Speechless - need to tell someone

[StunnedAndShocked]

after five mc finally got a BFP on 1/3/11 - all signs good as felt so sick, sore boobies, gloating etc.
We were delighted - had 3 reassurance scans which showed baby growing well & very strong heartbeat
All started going wrong at my dating scan last week where it showed baby had "fluid" around the head & part of chest. Still had very strong heartbeat
Was shown into room were we were told baby had very low chances of survival - as you can imagine floods of tears
We had a CVS a couple of days later to confirm the degree of problems, knowing full well that if it was downs / turners there was no problem as we could cope but if it was something else & baby wouldn't have any quality of life we knew what we had to do even knowing how hard / heartbreaking it will be for both of us.
The CVS its self didn't hurt - was uncomfortable but no pain & i had no pain or bleeding afterwards. I rested for a couple of days - the hospital were amazing in explaining everything to us.
After 6 very long days (weekend included) we had our results via telephone showing our much wanted / loved / longed for baby has Edwards syndrome - which in a nutshell means incompatible with life
During the 'waiting' time we had googled / researched all the possibilities & came up with endless answers to the results - always hoping /praying that it wouldn't be worse case & we would have to end babies life knowing that if we didn't baby would not live for very long if born - that is if baby made it that far.
After a sleepless night we are off to the hospital this morning to have a chat with the consultant to disscuss what happens next.
I feel kinda harsh / selfish in my view that I 'need' to have a termination ASAP as can't cope with feeling pregnant any more. I can't wait for baby to die & pass naturally or take pills & wait. I need to get this over with as feel I can't cope much longer with a baby growing inside me that isn't going to be born.
This is soo very hard for me as work in large office & there are a couple of ladies due around same time as me. One I feel I need to shake / slap as she is still smoking, eats crap, moans the whole time how ill she feels, problems she has had/having (one loss for which I am sad about), taking piss & having so much time off as she is feeling unwell...
Thank you for taking the time to read my post, I have been reading other posts on this site & so many others over the pass few days & realise this is something that we don't tend to talk about out in the open / share with others.
I am hoping to have counselling from the hospital & feel I need to see dr about anti depressants as last time I didnt get any of this and had a major wobble resulting being off work for a couple of months & gaining about 5 stone in weight.
Knowing this is something that is just one of those things due to my age isn't helping, knowing I have not done anything wrong / nor anything I can do to change things doesn't make our choice this morning any easier. Although putting my post here & re reading it a few times makes me understand that I have made the right choice & know that continuing with this pregnancy & waiting to see if baby is ok really isn't an option for us..
Although I feel so lucky that I have the suport of my husband & friends who have been here to pass the tissues - I am never ever going to give up hope of having a baby....
Sorry to have waffled :-(

Forget the antidepressants, you need to find out what is going on. 5 MC's followed by a diagnosis of Edward's Syndrome suggests that your problem is with egg quality.

I know an awful lot about this, I might be able to offer some advice. May I ask how old you are?

I have no advise but didn't want to read without commenting, I'm so sorry this is happening to you what a nightmare. Allow you friends and family to give you all the comfort you want. xxxxxxxxx

Thank you for taking the time to reply ladies
We have had loads of tests - all came back with unexplained infertility
I am now 43yrs old & suffered losses over a number of years - can get preggers but babies have died before 10wks so when we got past this time we thought we had cracked it
There is only so much heartache I can cope with

Stunned - morning love xxx So, so sorry to hear about all you have been through, and all you are coping with at the moment. I feel from your post that you're coping well at the moment - although i know from experience that a strange coping mechanism does kick in at these times, as you plough through the awful proccess of 'dealing' with these results. Please take your time on decisions for the future - you have alot on your plate right now . Hopefully you will get all the practical info you need thismorning, write down any questions you may have b4 you go if you've time?

There is much emotional support and love here for ladies who are/have been going through this. Also alot of very good advice and knowledge if you need it. Please keep us informed about how you get on sweetheart xxxxx will be thinking of you today.

Same age as you btw xx

With your history and your age, it is almost certainly an egg quality issue. Are you able to afford IVF? If so, then PGD would weed out the 'bad' eggs leaving only the healthy ones to be implanted.

Oh Stunned, I am so sorry. I really understand how you are feeling. We went through a very similar situation in January. Our daughter had different problems but sadly still things she could not have lived a long time with .

I can only be honest and say the last few months have been the worst of our lives, but we all have an inner strength that drags us through these thing.

You are a loving mummy and are doing all that you can in order that your baby does not suffer. It is a mothers job to put their child first no matter how painful it is for themselves. It shines through that you love her.

Please PM me if I can help you in any way, or if you want to talk to some one who has been there.

I am sending you a huge virtual hug x.

Stunned I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope that you get through today ok and I'll be thinking of you. I think there is an inner calm that sets in in these dreadful situations.

I completely sympathise with the need to get it over with. I had to wait 10 days from scan to termination knowing that there was no hope and it was a living hell as I was 22 weeks and very visibly pregnant etc. You will get through the wait though.

Please do come to the support after tfmr thread if you feel it would help you, there are a few of us there who've all been through this in recent weeks and it's very supportive.

Hey *stunned, I am so sorry you find yourself here. Completely understand your need for things to be 'over' as soon as possible; we too lost a little one due to problems turned up at a scan meaning our baby wouldn't have survived many more weeks of pregnancy.

The horrible rollercoaster of emotions you are feeling now is so normal, as is being angry at the...silly...woman at work; unfortunately no one realises the pain of what you are going through, what we've all gone through, until you actually go through it. And crap as she is, I know you wouldn't wish this on her. It's just some people have no discretion. We've all suffered at the hands of the terminally self centred here, it's just an added hurt we have to endure.

Insist on counselling and anti d's if that is what you need to cope; do what ever you have to do to get through each day. Don't let guilt add to the turmoil you are going through. I take something positive from your OP, you say you will never give up hope of having a baby. You sound a very strong, very determined lady who has had a horrible time, hold on to that strength and come back for a waffle when ever you want. Big hugs xxxxx

Sorry to hear your news... I was told my baby might have Edwards due to it having bilateral talipes...fortunately the specialist thinks its isolated in my case..but the 4 days I had to wait to find this out were excrutiating i couldn't sleep eat or do anything! So I absolutely cannot imagine what you are going through now after finding this out and making the tough decision to terminate! I really hope you find some solace that your baby will soon be at peace. I think you are doing the right thing in my opinion..If I found out my baby had edwards I would seriously consider termination ....due to their life capacity :(

There is another lady on here called MylittleangelAva who wrote on one of my posts who has just lost her baby to Edwards... So perhaps you could talk to her about the way she felt etc..

I know it must be so hard..Good Luck x

Thank you everyone for your replies
The hospital confirmed that our little girl has Edwards syndrome. Due to the high chance of her not surviving to be born or not living long after birth we knew what we had to do as we felt there was only one option open to us as I don't feel able to carry on to wait and see what happens so I was given a tablet to take to start things off.
Sent home & told to go back Friday morning for the next stages, more tablets & delivering baby.. This bit shocked me as I thought I would have a D&C but as I am over a certain number of weeks I have to deliver baby.
It has been over a week since we had our scan & a week since our CVS - this has been one of the worst of our lives as we have had to discuss what happens if baby has XYZ instead of talking prams etc. We knew if baby wasn't going to have a certain quality of life there was no option but to end the littles ones life as it isntvfair on baby or us.
Had a couple of cycles IVF - 1 ended in mc - other didn't take. Been told due to age not many places will take us on their books & the cost is something that we are not able to afford.
Tears - no idea where they are all coming from as don't think I have stopped crying since I found out.
Feeling strangely calm at the moment - feels like I am watching this happen to someone else but know it is me if that makes sense.
Xx

So sorry to hear that SaS. I know it is hard, but please try to look to the future. Would you consider using donor eggs? This would get around any possible egg quality problem.

stunned - so sorry. and . The tears and the calmness were all i can remember from the weeks just before and after my termination. For me it was 5 weeks ago Monday. You WILL cope - there are some fabulous ladies here who will try to answer any questions you have. I had a GA as i was 13+4. Be good to yourself and use the calm moments to relax and rest yourself. Even if its for moments at a time. Dont feel guilty about having moments of (almost) normality. I think its natures way of coping. xx

As eggletinga says - we have a lovely thread which you are welcome to join if you want to talk - you can rave or cry or laugh sometimes. It OK to do all 3 in the space of 30 seconds. I have. Its how it is sometimes and we all understand.

All our love and thoughts are with you - standing beside you xx

i am so very sorry

I'm so sorry you are going through this. We lost our baby to Downs 8 weeks ago, the diagnosis was similar - due to severe hydrops the baby wouldn't survive to term.
It is so so hard - the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Eventually though you do get through it. I can now laugh and go a whole day without crying. Not without remembering though.
We have fertility problems too and that makes it so much harder I know.
We are thinking that if we need IVF (giving clomid another 6 months as it worked once and our recurrence risk is 1%) we would go for PGD or array CGH. It is expensive though but does give hope.
(BAB- would like to hear any info you have about IVF for chromosomal issues)
Hope the next few days go as well as they can for you. Take care xx

Good morning ladies - thanks for your messages of support, they are helping
Some good news is I managed to get a little sleep as previous nite only seemed to cat nap - still not liking the reflection in the mirror as looking kinda ruff...
Still numb & feel like it is happening to someone else, although know it is me
Hating the waiting, I know I am doing the best for our little baby but it still feels wrong, like I have killed our baby but I know if we had not taken this path she may not have made it to her birth or if she did she wouldn't live long..
I have reached the point where I don't want to feel preggers now, want the small bump & sore boobies to go so I can start to move on
Thank you
X

if we need IVF... we would go for PGD or array CGH. It is expensive though but does give hope.

It is cheaper than another IVF cycle. We did PGD and 7 of our 8 embryos were found to be abnormal. Had we not known that, we would have shelled out money having them implanted and maybe even subsequently aborted (some of our had conditions not compatible with life).

In my view, PGD is worth every penny.

Sorry for your loss xx

Hello stunned, I've just come from the other thread bit wanted to catch up on your story. I'm so sorry. As I've said, my baby girl had Edwards and we terminated at 26 weeks. You have to know that you have done the right thing for you and for your baby. You have taken any suffering away from him/ her and are a brave and loving mother. I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can do and please draw some comfort that you found out now and have been able to prevent an pain for your little one. I don't believe it's any easier for a mother finding out at 12 weeks than 24 weeks than 34 weeks but hopefully your physical procedure will be less complicated. I will be thinking of you tomorrow- you know how to find us (on the other thread in particular) if you have any questions- I had loads but didn't find this thread and the lovely women on it until after I delivered. Take care xxx

hi stunned.
I am really sorry you are going through this.

i delivered at 13 weeks in october. My baby had downs and hydrops. Like you I also wanted it over as soon as possible. Although at the time i wanted surgical and was annoyed i couldn't have it, I now feel it was better for me to have delivered. I was able to see the fluid on the baby and therefore had no doubts about the diagnosis, I also cried and felt a lot of emotions during the delivery which I think I wouldn't have had if I'd been under GA and so did a lot of grieving at the time. xx

I just want to say that I agree with you, Manitz. I was dreading the process that I had to go through (an injection to stop the baby's heart and the induction/ delivery itself) but it did help me mentally at it also made me feel like my baby was really a lost baby as she was born as my son had been born- if that makes any sense? I too saw a marker for Edwards myself (crossed fingers) so it became more real and it put my mind at rest that the amnio had been accurate. I also wanted the bump gone, baby weight gone etc ASAP, I think it's normal once you find that you will never take your baby home x

Can my day get any worse
Phoned to check for the bed at 0800hrs - only to be told no they didn't have me on their list.....
They took my number & I am still waiting for a call back
Can't cope with this, really I don't think I can do this
:( :(

That's appalling, I hope they can take you today.

However, if they don't you will be ok. Honestly. We were given the wrong day (1 day early) for our consultant appointment where we knew we would initiate the termination so I had to come home and wait another 24 hours. The time passed and I got through it.

All strength to you. X

Oh my God. That is terrible, absolutely awful.

You shouldn't have to cope this my lovely, but you will. I know it's easy for a complete stranger tapping away on a keyboard somewhere to say that, but you will cope. I wish I could take away the pain and black void which I know you can see opening up in front of you right now, but you will surprise yourself and you'll come out the other side of this, I know it. Is your DH with you? If for any reason you are alone, please call who ever you need to to come and stay with you.

I am so very angry on your behalf and I pray the idiots get in touch with you soon. Sorry, that wasn't helpful but I am very, very angry. Will be thinking of you all day, good luck honey xxxx

I am getting more & more worked up emotionally. Just feel so awful, the waiting is just......
I am thinking of calling the MW I saw on Wednesday to see if anything can be done from her end.
:(