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Antenatal tests

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Original poster

Devastated

44 replies

farawaytree2 · 25/05/2011 13:09

Having found out I was unexpectedly pregnant (&since found out that the father was married & wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy) I decided to find out a much info as possible (as I am lone parent bringing up my 9yr old son following a horrid divorce) so I went for OSCAR scan which gave me a 1:30 risk of Downs (I am 41 yrs old) & then went twice to have CVS but on both occasions consultant unable to do test because of placenta position - then had to wait for amnio which took 3 attempts - convinced myself that baby was okay but had the devastating news it wasn't. I had to make a decision - thinking of my son & the impact it would have on him in later life as I would be an older mum. So on Monday 23rd May I went in for a medical termination - it was traumatic to say the least - I held my tiny baby (George) - he looked perfect & then ended up in theatre due to blood loss and placenta not coming out. I was glad I had given birth rather than have him 'removed' but now I am devasted - keep thinking I have made the wrong decision - that I would have coped on my own somehow - that I have denied my son the chance of having a brother (he knows nothing about what has happened - just that mummy had a poorly tummy). I keep thinking that maybe the test results were wrong - this was my last chance to have a child. My poor aging parents have travelled 250miles to support me but don't know what to say to make it better - I just want to curl up and hide from the world but I also have to think of my living son but can't stop thinking about my dead son - I am dreading the funeral but don't want anyone to witness my grief & just keep wishing the results had been different - I had made such plans for this new life and now it is over and I can't get past the barrier of what if...

OP posts:

poppycat04 · 25/05/2011 13:21

Poor poor you... I don't know what to say except that I couldn't read your post and not reply. Big big unmumsnet hugs. I'm glad your parents are with you. Try and look after yourself and maybe take it just one minute at a time..

vinorosado · 25/05/2011 13:32

I am so, so sorry farawaytree. You have been through/are going through a horrible and devastating experience but how could the test results have been wrong? They would have been right - (you had amnio) and you have been so brave. You made your decision based on facts, you balanced it all up and it sounds to me like you did absolutely the right thing for you.

I am so sorry. You sound like a lovely person.

My thoughts are with you.

KittyChat · 25/05/2011 14:12

Also really sorry and want to send a huge virtual hug. Do you have someone you can talk to? A close friend you trust? Otherwise I would suggest speaking with a counsellor, hopefully someone here can offer some suggestions.

FannyLogan · 25/05/2011 14:16

Please post this in the antenatal tests/choices section. So many ladies over there have been through it and will be able to offer support.

maisiemackenzie · 25/05/2011 14:17

I really think you should have put something more specific in your thread title, maybe even posted it in antenatal tests and choices, so i would not have read this. i have a gorgeous 4 year old daughter with down syndrome and this has really upset me.

mouseanon · 25/05/2011 14:20

I'm so sorry :(, what an awful thing to have to go through. Were you offered any counselling.

You made the best decision you could, with the information that you had, and the understanding that only you could have of the situation that you were in. That's all that you could have done. The amnio will have been right, please don't worry about that.

Look after yourself.

vinorosado · 25/05/2011 14:39

Great support maziemackenzie - well done

maisiemackenzie · 25/05/2011 14:49

Yeah well it really upsets me that people are so desperate not to have a baby like mine that they abort them. so i prefer not to read about it thank you.

ilovesprouts · 25/05/2011 14:52

farawaytree2 how far was you

ng1412 · 25/05/2011 15:04

I am so sorry for you, please look after yourself xx

CBear6 · 25/05/2011 15:52

Maisie, perhaps that was an opinion best kept to yourself in this circumstance? Farawaytree is obviously upset and torturing herself enough without you making insensitive comments about abortion. She made a very difficult choice. Your post upsets me.

Farawaytree, I had medical management last year for a mmc at 15 weeks and I too found the process to be traumatic, it took me a long time to get over that experience before I could even begin to acknowledge the loss of the baby. I also felt a lot of guilt because I didn't ask for a repeat scan to confirm the results of the first, I just took the pills and for weeks after I wondered about what if the scan had been wrong. You did what you had to do, you had amnio and the results would have been correct. There's no right or wrong way to feel afterwards and that includes questioning your decision - you're grieving for your little one.

I highly recommend speaking to someone, it doesn't even have to be a pregnancy loss specialist, I went to the mental health charity MIND and they were really supportive and offered 1-2-1 counselling for as long as I needed it. You're not a bad person and you haven't done anything wrong, you acted in what you believed to be the best interests of George and that's what every good mother does. Counselling helped me to sort out my feelings and to deal with my grief, it's a daunting prospect talking to a strange about such a private experience but it really did help.

I really feel for you, I can't imagine how you must be feeling but take it one dy at a time and be kind to yourself x

Bogeyface · 25/05/2011 16:00

MAISIE, shoving the fact that you have your dd under her nose after what the OP wrote is supportive, how?! I have a child with a condition that would be terminated for and I dont find her post upsetting at all for me, but heartbreaking for her. Time to think of others rather than yourself perhaps?

OP, have you been referred for counselling to help you get through this difficult time? Somethings we really cant deal with alone and I think that this is one of them.

Thinking of you xxx

ConnorTraceptive · 25/05/2011 16:09

Maisie the fact that the thread title is "devastated" and in pregnancy gives a pretty good indication IMO and certainly after the first couple of lines in the OP you can see where this is going. You didn't need to read on.

I really do think some counselling would be helpfull to you OP.

so sorry you're going through this

Boogiemumma · 25/05/2011 16:56

My thoughts are with you Farawaytree, this is an awful decision to have to make but personally I think you made the right choice for you. The trauma and grieve of losing a baby at whatever stage is horrific and do take all the support you cn and let yourself grieve. I'd recommend internet groups for mums who've sufferd similar losses and possibly counselling too. Though it's no consolation lots of women have shared similar experiences and will be mpre than weilling to offer support. I send you big virtual hugs sweetie and hope you have the strength to know that you will get through this.

maisiemackenzie · 25/05/2011 16:56

I don't think it does give a good indication. i deliberately avoid threads with references to down syndrome in the title if they are in sections other than SN, i thought it would refer to miscarriage or something, which i also have experience of. that's why i clicked on it and now really wish i hadn't.

sh77 · 25/05/2011 16:58

so sorry for what you have been through. you made the decision based on the medical evidence you were given and your personal circumstances. also sorry that you had to read maisie's comment.

maisiemackenzie · 25/05/2011 17:01

i'm hiding this thread now and going to live back in my bubble where people don't do things like this!

CandyS · 25/05/2011 17:30

farawaytree, my thoughts are with you, I hope you manage to talk it through with your parents (and they can think of something to say).
I know it sounds very harsh & blunt, but at the time you were just doing what you felt was best for yourself, your DS & George, based on the medical evidence given to you & your personal circumstances.
I hope you find someone to listen to all you have to say, who can give you the right guidence & support.

Please don't take maisiem's comment to heart, there are people on here, myself included who have been through, or would make the same decision as you did, and would feel similar to how you feel now.xx

Bogeyface · 25/05/2011 18:19

going to live back in my bubble where people don't do things like this!

What, like make people feel worse than they already do about a heartbreaking situation?

d0gFace · 25/05/2011 19:23

Sorry farawaytree, hope you feel better soon and hope you believe you did the right thing for your family.

maisiemackenzie your comments upset me. No idea why anyone would be so hurtful to someone in such a dire situation. To think you've been there and still lack compassion really suprises me.

Tarlia · 25/05/2011 19:37

maisiemac please stay in that bubble, you offend me! We may not all agree with anothers decision, but all we can do is make the right choice for ourself and what we can cope with. You are being heartless!

faraway I'm so sorry :( You made the right choice for you and your son, do not let anyone tell you any differently. I hope you can have someone to talk/cry to - thinking of you.

R.I.P George.

PeterSpanswick · 25/05/2011 19:48

So, so sorry, please take care of yourself.

I went through the trauma of having test after test and then an amnio and although my results were clear, it was the most gut-wrenching experience of my life.

I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through but know that your decision was not something entered into lightly; you did what you thought best for you and your family at the time and nobody else has the right to question that.

Hope you get the support you deserve.

Journey · 25/05/2011 20:03

It must be a very difficult time for the op, but she also had a choice to keep the baby or not.

The nastiness towards maisiemackenzie is cruel. It must be very hard to hear of people terminating a pregnancy because their baby has downs syndrome when you have a child with it. I can't believe how selfish some people are on here.

Borisneedsahaircut · 25/05/2011 20:10

Faraway, I am not really going to write anything because I don't really know what to say or what I think about it, I do understand it must have been a difficult decision though and a traumatic experience for.
I do think though, It might be a good idea to put more info in the title as I personally thought someone had miscarried or has a stillbirth for which I was going to reply just because of my own experieces.

Boogiemumma · 25/05/2011 20:12

Just to point out this is supposed to be a "support network" we're bound to have opinions that differ but we're not here to make moral judgements on one another. Can understand both sides here but people make decisions based on their situations and ultimatley do what they believe is best. If we don't agree, fine but perhaps our contrary opinions can be talked about elsewhere? Can I suggest the childishness stops and the support starts ;) xx

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