Hi again,
I think it's all really really difficult. After DC2 was born, DH said no more kids but I had always thought that we would have 3 or 4 kids from previous discussions so I was absolutely gutted and felt like the carpet had been whipped out from underneath me. I didn't respond when he said that and never said anything to him but when friends asked me if I wanted any more in front of him, I was honest and just said yes I would love to and then changed the subject.
DH then turned round months later and said he couldn't think of a good reason NOT to have another one, though he wouldn't have any more if it was up to him but knowing I wanted more, he was ok with it. He didn't seem 100% behind it by any means but we didn't talk about it again.
I then had 2 miscarriages, one at 11 weeks and one at 5. So by the next pregnancy, the stakes felt much higher to me and I was pretty sure DH wouldn't go again if we miscarried etc.
I have always said that I wouldn't terminate for downs and DH knew that but I would always consider it if it was something life threatening / no quality of life etc
so, when we were given the 1 in 5 risk i just knew in my heart of hearts that baby had DS and instantly felt a calm. DH refused to consider baby had DS and kept going on about the stats being 'in our favour'.
A week or so later, I had a wobble about whether or not the baby would be ok and if i was sentencing him/her to a dreadful life and went on a mission of great research over the next 3-4 days. By the end of it I was back in my place of calm and knew i couldn't terminate with the info that i'd been given.
I kept saying to DH that I thought baby DID have DS in a way to prepare him i think because we weren't going to go for invasive testing. DH had said that he would absolutely terminate for downs if it was up to him, so i felt pretty awful about everything by this stage. I knew that I couldn't terminate though so that was the end of it as far as I was concerned.
Then with the 20 week scan the next day, again I warned DH that they may find abnormalities and in particular to do with the heart and that if there was a cardiac defect that would almost certainly mean that baby had DS but if all was clear, then we were back to the stats again.
I went to the scan on my own as he was looking after the other two DC and they found a cardiac defect.
I got home and told him and he felt very crushed and had to go off by himself for a while.
I felt so saddened and responsible for his feelings and what he was projecting was going to be the effect on our kids but I still couldn't justify terminating and decided to go with my gut.
So far my gut feeling has been absolutely correct and there has been no negative effect on the kids at all. Early days I know but we have a 3 month old baby who has no cardiac symptoms at all other than looking slightly flushed and is, to me, just the same as the other two. He does things all the time that make me think 'oh yes I remember this bit' and he looks so like my eldest that it's like being able to go back in time and see her as a baby again, which has been just fantastic.