Devastated

[farawaytree2]

Having found out I was unexpectedly pregnant (&since found out that the father was married & wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy) I decided to find out a much info as possible (as I am lone parent bringing up my 9yr old son following a horrid divorce) so I went for OSCAR scan which gave me a 1:30 risk of Downs (I am 41 yrs old) & then went twice to have CVS but on both occasions consultant unable to do test because of placenta position - then had to wait for amnio which took 3 attempts - convinced myself that baby was okay but had the devastating news it wasn't. I had to make a decision - thinking of my son & the impact it would have on him in later life as I would be an older mum. So on Monday 23rd May I went in for a medical termination - it was traumatic to say the least - I held my tiny baby (George) - he looked perfect & then ended up in theatre due to blood loss and placenta not coming out. I was glad I had given birth rather than have him 'removed' but now I am devasted - keep thinking I have made the wrong decision - that I would have coped on my own somehow - that I have denied my son the chance of having a brother (he knows nothing about what has happened - just that mummy had a poorly tummy). I keep thinking that maybe the test results were wrong - this was my last chance to have a child. My poor aging parents have travelled 250miles to support me but don't know what to say to make it better - I just want to curl up and hide from the world but I also have to think of my living son but can't stop thinking about my dead son - I am dreading the funeral but don't want anyone to witness my grief & just keep wishing the results had been different - I had made such plans for this new life and now it is over and I can't get past the barrier of what if...

[Makinglists]

We all do our best for our children and that includes choices that others wouldn't make - please ignore the unpleasantness on this thread - you have made the right choice for your situation and your child - that won't be the right choice for another. I have terminated twice for T21 I also have a relative who has DS. Both times were emotional agony but you do survive and life will continue but you will never for get your little one. I spoke to the hospital chaplin after the first time and he was a great help - I was scared he would say I was dammed etc but he said there is no right or wrong in this situation all that matters is that a good decision is made and that means you weigh all the factors and do what you think is best and that is what you have done - that thought has always helped me at times of doubt. Please speak to ARC (Antenatal Choices and Results) - they provide support to families affected by a worrying result from a test regardless of whether they decide to end the pregnancy or to continue - they are fantastic.

[misty0]

I think the OP has long gone ladies

How sad. An opportunity to support someone in distress has been lost. Thumbs up to those who tried to help.

I dont think i want, or need, to say anymore.

[NatzCNL]

Oh my goodness! Maisiebee - this thread has been MOVED to ANTC, how after this has been moved can you search out this thread to come on here to start an argument?! I agree with Bogeyface, name a bit on the similar side....!

I hope for the OP sake that she has seeked support elsewhere as this thread has turned into a debate.

OP, please see the thread suggested by Misty0 - I am a poster from one of the previous support threads and found those support threads of immense help and SUPPORT which is what ANTC is ultimately about (take note Maisebee).

[Bogeyface]

nooo, because you could infact be the same person.

[maisiebee]

Bogeyface??-and you make a comment about names.Must be because we both have girls with Downs Syndrome-yes very clever

[Bogeyface]

No one is afraid of anything, just pointing out that Maisiemac couldnt have picked a worse thread to make her point on. This isnt about the choice the OP made, but about her trying to deal with her feelings. The rights and wrongs of it are for another thread, this one is for support.

Conveniently similar name btw.....

[maisiebee]

maisiemac-I understand your feelings completely.You have a beautiful little girl -not something that immediately needs aborted-what are you all so afraid of.!!

[Ishtar2410]

Farawaytree, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and I hope you are still reading this thread, despite the unsupportive comments you have had. I had a termination at 18 weeks 3 years ago - my son had Down's syndrome. Wasn't really a 'choice', he was so damaged.

Sweetheart, things will be tough, you will have conflicting emotions whilst you come to terms with your loss and it will take time to heal. You will never forget, it will just get easier to live with. There are many people here who will support you and help you through this absolute devastation.

I've been lurking on this board for a while, and I can safely say that the support here is fantastic...those people who have posted inappropriately should have thought hard before they said what they did. None of us has taken the decision lightly. Please post again so that we know you're OK.

I wanted to add that SANDS has an excellent forum, and a specific area for women who have terminated for medical reasons - I found the support there incredibly useful, particularly as it was a safe environment for me to unpick what I was feeling, and to help me rebuild myself.

That's not, of course, to detract from the support offered here, but just another option.

Take care

[EggletinaClock]

The rights and wrongs of where this thread started off and what it should or should not have been titled are totally irrelevant now. This is someone desperate for help and support . The thread is in the right place now and I hope, farawaytree you will join us on the other thread people have mentioned above, where you will find nothing but support and sympathy from women who have all been there too.

Maisiemackenzie if, as a parent of a child with DS (a condition that rightly or wrongly 90% of people with a diagnosis terminate for), you are still so genuinely shocked and upset that another person would choose to terminate that you have to derail a thread with you comments, you are indeed living in a very odd bubble.

[Cinnamondog]

Hi farawaytree,

I echo the words of misty, mrsbigz and linspins; I really hope you are still reading as this thread was an absolute God send for me in the days and weeks following the loss on my little one. That is the thing here, even though this thread has been moved to an area for ladies who have 'chosen', (what choice??) to terminate, we all feel the loss of our babies as keenly as if we had suffered m/c or a still birth. You are grieving right now, even though there were a number of reasons why you came to the decision you did.

I also echo that the 'what if's' don't go away; I TOP 9 weeks ago as my very wanted, very loved little lady had a condition incompatible with life. I know she would not have survived more than a few weeks more of pregnancy and she would never have survived to birth, and yet I still think 'what if'; again it's an inevitable part of really wanting your baby. But please do not torture yourself, and feel no guilt. Every single one of these terrible situations is completely and utterly unique; others in your situation may have continued, many wouldn't, neither is right or wrong. You made a hard decision based on your life, your family and no one, NO ONE, has the right to judge you for that. But please don't judge yourself harshly either.

I think misty has already pointed you toward the thread where we all hang out, haven't looked yet so you may already be there, but please come over. Lots of , understanding and wisdom, no judgement. You can say anything, rant, rave and scream at us, we will understand.

Take care and be strong honey xxxxxxxx

[linspins]

Dear farawaytree, i really hope you are still reading. This area you are in now is a very kind supportive place. Lots of us have 'been there and done that' so to speak.
I truly understand your grief, and it's early days honey. I am so glad you got to see and hold little George. It is both shocking and amazing how perfect they are. Hold that memory in your heart, and if you need to wallow in the memory of him, do that for a while. Don't worry that your 9 yr old needs you, let your perents look after him, spoil him, and give yourself room to grieve. Be gentle with yourself. Howl and scream, sob and rage - if you feel like it. Trying to keep emotions in makes it all harder.
Lots of people have suggested counselling - a good idea, and maybe your doc or local hosp can arrange? But do this when you are ready, sometimes it's a little easier when things feel a little less raw. (Might need to get on a waiting list anyway?)
The 'what if's' don't go away all that soon - but with time, which is a cliche, sad but true.
Sending special thoughts to your precious little baby tonight, I will think of him being looked after by all our own little angels.
Please do join one of the other support threads if you don't feel comfortable posting here. xxxxxxxxxx

[mrsbigz]

faraway - i just wanted to echo what misty has just said. my heart goes out to you and i hope that you are getting some support in RL. it must be very hard to not have George's father to lean on through this difficult time - if you want to talk please come to the thread that misty mentioned.
i too terminated for DS - our little girl Eve was born at 17wks on the 30 March. it was the single most difficult decision we ever have had to make - our baby was completely wanted but we had to take into consideration the fact that we have 2 young children already, and how it would affect them, not so much now, but longterm when we were older and less able. unfortunately with DS (having done much research inbetween the initial scan and the amnio) there is no way of telling what degree of learning difficulties / health problems the baby may have - i think daily about the "what ifs" and the "maybe it would have been ok" BUT i know in my heart of hearts that we made the right decision for our family at this time - and you have done the same too, you made your decision out of love for George and for the little boy you already have.
please don't take notice of the insensitive earlier comments on this thread - no one can say honestly how they would be in this situation until they are actually IN it. i thought i would never ever terminate a baby, yet here i am - and while i grieve for my lost little girl i have a certain peace too xx

i hope that you are ok hun and hope you feel able to come back and post soon and let us know how you are doing xxxxxx

[misty0]

Oh my goodness - Faraway - are you still reading your thread love? Your post has been moved here to test and choices and i think that was a wise decision given the way some people are reacting.

Here there will be no judgement over your decision. I terminated last month for DS. Many ladies here have terminated for different reasons and will be able to offer you support and understanding.

Bless your heart. I dont know where to begin. There would not have been a mistake with your results - please please dont torture yourself with that thought. You have done what you felt was right - and that means it WAS the right thing for you and your son. I'm sure each of us here have agonised after the event, its very natural and totaly understandable. Its a grieving process now - be kind to yourself.

Have you anyone you can confide in and lean on in real life? Friends that know and understand?

Please feel you can talk to us here, about how your feeling or anything. There is a lovely thread here "Antenatal thread for ladies who have chosen to terminate 7", or you can PM me if you want.

Are you still there hun?

xx

[CBear6]

The OP has been through an unbelievably traumatic experience, is highly upset and blaming herself, and is looking for a little support and people want to pick fault with the thread title!?

Mind. Boggled.

Agree with the sentiment that if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all. The opening post clearly states what the thread is about, if you have nothing supportive to say then maybe it's best you say nothing at all and just hide the thread.

A pregnancy loss is a loss no matter what the circumstances and no woman's grief is somehow less valid than that of another woman's simply because the pregnancy was ended "by choice". For shame. The thread is not a forum for debate, it's one woman seeking the support of other women in devasting circumstances.

AIBU is for opinions and debate, this particular thread is not.

[tribpot]

farawaytree2, I was very sorry to read your story. I hope you get the support that you need and you have access to some counselling, please be kind to yourself during this terrible time.

[SingingSands]

Dear Farawaytree - what a sad situation to be, your heart must be breaking. I can't think of anything to say that will ease your pain, but I dint want to read and run.

Wishing you love and peace x

[vinorosado]

Absolutely, Tarlia Boogiemumms and the lovely posters upthread. I am horrified at those that are judging this poor lady.
You should be ashamed of yourselves. I hope you never come on here baring your soul.

I honestly can't understand it, this nastiness towards this lovely OP and her terrible ordeal.

[Tarlia]

If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all..

[saffy85]

I have no experience of this and can not imagine how you must feel but really wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. You did what you thought was best for your family and imo it takes guts to make any decision at all in these situations.

I hope you have lots of support around you right now and please don't be afraid to let people see your grief- it can't help to bottle up how you feel right now.

[Boogiemumma]

Just to point out this is supposed to be a "support network" we're bound to have opinions that differ but we're not here to make moral judgements on one another. Can understand both sides here but people make decisions based on their situations and ultimatley do what they believe is best. If we don't agree, fine but perhaps our contrary opinions can be talked about elsewhere? Can I suggest the childishness stops and the support starts ;) xx

[Borisneedsahaircut]

Faraway, I am not really going to write anything because I don't really know what to say or what I think about it, I do understand it must have been a difficult decision though and a traumatic experience for.
I do think though, It might be a good idea to put more info in the title as I personally thought someone had miscarried or has a stillbirth for which I was going to reply just because of my own experieces.

[Journey]

It must be a very difficult time for the op, but she also had a choice to keep the baby or not.

The nastiness towards maisiemackenzie is cruel. It must be very hard to hear of people terminating a pregnancy because their baby has downs syndrome when you have a child with it. I can't believe how selfish some people are on here.

[PeterSpanswick]

So, so sorry, please take care of yourself.

I went through the trauma of having test after test and then an amnio and although my results were clear, it was the most gut-wrenching experience of my life.

I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through but know that your decision was not something entered into lightly; you did what you thought best for you and your family at the time and nobody else has the right to question that.

Hope you get the support you deserve.

[Tarlia]

maisiemac please stay in that bubble, you offend me! We may not all agree with anothers decision, but all we can do is make the right choice for ourself and what we can cope with. You are being heartless!

faraway I'm so sorry :( You made the right choice for you and your son, do not let anyone tell you any differently. I hope you can have someone to talk/cry to - thinking of you.

R.I.P George.

[d0gFace]

Sorry farawaytree, hope you feel better soon and hope you believe you did the right thing for your family.



maisiemackenzie your comments upset me. No idea why anyone would be so hurtful to someone in such a dire situation. To think you've been there and still lack compassion really suprises me.