after five mc finally got a BFP on 1/3/11 - all signs good as felt so sick, sore boobies, gloating etc.
We were delighted - had 3 reassurance scans which showed baby growing well & very strong heartbeat
All started going wrong at my dating scan last week where it showed baby had "fluid" around the head & part of chest. Still had very strong heartbeat
Was shown into room were we were told baby had very low chances of survival - as you can imagine floods of tears
We had a CVS a couple of days later to confirm the degree of problems, knowing full well that if it was downs / turners there was no problem as we could cope but if it was something else & baby wouldn't have any quality of life we knew what we had to do even knowing how hard / heartbreaking it will be for both of us.
The CVS its self didn't hurt - was uncomfortable but no pain & i had no pain or bleeding afterwards. I rested for a couple of days - the hospital were amazing in explaining everything to us.
After 6 very long days (weekend included) we had our results via telephone showing our much wanted / loved / longed for baby has Edwards syndrome - which in a nutshell means incompatible with life
During the 'waiting' time we had googled / researched all the possibilities & came up with endless answers to the results - always hoping /praying that it wouldn't be worse case & we would have to end babies life knowing that if we didn't baby would not live for very long if born - that is if baby made it that far.
After a sleepless night we are off to the hospital this morning to have a chat with the consultant to disscuss what happens next.
I feel kinda harsh / selfish in my view that I 'need' to have a termination ASAP as can't cope with feeling pregnant any more. I can't wait for baby to die & pass naturally or take pills & wait. I need to get this over with as feel I can't cope much longer with a baby growing inside me that isn't going to be born.
This is soo very hard for me as work in large office & there are a couple of ladies due around same time as me. One I feel I need to shake / slap as she is still smoking, eats crap, moans the whole time how ill she feels, problems she has had/having (one loss for which I am sad about), taking piss & having so much time off as she is feeling unwell...
Thank you for taking the time to read my post, I have been reading other posts on this site & so many others over the pass few days & realise this is something that we don't tend to talk about out in the open / share with others.
I am hoping to have counselling from the hospital & feel I need to see dr about anti depressants as last time I didnt get any of this and had a major wobble resulting being off work for a couple of months & gaining about 5 stone in weight.
Knowing this is something that is just one of those things due to my age isn't helping, knowing I have not done anything wrong / nor anything I can do to change things doesn't make our choice this morning any easier. Although putting my post here & re reading it a few times makes me understand that I have made the right choice & know that continuing with this pregnancy & waiting to see if baby is ok really isn't an option for us..
Although I feel so lucky that I have the suport of my husband & friends who have been here to pass the tissues - I am never ever going to give up hope of having a baby....
Sorry to have waffled :-(