, and like Manitz, I look at my beautiful boy in front of me and realise he would not have been here had I not lost Eve. The healing process takes a long time, and I still grieve for the little girl we lost, but it does get easier I promise. I've been thinking about you today and hope that it all went as well as could have been expected. xxxxx

Notdreaming- I'm so sorry you are going through this. I lost my firstborn baby boy at 22 weeks due to a fatal abnormality. I currently have my 10 month old daughter asleep on my lap. It took 10 months to conceive my DD and the pregnancy was filled with fear but worth every second. You never get over a loss like this but you do learn to live with it. Sending you much love and strength over the coming days and months.

hi i am a mum of 4 wonderful children, but i am also mum to 2 angel babies, my first baby was stillborn, she had a heart defect which was not detected and obviously i went full term, then i had my 3 boys and yes you worry with each pregnancy after a loss, i then fell pregnant with my 4th son, however at a late stage scan 30 weeks they found a hole in his heart and sent me for further scans and gosh where it was found that it was not just a hole in the heart, the whole left side of his heart did not form at all and it was only me keeping him alive, i had to make a decision as to whether to carry on with the pregnancy till full term when my dear baby would be sillborn or to be induced and have him early, either way i was not going to be born alive, this was the most distressing time of my life, i cried every time the baby kicked i begged and begged for him not to move or kick inside me, i believed it was all my fault to loose 2 babies from similar conditions and that i must be such an awful person.....but im not its just one of those things that happen that is just beyond yours or anyone elses understanding,
please do not blame yourself, i can understand totaly how you must be feeling right now and how you will feel in the times to come, dont be in to much of a hurry to get pregnant again, give yourself some time to grieve and for you body to recover, i went on to have a beautiful healthy little girl.

So sorry for you, I'm sure you will come out of this situation a stronger person, and your baby will always be your angel and will forever be in your heart xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss. I posted this a few months ago - hope it helps.

notdreaming, so sorry for your sad news. I don't have any practical experience to offer but just wanted to say: please be kind to yourself, and don't feel that you will be punished for such a heartbreaking decision. Your doctor / midwife will tell you the timescale for when you can try again - poss a couple of weeks at least, to avoid infection - but don't be afraid to take the time you need for your body and heart to recover and to grieve. My thoughts are with you x