Not to tell DH about this pregnancy?

[DayToNightBarbie]

Will try to keep this as short as I can. DH and I are both carriers of the gene for cystic fibrosis. This means that any child we conceive without PGD IVF will have a one in four chance of having the condition.

We have a one year old son who's, thankfully, unaffected (we didn't know DH was a carrier before I got pregnant). We would both LOVE to have another child but can't afford PGD. We've discussed possibly trying for another baby naturally and then having the CVS test and terminating if the baby is found to have CF. I'm really sorry if this sounds horribly insensitive to anyone reading this who's affected by CF, by the way :(

When I was pregnant with DS, we didn't find out about DH being a carrier until I was way past the CVS window and in any case, I was absolutely adamant that I wouldn't even consider terminating for that reason. Since then, we've both changed our minds about whether we feel we could knowingly bring a child into the world who was suffering from CF.

My cousin has CF and she was horrified that I didn't have an amniocentesis - she thought I should have done and should have terminated if my DS was found to have CF, even though it would have been done at around 20 weeks into my pregnancy. That's how strongly she feels that CF is not a condition she'd wish on another living soul. This has made me and DH think about things a lot (part of the reason I didn't feel I could terminate for CF, even at a much earlier stage, was the thought that my cousin may never have been born if these tests were an option back in the day).

Anyway, as I said, we decided to talk about maybe trying for another baby in about a year's time. IF, and only if, we both felt sure we could cope with the possibility of terminating at around 12-13 weeks. DH has said that although he'd definitely not want to continue with a CF pregnancy, he isn't at all sure he'd be able to deal with a termination.

Well, I've just found out that I'm pregnant again. I can't help feeling thrilled about it, even though I shouldn't be. I can't help feeling excited and optimistic and hopeful but I'm pretty sure that DH won't feel the same way. For this reason, I'm seriously considering not telling him until the CVS confirms that the baby doesn't have CF. And not telling him at all if it does. I don't want to ruin the next two months for him and I don't want him to have the heartache of knowing about the termination if he doesn't have to.

Also, and this is me being selfish, I don't know if I can cope with his reaction as well as coping with the uncertainty of all of this myself :(

Am I being totally unreasonable?

I think you should tell him because you shouldn't have to go through all that by yourself, and also how would he feel if the baby is healthy and you tell him that you have been deceiving him such a long time?

i can totally understand where you are coming from though, but you need to tell him. its not your fault that you are pregant its as much his responsibilty as it is yours.

This is a really sensitive question. It is very sweet that you want to protect your DH but you must tell him. He would be unbelievably hurt if you didn't and a pregancy, let alone a possible abortion, is not something you should go through alone.

The alternative scenarios if you didn't tell him are just too hideous:

a) The baby is fine, then when your DH asks why you kept it a secret you tell him that if it hadn't been fine, he would never have known and you would have aborted his baby without a word.
b) The baby has CF, you have an abortion and have the physical and emotional fallout, which will go on for years, possibly your whole life, to deal with alone.
c) As b, but you end up telling your DH that you aborted his baby without even telling him that it existed.

This is something to celebrate, commiserate and work through together. You need eachother's support.

I don't think you're being unreasonable - if nothing else, you can't change the fact that you're now pregnant, and need to sort it all out in your own mind. A close friend of mine has two daughters, and her youngest has CF - they only found out they were carriers of the gene when she was diagnosed as a toddler.
Would your cousin really rather have never been born than have the life she has?
It must be heartbreaking for you :( and I am sorry, I don't really know what to say and am hoping I'm not putting my foot in it.
If you take the next few weeks and think things over yourself, you might feel differently about the tests, a termination, everything. Just give yourself a chance to have a really good think, and then, I think you do need to tell your DH - it's his baby too, as hard as it will be, you need to make these decisions together... imagine if it all came out later that you went through the whole ordeal alone, and kept it all from him. Think of the affect on your realtionship with him.

Yabvvvu. Tell him, and face this together, as a family. Good luck :)

With all the best intentions in the world you are still BU....it is a decision you both need to make together, you cant just take it in your own hands to make a decision that will umtimately affect you both (maybe but hopefully not) for years to come.

It's a shitty situation to be in, I really appreciate that but you do need to talk to DH about it.

I agree with akmd - you made the baby together and you need to discuss its future together, no matter how hard it is. Good luck with everything.

It's up to you, OP, but if you don't tell him, you NEVER can. You know it's his child too, you know that in his position you'd be shocked at the deceit. It's obviously important enough to you to overcome all those feelings that you should tell him so you obviously have your reasons.

Can you keep it a secret forever? Really? Never mention it ever? That's what it will take.

do you really want to go through all this by yourself?

yes is very nice that you want to protect DH and I know where are you comming from

but it's going to hard for yourself, whatever the outcome, just think about having to wait 20 weeks to be sure you have a healty baby and worst if you have to terminate, sorry but is not like you forced him, and even if you have all the precautions in the world, things happen, and at the end of the day is also his baby... yes he may be mad because you're pregnant, but he has half the fault

You have to tell him. You can't assume you know how he would react.
How would he feel to find out you had terminated a pregnancy that he knew nothing about?
Lies and deception are never good in a relationship.

I know you are all right. It's just that the months when I was pregnant with DS and we were afraid he had CF were some of the darkest days of my life. DH didn't cope at all. It's not a place I feel I have the courage to revisit right now.

It sounds as though you've had some frank and thoughtful conversations with DH in the past
While I understand your dilemma, I think you owe it your DH and to yourself to share this pregnancy and its implications with him.
AKD has outlined the options very well.
Would it help you to speak to midwife/go or CF support line first, to get things clear in your own mind?

Sorry, that last post of mine sounded really melodramatic.

I think you're heart is in the right place, and I think in theory it's a selfless motivation to try and protect your husband and take on all the pain alone.
In practice however I'd agree with the others. it's something he has a right to know but also something you should be dealing with thogether.

You have to tell him.It is his baby too.

Any other option involves keeping a huge lifelong secret from the person who is your life partner.It would affect your entire lives....do you think,if the news is bad,that you will not show signs of turmoil?That having the abortion won't show up in your mood?

Tell him.For all your sakes.

I think you should tell your DH, you are both in this together and the next few weeks ahead are going to be hard for you very emotionally.

My 4.7 yo DD has CF. We didn't know we were carriers til after she was born so didn't have the option of CVS etc. I wish with all my heart she didn't have CF, but after a rocky start in life health wise she is now probably healthier than most of her contemporaries. She is full of energy and takes life at full pace!

How close are you to your cousin? Do you see her much? Current protocols in CF care dictate that people with CF do not meet each other due to the risk of cross infection. Obviously where parents have more than one child with CF they can't keep them apart but you and your cousin (presuming you would still be on speaking terms if the baby has CF) would have to agree how you would go forwards with family meet ups.

My DH has a cousin with CF, although she fortunately lives in another country but whenever we visit family there it causes no end of problems keeping my DD out the picture when the cousin is around.

Your cousin is not alone in her feelings about you risking having a child with CF, it seems to be quite a common (and totally undrestandable) view amongst adults who have CF.

Life with CF is not as bleak as it once was and there are major breakthroughs with drugs just around the corner. If you do decide not to have the CVS (or go ahead with a termination if the results are positive) your DC could have a very fulfilling normal life.

However, you question was should you tell your DH and I definitely think you should

good luck

not melodramatic at all. you may find he reacts better than you think, you have no option other than to tell him really, i think you know that, but you are dreading his reaction. you don't need to carry the weight of it all on your shoulders.
and congratulations on your pregnancy by the way (i hope you don't mind me saying that) and i wish you all the luck in the world

I think it would be better if you posted this anywhere else but AIBU as things tend to get heated here.

Maybe ask for it to be moved.

I really don't think you should have to shoulder this burden alone. It's very noble of you to want to protect your DH but he's a grown adult and he's your husband. You need support as much as he does.

Also, I don't know about you but if I had to try and conceal a pregnancy (tiredness, sickness etc) as well as sneak off to appointments my DH would know something was up anyway.

An ex boyfriend of mine had CF and while I know he wouldn't have wished it on anyone he lived an amazing and full life and passed away in April at the age of 31 while waiting for a lung transplant. So much more can be done for the condition now, could you both speak to someone about it before you have any tests?

Imagine if you did terminate the pregnancy and at some point he turned round to you and said he'd changed his mind? He needs to know.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I can understand your reasons for not wanting to, but I think you should tell him.

Obviously to terminate or not is ultimately going to be your decision either way, that's just the nature of these things. But he's your husband and this is his potential child, so he deserves to be involved. And additionally, you deserve to have his support and involvement, this shouldn't be your worry and burden to bear alone. He doesn't get to just opt out and say he 'can't deal with' either a CF pregnancy or a termination, you don't have that luxury and may have to deal with one or the other whether you want to or not.

Wishing you the best, whatever the outcome and whatever decision you make.

There we go, another thread police 'officer' has turned up. Is that the sum total of your contribution AVoidka? The posts here have been kind and supportive, no?

Why do you people (and yes, I do mean YOU PEOPLE) bother to post on AIBU at all? Why aren't you on these other boards? You don't contribute anything other than to tell people not to post that here or to suggest they get it removed.

I guess I'm thinking that if the CVS news is good then he'll be delighted and won't worry through my pregnancy any more than any other one. I honestly don't think he'd be angry with me having kept it secret from him in those circumstances.

And if it was bad news, I'd do my damnedest to make sure he never, ever, ever found out. He's made it very clear that he wouldn't want to continue with a CF pregnancy so IF it DID ever come out, I don't think he'd feel aggrieved that I'd made that decision...

When I was pregnant before, he kept going out on the lash and not coming home. He'd say he'd be back at 12, for example, and then I'd wake up at 3am to find he hadn't come home and his phone was off and he wouldn't make contact til the next afternoon. Not the biggest deal ever but it really upset me at the time. I felt lonely and abandoned and almost ended our relationship over it.

He later said that it was because of his stress over the CF situation and I believe him. I don't think he'd do that again now, because we've got DS to consider but the thought of him being that stressed and resentful again is frightening.

I only said because threads like this can turn nasty on here.

I didnt say she shoudlnt have posted, just maybe not the best place because there are some out there who will not be supportive.

I think that you are trying to be very conciderate of your DH, but I agree with the others that he needs to know. Chances are he'll find out anyway. If you have morning sickness for example how would you hide that? Good luck with whatever you decide.

OP... You know best. It's a terrible burden and I hope you have support. Also hoping that your CVS news is nothing but positive. I guess the best thing to do is wait until that comes in and then see how you feel about it.

"I guess I'm thinking that if the CVS news is good then he'll be delighted and won't worry through my pregnancy any more than any other one. I honestly don't think he'd be angry with me having kept it secret from him in those circumstances. "

yes but he might feel sad for you that you have had to go through such a lot on your own and a marriage is a partnership. i can understand why you want to protect him, i really really can, but if its bad news i really don't think you could hide it from him, he would know something was up and would probably be really very worried about you